Alarm to Say "I Love You"

For the past two mornings, something has made me wake up at the amazing hour of 4:00 am.  I had a small procedure last week and cannot workout right now, so it was not for getting up to workout, my alarm was not set, and frankly, I did not want to get up at 4:00 am.  Yesterday, I got up, did some laundry, did my Bible study, made lunches, picked up the living know, normal "mommy things."  This morning, it was different.  I woke up to what I thought was the house alarm beeping.  Not like it was alarming, necessarily but what I thought I heard was it beeping about 4 times.  Anytime one of our doors opens, the alarms beeps.  I know that all of our doors were locked (and re-locked 5 times because I have an OCD husband), but I also know that I have a 9-year old daughter who sleep walks.  Long story short, everyone was still sleeping, no doors had been opened, and there was no one {that was not supposed to be} in our home.  I went back to bed and picked up my phone for a few minutes and laid it back down on my nightstand.  Then I said, "God, what are you telling me?  What do you want me to know?"  I have heard people before say that they hear God speak audibly.  I do not.  Or at least, I never have before, but I felt the urge to go ahead and get up and go downstairs to the office and read my daily Bible reading.  

The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying, "Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."  Jeremiah 31:3

That was my Bible verse for today.  That is the message that God wanted me to know this morning... and for about the past week, honestly. If I am truly honest with myself, He has been speaking this particular truth into my life for several years.  HE LOVES ME!  HE LOVES ME!  HE LOVES ME!  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't have to perform better or more.  I don't have to do more.  I don't have to less.  Nothing I can do can make Him love me more.  Nothing I can do can make Him love me less.  I don't have to go back and UNDO the horrible things that I have done in my past.  BUT...because He loves me and I love Him, I desire to have a relationship with Him and I desire to be more like Him.  This truth causes me to grow IN HIM and that helps me to be more like Him each and every day!  

Let me back up a little...yesterday was a yuck day for me.  Not wanting a pity party...AT ALL...just trying to be vulnerable a little bit.  Sometimes I TRULY think that there is something clinically wrong with me (it's my field of work, I think).  I have the WORST insecurities in the entire universe sometimes and they spiral out of control faster than anything you could imagine!  While I want my friends to know these kinds of things about me, I also don't want to scare them off (who wants needy, insecure friends??) so I usually just deal with it inwardly, cry a lot and hope the next day is better...if it isn't, usually the day after that is.  Anyway, I was having an insecure kind of day yesterday.  By the end of the night, I was convinced that my friends did not like me, that one of my friends was mad at me, that I had said something that offended someone, and pretty much that I was a complete failure.  I had communicated this with NO ONE.  I just felt crummy, isolated myself, and went to bed.  Then God woke me up this morning to this verse which piggy-backs on several other messages of the same from the past few days.  

Here is what I know....

1.  I have wonderful friends.  We are all needy at some point and our friends are there to encourage and pick us up as we are them.  If that is not true, we need to re-evaluate who our friends are.  

2.  Sometimes I say things that offend people.  I would say 95% of the time, it is not intentional.  What I say is something I can control.  How people react to it is something I cannot control.  I need to be asking God to help me control my tongue.  This I will continue to do.  In this particular situation, I am not sure if I did because my reality last night was pretty distorted, but that is irrelevant at this point.

3.  I am NOT a complete failure.  I was created in God's image.  He created me for a purpose.  Yes, sometimes I do fail but that does not make me a failure.  It makes me stronger and it helps me grow.  If I did not learn from my mistakes and failures, that would be the biggest failure.  God is still working on me.

4.  Most importantly, GOD LOVES ME with an everlasting love.  Even if....even if all of my friends were mad at me and I alienated all of them {I have anxiety even thinking about that}, God would STILL love me.  He does not want anything from me but me.  

I write all of this to say that I know that I am not the only one that struggles with this.  I know that I am not the only one that has insecurities.  I know that I am not the only one that has a messed up perception of what love is meant to be.  I did not know what real true love was in human form until I met my husband. The best kind of earthly love that you can imagine....God's love is THAT MUCH BETTER!!!!

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


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