Monday, April 22, 2013

Disorganized Perfectionist

How do I do it all?  That's a really good question.  You know, to be honest, I don't know the answer to that question.  I find myself in a constant battle with myself with regards to balancing life. 

I have a masters degree in social work.  I worked full time until Rachel was born.  I then worked PRN for a hospital until Lauren was eight months old.  I then accepted a full time job.  I struggled back and forth during that time with whether or not to return to work, if I was doing my children right by being home with them, or whether or not I was wasting my career. I know what some you must be career is not near as important as my children.  I know.  That was part of my struggle.  The problem was that as Rachel became older and more difficult to manage at home and as I realized that I was more and more relaxed with routine at home, she was suffering.  I guess you could say I could have "stepped up my game" and been a better mom.  Perhaps you might be right in that thinking but I just felt that God was pushing me in another direction.  I felt that God knew that Rachel needed something more than what I was able to provide for her.  Rachel is very strong willed.  She needs and thrives on structure. 

I have been working full time since December of 2009.  I have recently moved to a new hospital but I have worked in a hospital environment since moving to Texas in 2006 and having children that same year.  My job can be stressful and I work long hours.  There are some days that I make it to the daycare to pick up my kids as the daycare is closing.  Since starting this new job in December, I have started working 5 days a week and having to bring my computer home some nights to finish up documentation.  At my previous job I had Thursdays off where I devoted time to cleaning the house and doing various other things like appointments.  I enjoyed that but it is just not condusive to this job at this time.  This job is less stressful but sometimes more demanding. 

We do have a cleaning company that comes every other week.  Honestly, other than the deep cleaning, I can barely tell that we have them.  Sure, I don't have to scrub toilets and that kind of stuff but when you have 3 small children, every other week is barely enough to scratch the surface!  Don't get me wrong, I am GRATEFUL for the extra help and when my husband said that we could keep the maids after we got married, I was thrilled but I have to do a ton of work in addition to that. 

I like to refer to myself as a disorganized perfectionist.  I know that sounds crazy but the thought of a perfectly organized house is just BLISS!!!  I envision in my head exactly what I want my house to look like.  That is just not reality right now.  This year I have started a new year's resolution to get my house in shape and organized.  I have called it "Organize Your Life."  I started in our home office and did quite a bit of work in there.  It got overwhelming and I have stopped for a little bit.  I moved to the kitchen and cleaned out the medicine cabinet and the paper goods cabinet.  I still have the pantry and the plastic container cabinet.  I cleaned out the dining room cradenza, my bathroom, the girl's room, and the garage.  I have a long way to go but it looks so much better!  I can't wait for the rest of the year to see what else I can get organized!  The goal is to have the office complete, the kitchen complete, and all of the bedrooms complete by the end of the year.  I can do it!!!

My biggest problem is finding a balance on the weekend.  Do I clean or spend time with my family?  That sounds like a no-brainer but when else am I going to get my house in order?  I work 5 days a week!  Most of the time, I choose family and then come Sunday evening, I feel like I have accomplished nothing!  Is that true?  Not at all but I get so mad at myself for not doing it all.  Not to mention the church activities, gymnastics, birthday parties, etc.  It's a lot to balance.  I really need to pray and find God's guidance in it all.

So, this was just a vomit of a post, wasn't it??!!  Sorry for the disorganization of it but I just had to get it all in the open.  Can anyone relate?  I I the only one who feels this way??  Sometime please tell me I'm not.  :)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Not Guilty

Redemption is sweet!  Isn't it?  I know you have heard that phrase, right?  Well, while earthly redemption is sweet, redemption from Christ is the sweetest kind a person can experience.

Most of you know my story.  You know that I struggled for many years with feeling unlovable due to past sin...a sin that I thought was tattooed on my forehead for all to see.  I was determined that no one loved me IF they only knew all about me and at the same time, I was convinced that everyone must have known about my secret because my self-esteem reflected the idea that no one loved me regardless of knowing.  Does that make sense?  Basically, I just didn't feel like I was loved.  The bottom line, I didn't love myself.  That was what spurred all of this senseless thinking on.  Even after I was married to the man who knew my secret and told me he loved me for me, regardless of my past, I just could not believe that.  And if I could not believe that he loved me, I didn't love me, then God certainly wouldn't love me.  You know some people live in this "pity party" world where they just want to feel sorry for themselves and I have been there but from the very core of my being, I truly believed that no one loved me.  Furthermore, if they didn't love me, they CERTAINLY weren't going to like me.  What does that translate to?  Insecurity.  Stronghold. {Unwarranted} Condemnation. Depression. Broken relationships.  For the most part, my life was a mess.  I lived in this fantasy world for several years trying to make do. 

