Tuesday, June 19, 2012

God's Children

I have posted about death before and everything I said in that post, I truly believe.  Today's post may seem "all over the place" but I am going to be real and transparent and just type as it comes to me. 

As you may have read on my Twitter or Facebook or perhaps the post below, my family has experienced loss today.  Loss of a tiny baby that just does not seem real.  My step-sister's 8 week old baby was found without any signs of life this morning when his mom went to check on him.  Cause of death:  unknown.  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)...I knew immediately that is what would be listed as the cause of death.  They will be doing an autopsy but I have seen SIDS come through my very ER where I work.  I have experienced death of babies and people of all ages.  Sometimes it just seems like "all in a day's work" but when it is personal and in the midst of YOUR everyday life, it isn't so much "in a day's work" anymore.  Instead, you find yourself asking many questions and trying to make sense of it all.

I have never been one to be overly anxious or worry excessively about my children.  I don't want you to get the wrong idea...I very much love my children and absolutely want and do everything I can to keep them from harm, but unlike many of my friends I have not ever had the panicky type of personality when it comes to my children and their well-being.  I have a tendency to be more neurotic when it comes to my pregnancies. I guess because I cannot see their bodies and have no idea how "well" they are when they are in the womb. Modern technology has aided in the ability to find out certain things but you cannot physically see their tiny bodies and touch and feel them.  It's just nerve racking to me.  Anyway...I have seen my friends not sleep for years and get so worked up that they are in tears about the "what ifs" when it comes to their kids.  My best friend used to be incredibly fearful of something happening to her children and I have walked through that with her. 

We often hear people say, "Oh I could never deal with that" or "I don't know how you do it."  The fact is that God grants His grace to those in their time of need.  I have never had to deal with the death of my child/baby therefore I cannot fathom how anyone could do it. It seems unbearable to those that are on the outside looking in.  I am sure that at times (and I have had several friends and patients who can attest to this) the situation does seem unbearable to those that are experiencing it first hand.  The simple truth is that if God had (or will) chosen me to walk in that trial or heartache, He would also give me the grace that I need to deal with it. 

So, why?  Why does God allow these things to happen.  That is an answer that I do not have and probably never will.  What I do know is that God is sovereign. He is good and He knows what He is doing.  I cannot question this.  I believe that God is perfectly capable of handling our "why" questions.  If He can create the universe out of nothing and calm our every hurt, He certainly can handle a simple question from His grieving child.  In God's sovereignty sometimes we are left to grieve.  That hurts.  The reasons that God allows tragic things to happen could vary.  I have seen the death of people (children especially) bring about a huge stirring of people's hearts.  When something tragic happens, people pray...people turn back to God....people being reading the Bible...and people come together.  I believe that sometimes the death of a person is more life changing than the actual beginning of life of that person.  Whatever God's purpose behind the loss, grief, and tragedy surrounding infant death, I know and believe with all of my heart that it is His perfect Will.  Do I understand it?  No...I never will but I don't have to. 

As far as my children and my thoughts/views on why I don't panic every time they are out of my sight...my children are on loan to me.  My kids are not mine - they are God's.  God has chosen me to shelter my children in every sense of the word - to keep them safe, to make sure they are taken care of, and to shelter their hearts.  He has entrusted me to care for them temporarily.  As children of God this world is not our home.  I feel privileged to be Rachel, Lauren, and Hannah's mommy for however physically long that is on this earth.  If God decided to take any of my kids tomorrow I would be forever grateful for the time that God allowed me to care for them.  They are His and when He calls them back Home, I have to know that I have done my best.  Would I be sad, well, heck yes!!  Would I need God's grace for that, you betcha!  Do I want that to happen anytime soon?  I don't want it to EVER happen.  Above all, God's timing and His plan are out of my control and I must surrender that to Him.

My heart is broken for my step-sister and the days that are to come for her and her immediate family.  I am sad for my mom who lost her grandchild.  I am grateful that I was able to meet Baby Jax and that he was a part of my life for the short time that he was.  I am thankful that God cares about what hurts our hearts and that He is sheltering those that are hurting during this tragedy.  I am thankful for His love, provision, and sovereignty. 

"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s." 
Romans 14:8

Baby Jaxson Wyatt

My mom told me this morning that my step-sister's (Ashley) baby died.  She went to check on him and found him without life.  He was around 7-8 weeks old.  He was PRECIOUS as all God's creation is and now is forever cradled in the arms of God.  My heart is sad.  I had the privilege of getting to meet and hold Baby Jaxson.  Here I am just a couple of weeks ago at my mom's in Arkansas. 

Please keep my family in your prayers.

Sunday, June 10, 2012


I'm sorry! I can't hear you with this big bow on my head!!! :)

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Friday, June 8, 2012

Vacation 2012

Warning: really long with lots of pictures!!!!

Day 1:
We left from our house around 0900 which is what we planned so I was pretty happy with that. Lauren gets car sick so I gave her a Zofran and a towel to throw up in and she was good! :) We started a movie and for awhile things were good. We were traveling to Hope. We stopped a few times for bathroom breaks, lunch, and to feed Hannah. We got to my moms in time for the birthday celebration for my grandmother!
There were so many people at my moms!!! I didn't know a lot of them. I was very excited to see my brothers!!! These are my full brothers (same mother and father). I did not grow up with them but love them both very much!

We saw a bunch of other people that we hasn't seen in a long time too! It was a fun time!

Lauren went down for a nap and woke up with a fever and feeling yucky! Not sure if it was because she got too hot or if she truly picked up something yuck but she was not a happy girl for the remainder of the day! :(

We left for my high school friend, Christy's, house. She just had her 2nd baby girl, Kenzi! She was two weeks old during the visit. I took some pictures of her...not a great camera but I think I got some good ones!!

