At a Crossroads

I have a million other things I could be doing like sleeping but my mind won't let me.  I am going to get this off my mind and then maybe I can rest better....

At a crossroads...ever been there before?  When you think you know what the right answer is and you have it all figured out and then one day, you wonder if you really do?  What causes that self-doubt?  It's hard to tell but I wish I knew if it it was me, or God, or Satan or just plain ole confusion (which would be me).  

When I began college, I knew I wanted to do something in the healthcare-related field.  I love medicine.  I love hospitals (not being on the treatment end, but the working end).  I have always wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember.  I started out pre-nursing and after a few science classes where I barely squeaked by, I decided that maybe that wasn't for me.  I had very little support from family at that time and I just did not think I could do it.  I still knew I wanted to work in healthcare so my plan was to get my BS in counseling and go on to get my masters degree in social work so I could still work in a hospital.  My plan worked like a charm...sorta.

I did go on to get my BS in Christian Counseling and my Master of Social Work but I did NOT work in a hospital to start.  I did what I said I would NEVER do....mental health.  And I loved it!  It was short-lived due to a move from Arkansas to Texas with the husband's job and where did I get my first job in Texas?  None other than...a hospital??  The rest is history.  I have worked in hospitals since.  

My need to learn all things healthcare has never gone away.  When I work on the floor at the hospital, I don't just go to work and go home...I LEARN.  I ask questions about procedures and find out what things are if I have never heard about them.  Medicine is FASCINATING to me!!!  I LOVE IT!  I promise if I didn't know it would take a gazillion hundred dollars and that much time, I would love to go to medical school.  I love it that much!  

I have "toyed" with the idea of going to nursing school over the past few years and this past year I took the plunge and actually starting pursuing what it would look like.  To my surprise, I didn't need many classes to get into an accelerated bachelor's to BSN program.  There are two that I have been looking at - TCU and Baylor (Dallas extension).  I have almost completed all of the prerequisites to get into both programs.

Here is the interesting part.  As I began looking into TCU in January, I realized I met all of the requirements to get in except taking the HESI (nursing entrance exam).  I decided on January 20th to apply for TCU's accelerated nursing program.  The deadline was February 1!  :)  My prayer the whole time was/has been that everything would fall into place if it was meant to be and if it isn't that God would calm my heart about it.  I got everything submitted, passed the HESI, and it is currently under review..not without some snags along the way but again, it was all in God's perfect way....all the while, my prayer remains the same.

I have to back up....I want to mention, I have recently quit my job that I was at for a little over a year. It was, for lack of a better term, a miserable job.  I met some wonderful people there, I became closer to my wonderful bestest friend, and I DEFINITELY learned a lot but it was a bad situation.  Not what I had expected at all.  The last few months, I prayed DAILY that God would give me strength to make it through each day because I honestly did not feel like I was going to get through.  I am so thankful that God carried me during that time and that I am now on the other side of that.  I learned who I DO NOT want to be as a person and I grew as a professional from the experience for sure.  While at that job, I really feel like I lost my passion as a social worker.  I was the only social worker there and I had ZERO support as a social worker.  My love for my career was pretty much gone.  How sad.

In my hot pursuit to become a nurse...a new career, I slowed down and thought about who I am as a person and a professional.  A PROFESSIONAL!!!  I have a masters degree and I have done this before.  What am I doing??!!  Yes, I love medicine.  Yes, I love the hospital.  Yes, I know that I want to learn more but I can do all of those things as a social worker!! I don't have to be a nurse to be something or someone special.  I don't have to be a nurse to prove to anyone who smart I am.  I have a career!  One that, once upon a time, I was very proud of!!!  A license that I post on the wall of my workplace and I show others because I am proud to be social worker!  

Yes, I have applied at TCU nursing school.  No, I have not heard what the outcome of that is.  No, I don't know what I will do when I hear back from them.  What I do know?  I want to follow HARD after Christ and what He wants for my life. I want to live for NO OTHER than HIM!!!!  I want to do what His plan is for my life..not mine or anyone else's!  I have 3 small children that will not be small for very long.  I have a career that used to mean so much to me and can again.  I have, JUST THIS WEEK, received a phone call from somewhere that I would LOVE to work....AS A SOCIAL WORKER!!!!!!  

What is God showing me?  To trust Him.  To be still and listen.  To fully trust in Him.  To stop complaining about what I don't have and be thankful for what I do have.  To be thankful for the husband that He gave me to point out to me how I am not content with so many areas of my life and I am chasing after emptiness that will not fill me up.  

I am praying that God will slam doors that need to be slammed and open doors that will need to be opened and more than anything that 

I will listen.