That is not God's best.  That is not what He wants for His children.  He wants us to live a life of joy, hope, faith and trust that He is number one.  God began working on me and it wasn't until about 2  years later that I finally surrendered and began to trust that God wanted me healed and set free.  God DID love me and others did too.  This was about twelve years after my "big sin" had occurred and taken hold of me.  You can read more about that in this blog post. 

Our sermon today at church was about "Canceling A Guilt Trip."  Pastor Monty talked about the difference between condemnation and conviction.  The sermon was wonderful but one of the things that I was reminded of and once again was given confirmation of is that I am no longer condemned!  I did not feel guilt about my past sin.  The fact that I had an abortion at the age of 17 does not make me proud but I know that Christ has forgiven me.  I know that I am not condemned.  I know that I have been redeemed and I know that Christ has set me free.  He has given me a story to tell so that others can be spared the same heartache that I have gone through or so that I can help them to be set free as well.

If you are struggling with sin that you do not feel can be forgiven, please know that is the farthest from the truth!  God is waiting for you to come to Him and confess your sins, once and for all.  If you are already a child of His, He has already forgiven you. The idea that you cannot forgive yourself does not really matter.  In the end, if you do not accept Christ's forgiveness, you are making yourself higher than Him and that too is a sin (not one that cannot be forgiven, mind you).  :)  God sent His Son to shed His blood for all of the sins of the earth!  Not just the ones that you feel is worthy of His blood....ALL OF THEM!!!!!  Please do not live another minute in this bondage.  You cannot fully live a life for Christ with bondage.  It simply isn't possible.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." ~ Psalm 130:12

Monday, April 15, 2013

When I Am Not, God Is.

I had a busy busy weekend.  It was a good weekend but it was very busy.  I will blog about the details of my weekend in the next few days but I want to leave you with a thought for the week.  As I was preparing mentally for a speaking engagement that I had on Saturday afternoon, I was reflecting on how disobedient I have been lately with my daily Bible reading.  I had been doing really well when I was doing the Jonah Bible study but the past few weeks I have found myself hitting the "snooze" button on my alarm a few more times that I should and then rushing to get ready with no time for Bible study.  Unfortunately, Bible study is THE MOST important thing of my day.  It should be how I start everyday but in the hustle and bustle of my morning, it gets put on the back burner as my hair isn't cooperating and my clothes need extra attention and the kids are less than accepting of their early morning wake up Bible sits on the end table begging to be opened. 

As my mind and heart were searching for Jesus on Saturday morning, I was feeling defeated thinking how in the world would He allow me to be used to minister to a group of thirsty women when I cannot even be obedient to His Word?  My heart was heavy and then it came to me. 

When I am not, He is.
What does that mean, you may ask?  Well, for me at that very moment it meant when I was not faithful, He still is.  It can take on whatever meaning you need it to take on.  Use whatever struggle you are in.  When I am not obedient, He is still faithful.  When I am not loving, He is.  When I am not kind, He is.  When I am not lovable, He still loves me!  When I am not _______, He is.  It is true every.single.time.  My heart was full.  I was ready to minister to those women and He was faithful just like He promised that He would be and is.
Whatever you might be feeling defeated about, repeat this phrase...when I am not, He is.  

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Dallas Arboretum with My Girl

I love being able to go on field trips with Rachel.  I still can't believe I have a Kindergartner! It seems crazy to me that she is that big!  Last Monday we went on a trip to the arboretum with her class.  It was a beautiful day. It was overcast and just great for taking pictures.  I know I haven't posted about it but I got a new toy....I got a new camera!!!  I got a Nikon D5100 and I am IN LOVE with it!!!  {Yes, I am aware that I already posted about my camera and how much I love it :)}  I got many great shots and I wanted to share them.  I even learned how to edit a few of them! :) 

 Me and My Rachel!
 Rachel's class
 Checking out a ladybug

 I love this picture
 Rachel's class with her teacher and the daycare director
 Rachel with Mrs. Heishman
 She's a cutie!
 I love how this picture of Rachel's friend turned out!!!
God's creation is just amazing!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Easter 2013

I will try to go back and post about things that I missed over the past few weeks, but I think I want to be current and then fill in the gaps.'s today!  Easter Sunday.  We all got ready and headed to church but first, I had to do my usual go out front and take some pictures of the girls in their Easter dresses.  I got several shots that I loved but here are my very favorites!

Then we went to church and had a wonderful church service worshipping a RISEN SAVIOR!!!!
After church we went to my dad's where the girls hunted Easter eggs with their cousins. I will post those pictures in another post but I did want to get these up because I haven't had time to sit down and finish this post in its entirety!

Reason to Rejoice
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