She is precious!!! :) the older girls had fun playing too! Here is a picture of Rachel playing dress up!! Ha!

We stayed with Christy and Kris that night.

Day 2:
Pretty low-key day. We went to Christy's dad's house for lunch. He always cooks the best food!! The girls had fun playing!!! We went back to Christy's house and just visited. Pictures:

Day 3:
We started the day by going to visit my grandparents. Rachel got to ride the 4-wheeler. She had a blast!!!

After that we headed to Hot Springs where we met our friends Joel and Heather and their two boys at their house then for dinner. We miss them so so much!! We also went to McAllister's for dinner. The kids were pretty crazy but that's just life these days!! :)

Then we went on to Little Rock! We got there a little late so didn't do much.

Day 4:
As she did every day in this trip Hannah got up at 5:00 to eat and went back to sleep after a bit and slept until around 8:00-9:00. The day we left she developed a cough and runny nose and with her history I was stressed the entire trip hoping that she didn't have trouble breathing or get a fever. Thankfully neither happened but she STILL has a bad cough. We are dung daily breathing treatments and actually go to the pulmonologist again on Thursday.

We went to the food pantry where Brice's mom volunteers through her church to "show off" the girls. Then Chick Fil A lunch!!! :)

After we went home and rested for a few minutes Hannah and I went up to Immanuel and visited with a blogger/Twitter friend, Kelly! She actually went to college and grad school with my husband and I have been following her blog since she was pregnant with Harper!! She is absolutely the sweetest (and cutest) person!!!! She had Hollis with her and she is such a doll! So glad I finally got to meet her!!!

I also had another treat that day! I was able to meet up with some of my Little Rock Twitter friends for dinner!! A couple of the girls couldn't come last minute and although I was sad about that, the girls that were there (Ashley, Niki, and Sarah) and I had a ton of fun just laughing!!! :)

It was a SUPER fun day!!!

Day 5:
After we got up and moving Brice, Rachel, Hannah and I headed to Branson for a few days! We left Lauren with Brice's parents by herself for the first time!! She had a blast!

The drive to Branson (for those that don't know) is very twisty and turny!! <--made up word! :) We stopped at a gas station at the beginning of our trip and Rachel got sour gummy octopus! She ate the entire bag!!! When we got to the condo, she walked in and puked ALL OVER the bathroom!!!! Then she had fever and felt terrible all night. She continued to complain of sore throat for the next several days! :(

Day 6:
We were able to get Rachel feeling good enough to go to Silver Dollar City on Thursday. We had a really good time! Hannah and I mainly just hung out and listened to singers because there was very little she could do. Rachel LOVED Marvel Cave. My favorite part??? A delightful ice cream cone! :) It got very windy and in the 60s by the time we were headed back to the condo for the day. We ate at a restaurant where Rachel could get shrimp (her request) before swimming at the condo and crashing for the night! :)

Day 7:
We had to be out of our condo by 11:30 am. We headed back to Little Rock in order to have diner with Uncle B that night. The drive back was much better than the drive there. When we got back Brice mom was sick. That's never any fun! :( We had steaks for dinner!! Yum-o!!! It was also Brice's parent's 44th wedding anniversary! :) the kids played to end the night.

Day 8:
After feeding Hannah at 4:45 I slept until almost 9:00! We all went (except Brice's mom)to Purple Cow for burgers and purple milk shakes.

The girls had a good time. Home for rest and I went shopping around Little Rock. All. By. Myself!!! :) I went to a little boutique shop called All Thru the House. I could have bought one of everything!!! They have children's clothes, home decor and lots of baby things. I got a baby gift, wedding gift, and graduation gift! :) and a hairbow! :)

That evening Brice, Hannah, and I traveled to Greenbrier to a wedding! When I was in college at Central Baptist I lived with family who I adored!! They took me in and I really felt like part of their family! I babysat for them and drove the kids around. I really felt like their big sister!! :) Mitchell and Mallori will always be special to me as will their parents, and extended family! I love them all!!! Mallori was a junior bridesmaid in my wedding almost 8 years ago and Saturday, she got married!! Sweet LITTLE Mal! She was beautiful! The colors were hot pink and black and she had a lot of feathers!!!!! :) her dress was a traditional mermaid style dress but it had feathers at the bottom!!! :) it was so Mallori!! :) love that girl!

We had a blast visiting with all of our friends from Greenbrier and Hannah was such a trooper even though we pushed her bedtime back really far! :)

It was a great day! And...the older girls had fun with Uncle B in the pool! ;)

Day 9:
We went to Immanuel Baptist Church of Little Rock for morning church! I LOVE LOVE that church! It's where I met my husband and where we were married and members before moving to Texas. The orchestra sounded amazing and the message was good as usual! The girls did well in their classes too. :)

We ate lunch at Cock of the Walk which we LOVE! We saw the ducks and Hannah tried chicken and cornbread for the first time! She loved it! :) after lunch we packed up and headed for Hope to visit with my mom before going back home to Dallas.

We stopped at my grandparents again, ate KFC, then went to moms to sleep for the night.

I just have to say...my "difficult" baby was an absolute angel the entire trip!!! She slept in about 4 different places in different beds and did great each time! This last night at my moms she slept in the pack n play until 6:45!!!!! She was happy when she woke up and went back down for a nap around 8:30! Sweet girl! :) she even did well in the car...sleeping and only crying when hungry or dirty! So proud of her!!

Day 10:
I know this has been EXTREMELY long and thanks if you are still with me and still awake! ;) I just want to document this for me!

This was travel back home day!! I got up and washed a couple loads of clothes at moms so I would have less to do once we got home. We ate breakfast and then headed home. We stopped a few times and made it home!

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