God's Children

I have posted about death before and everything I said in that post, I truly believe.  Today's post may seem "all over the place" but I am going to be real and transparent and just type as it comes to me. 

As you may have read on my Twitter or Facebook or perhaps the post below, my family has experienced loss today.  Loss of a tiny baby that just does not seem real.  My step-sister's 8 week old baby was found without any signs of life this morning when his mom went to check on him.  Cause of death:  unknown.  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)...I knew immediately that is what would be listed as the cause of death.  They will be doing an autopsy but I have seen SIDS come through my very ER where I work.  I have experienced death of babies and people of all ages.  Sometimes it just seems like "all in a day's work" but when it is personal and in the midst of YOUR everyday life, it isn't so much "in a day's work" anymore.  Instead, you find yourself asking many questions and trying to make sense of it all.

I have never been one to be overly anxious or worry excessively about my children.  I don't want you to get the wrong idea...I very much love my children and absolutely want and do everything I can to keep them from harm, but unlike many of my friends I have not ever had the panicky type of personality when it comes to my children and their well-being.  I have a tendency to be more neurotic when it comes to my pregnancies. I guess because I cannot see their bodies and have no idea how "well" they are when they are in the womb. Modern technology has aided in the ability to find out certain things but you cannot physically see their tiny bodies and touch and feel them.  It's just nerve racking to me.  Anyway...I have seen my friends not sleep for years and get so worked up that they are in tears about the "what ifs" when it comes to their kids.  My best friend used to be incredibly fearful of something happening to her children and I have walked through that with her. 

We often hear people say, "Oh I could never deal with that" or "I don't know how you do it."  The fact is that God grants His grace to those in their time of need.  I have never had to deal with the death of my child/baby therefore I cannot fathom how anyone could do it. It seems unbearable to those that are on the outside looking in.  I am sure that at times (and I have had several friends and patients who can attest to this) the situation does seem unbearable to those that are experiencing it first hand.  The simple truth is that if God had (or will) chosen me to walk in that trial or heartache, He would also give me the grace that I need to deal with it. 

So, why?  Why does God allow these things to happen.  That is an answer that I do not have and probably never will.  What I do know is that God is sovereign. He is good and He knows what He is doing.  I cannot question this.  I believe that God is perfectly capable of handling our "why" questions.  If He can create the universe out of nothing and calm our every hurt, He certainly can handle a simple question from His grieving child.  In God's sovereignty sometimes we are left to grieve.  That hurts.  The reasons that God allows tragic things to happen could vary.  I have seen the death of people (children especially) bring about a huge stirring of people's hearts.  When something tragic happens, people pray...people turn back to God....people being reading the Bible...and people come together.  I believe that sometimes the death of a person is more life changing than the actual beginning of life of that person.  Whatever God's purpose behind the loss, grief, and tragedy surrounding infant death, I know and believe with all of my heart that it is His perfect Will.  Do I understand it?  No...I never will but I don't have to. 

As far as my children and my thoughts/views on why I don't panic every time they are out of my sight...my children are on loan to me.  My kids are not mine - they are God's.  God has chosen me to shelter my children in every sense of the word - to keep them safe, to make sure they are taken care of, and to shelter their hearts.  He has entrusted me to care for them temporarily.  As children of God this world is not our home.  I feel privileged to be Rachel, Lauren, and Hannah's mommy for however physically long that is on this earth.  If God decided to take any of my kids tomorrow I would be forever grateful for the time that God allowed me to care for them.  They are His and when He calls them back Home, I have to know that I have done my best.  Would I be sad, well, heck yes!!  Would I need God's grace for that, you betcha!  Do I want that to happen anytime soon?  I don't want it to EVER happen.  Above all, God's timing and His plan are out of my control and I must surrender that to Him.

My heart is broken for my step-sister and the days that are to come for her and her immediate family.  I am sad for my mom who lost her grandchild.  I am grateful that I was able to meet Baby Jax and that he was a part of my life for the short time that he was.  I am thankful that God cares about what hurts our hearts and that He is sheltering those that are hurting during this tragedy.  I am thankful for His love, provision, and sovereignty. 

"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s." 

Romans 14:8