God really began tugging at my heart about TRULY dealing with this issue in my life. I still did not feel like I could tell anyone that I considered "safe." I was so afraid that no one would love me. Being the people pleaser that I am, I could not deal with that. God had other plans.

The first time God really started speaking to me about dealing with my abortion was when Brice and I decided to go to a banquet at the local pregnancy resource center in Grand Prairie we had recently moved. It was called the Applauding Life Banquet. It is their annual fundraising banquet. I wasn't sure what it was all about before going. My point is I did not know that the speaker was going to be someone who used to perform abortions and was going to spend the entire evening talking about that!!! Can we say uncomfortable??? Not to mention, I was 6 months pregnant with Lauren. At the end of the banquet a lady got up and talked about wanting to start a post abortion ministry at the center. I left the banquet and told Brice I wanted to help with the ministry. He didn't say much. I didn't either after that.....

A Different Kind of Hope

So...at this point in my journey, we are now at the last part of April, first part of May 2010.

In the spring of 2010 the women of our church went to a ladies conference in Tyler, TX put on by the SBTC. It was great!!! It was a nice time of connecting with the women of our church because we hadn't really had anything like this in awhile but it was another knocking at my heart's door from God. At this conference we went to several break out sessions and a few of them were phenomenal but I felt such a connection with one of the speakers. Not only was she a GREAT Bible study teacher but there was just something else about her that I could not put my finger on that just drew me to her. Her name is Carrie Bond. After Carrie was finished with her teaching segment, she talked about a ministry that she was involved in called "Surrendering the Secret" which is a post abortion Bible study. I didn't know if I wanted to pass out or crawl under my chair. Neither one seemed like a good idea so I just sat there trying NOT to draw attention to myself. See, the difference with her is that she can't have children. Carrie has three beautiful adopted children but was never able to conceive her own yet she is ministering to women who have aborted their unborn children. Can I just tell you how much hope I felt at that very moment???

That was the 2nd time I felt God speaking to me about dealing with my abortion and this time it was a little stronger. I took Carrie's card that day and put it beside my computer with the intention of contacting her about the "Surrendering the Secret" ministry. It sat by my computer for weeks. Weeks turned into months and then God finally said enough.....

After months of looking at "Carrie Bond" on the little card beside my computer I never actually called her...or emailed or...or contacted her in any way.

On Sunday, August 15th, our interim pastor was out of town and our youth pastor preached the sermon that morning. The sermon title was "Turn Around." The basic concept was about God's redemptive power. That He forgives and restores us back to a place where we can continue serving him. This sermon CHANGED.MY.LIFE. I do not know another way to say it. I think after about 15 minutes into the sermon I began crying and by the time he was finished my entire body was trembling and I was weeping. I had ahold of Brice's hand and I didn't even need to say anything. He just knew.

At the end of the sermon Joel gave an illustration about a girl in our church (one of my best friends), Kaydi, who was serving in the youth group when she became pregnant premaritally. The story was so encouraging to me and I just knew....I just knew what God was calling me to do.

I knew that day that God was telling me that I had to follow Him...whatever that meant. I knew that I had to tell Him to take it all because I couldn't do it anymore! It was too much. This 3rd encounter with God was enough for me! I could not get away this time. Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't.

I went home and looked for Carrie's card by my computer...it was nowhere to be found! The enemy was already at work. So I Googled her! Yes, she gets a kick out of that!!! The best part....I FOUND HER!!!! That very night, I emailed her. Was I worried about rejection? You betcha! So.....in order to deal with that I will just tell you, my email to Carrie was not the nicest. I basically told her that if she never emailed me back I didn't care because she didn't know me and I didn't have anything to lose. Classy, I know but I could not handle rejection right off the bat. I think she emailed me within the hour and it was one of the most accepting emails that I have ever received and it was the beginning of what is now one of the closest friendships that I have ever had.

The best is yet to come!



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