Saturday, May 24, 2008

Real

Okay, so after writing a completely "daily" blog entry and then "blog surfing" somewhat I felt compelled to write something a little deeper. To be real.

The truth is that in my daily routines and the busyness of life, I have had something terribly heavy on my heart lately. It is probably because I am currently doing a Bible study with a fantastic group of ladies. We meet every other Monday night and it is very therapeutic. We are doing the study "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Those of you that have read "Wild at Heart" know John Eldredge...well this study is sort of like a female version of that and is co-written by John's wife, Stasi. ANYWAY, it is a good study for the most part but this past week's meeting was incredibly emotional for me. You see, I am a very sensitive and emotional person and I have a tendency to hide behind a pretty tough exterior most times. I am blunt, sarcastic, and some would even call me abrasive....which, by the way, hurts my feelings! Honestly, those things are coping mechanisms for what I am really feeling.

I had a rough childhood. It was not pleasant....as a matter of fact, I think that awful would pretty much describe it. This past week I was asked to relive, in a sense, this childhood. I would like to think that I have "gotten past" all of what happened to me when I was little and perhaps I have but after not talking about it for so long, I found it difficult to share this part of my life with this group of ladies. As I began to share, I started shaking, my voice was quivering and I started sweating.....very strange reactions for someone to enjoys talking. I felt like it was good for me to share...some of those in this group had no idea that this was something that I had lived with/through. It wasn't shared for those who heard to feel sorry for me or to pity me in anyway but maybe to understand me a little more.

I don't feel like now is a good time to share details of things that happened to me but let's just say that my life was a lot like one of those Lifetime movies that leaves you speechless. There were drugs, physical and sexual abuse, abandonment...you name it....

As I really began thinking about all of those things I can only think of how big my God is and how although I did not have a personal relationship with Him at the time, He was protecting me. He didn't shield me from the abuse and He didn't protect my innocence, but He WAS there and He was looking out for me. God has this amazing plan for my life and as I look back on a childhood from hell, I find myself thanking Him. Why thanking Him you might ask??? Well....

For allowing me to be healthy. For allowing me to understand that what was happening was not my fault...I NEVER felt like it was...never. Thanking Him because had I not gone through those things I don't know if I would truly know how merciful God really is. I would not be the social worker that I am today. I would not have the compassion and understanding of those in abusive relationships. I might not be incredibly thankful for a husband who loves me for me and unconditionally. I might not understand how uncommon it is to have a husband with a good up bringing and good Christian family or to know what a blessing that is. I wouldn't know what it is like to go to school wearing dirty clothes. I might not understand the effects that illegal drugs have on someone's body and their mind and ultimately their families. One of the things that I am most thankful for regarding my childhood is that I will always strive to give my child a better childhood than I had and I will most definitely be a better mom because of what my childhood was. Most importantly, I can stand up and say without any reservation that I serve a God that loves me regardless of what I do, that protects His children even when His children haven't called on Him yet, and God has a magnificent plan for my life....for YOUR LIFE!

I think the most incredible thing to me is that I got through all of that as a child without knowing God as my personal savior. I can't imagine how that was possible except to say that God's hand was at work in my life. He was molding me and shaping me into the person that I would ultimately become. I have insecurities and I have flaws because is not finished with me yet....He is still molding and shaping me and regardless of how painful it is, I am thankful. I do not know how people can go through everyday life, much less tragedies without a God they can call on....I simply do not understand that. It breaks my heart to know that people go through things alone....they don't have to be alone....God wants to cry with them and ultimately bring healing that no other medicine or being can bring......until you feel that, it is hard to know what it is like!

Have you thanked God today for every aspect of your life? Join me......

1 comments:

Life is Wonderful said...

What a great...yet sad...post. It seems like you have a wonderful handle on life now. Good for you!



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