Sunday, March 8, 2015

Running the Wrong Way

It has been forever, yes, I know.  Who has time to blog with a full-time job, a husband, a house to take care of, and three beautiful GROWING girls!??!  Not me...but today, I am.  I am making it a priority because I have something to say.  :)


Our sermon series at church right now is entitled Rebel on the Run.  It is a series from the book of Jonah.  Most of you that follow my blog (and haven't given up on me) might remember that I did a study on Jonah about 2 years ago - the Priscilla Shirer study.  It was phenomenal.  At that time, I was at a very different place in my life.  The study was great at the time but I really think that it means something completely different to me now.  

Today, the sermon was about Jonah's desperation from chapter 2 in the book of Jonah.  How he was so desperate to get out of the belly of the fish and he began crying out to God in his desperation.  The verse that spoke to me the most is verse 9: "But I will sacrifice to you with a voice of thanksgiving; I will pay what I have vowed.  Salvation is of the Lord."  

But I will sacrifice to you

Jonah was disobedient.  What God had asked Jonah to do, he did the complete opposite.  He had his own plan and chose his own path and we see where that got him.  

Two years ago, I decided to leave a job that I was very content with and go to a job that seemed like the perfect job.  The "grass is greener" job.  It was more money, the idea of being the only one that did what I do, and the ability to "move up the ladder."  It all sounded fantastic.  There was something deep inside my soul telling me not to go.  The simple fact that when I put in my notice I cried like a baby and then every day thereafter until I left was a good indication that something was not good or "right" about this decision.  At that time, I thought it was just jitters, fear of the unknown, and leaving the comfort zone that had me so apprehensive.  Hind-sight is always 20/20 and I believe it!  

As I left the job that I had worked at for one month shy of 5 years and hurled myself into this new "picture perfect" job I felt great!  I was confident.  I was making friends, I had a voice, and no one was as good at my job as I was....simply because no one else did it.  Along with that came lack of understanding about what my job was, lack of value in what my profession actually is, and eventually lack of respect and value in me as a person.  Things were good, at best, at my new job for about 4 months.  Things got "rocky" with relationships among those I worked closest with and then, as the time went on, I realized that the environment was just....toxic.  I don't know how else to say it.  I have never been in an environment quite like it.  I was "sucked in" to things, ideas, and practices that I did not want to be in but felt that in order to "maintain" and often days survive within the realm of my peers at my workplace, I had to engage in.  I am not blaming them totally.  I had free will to do what I wanted and I chose to be sucked in but it happened before I even realized it.  

About 10 months into my tenure at this new job, I was miserable.  I came to work simply because I knew that I had to.  At this time, work was bearable but just barely.  The only thing keeping me going was my newly acquired best friend (more on that in a minute).  What kept me there, you say?  The thing that I was accused of not having - loyalty.  I did not want to leave because I wanted to remain loyal.  I wanted to be somewhere for longer than 10 months and prove that I could overcome the adversity that was laid before me.  For the next two months, I cried on my way to work every morning.  I endured being lied to, accused of doing things I did not do, ridiculed and talked about by my co-workers about personal things that were no one's business, and just humiliated.  Most of all hurt.  Deeply hurt. I was hurt to the core of who I am as a person.  Still, to this day, I have had a hard time getting over this hurt.  I am not a trusting person and I trusted.  And it hurts.  

I quit my job a little over a year after it started.  I did not have another job lined up but I did not care. The day I handed in my resignation was a sigh of relief for me.  Sure, I had made friends but that did not compare to the hurt that was caused.  It was a bittersweet thing.  

I worked only PRN for about 7 months back at the job where I was once content.  Thankfully, they hired me back.  :)  I had interviewed at a job that I really wanted working in the NICU and did not get that job.  I was very disappointed.  I really wanted that job.  God had other plans.  

September 2014.  My friend had been "gigging" me for awhile about working with her at a large hospital in Dallas and I was never really interested.  This time, after some discussing, I took the bite.  I interviewed for a position working with women's services at this hospital in October and was hired shortly thereafter.  I love the hospital, I love the department, I liked my job.  For awhile.  Then, it dawned on me.  I don't like women's services.  Why do I always try to work in women's services??  Because it was MY direction.  

My first hospital job was in women's services - it did not go well.  I thought it was simply because I was new and the hospital was not a good fit.  Next hospital, tried women's services, it was not a good fit...again, it was the staff (not all of them but definitely the ones that mattered).  I interviewed for the NICU job....GREAT interview, still did not get the job.  I was crushed.  Took this new job...in women's services and I found - guess what???  It was okay but still not really for me.  How many times does it take before I listen to what God really has for me? This instance - FOUR!!!!  

But I will sacrifice to you.

What did that mean to Jonah?  At that moment, it meant sacrificing everything if God would save his life.  God did.

For me it means sacrificing my will and my way for God's.  I am so blasted hard-headed!!!  Four times, really!??!  For whatever reason, I tried to convince myself that in my workplace each of these failures was God's plan.  I can tell you, I do believe that God's plan was to teach me something and that being said, God knew exactly what He was doing!!  

How long do we keep running in the wrong direction before God grabs our attention?  I could have saved myself so much hurt and pain if I had only listened to Him.  If I had really asked and prayed and LISTENED!  I am stronger, I have grown both professionally and personally, and I gained a best friend out of the hurt (the other part of the story).  That job was the cause of most of the turmoil of the 2013 for me, but I would have never gotten to be close to my friend, Teresa.  God does use bad for good.  :)

Where am I now?  God opened doors and I listened.  I am currently working in the neuro critical care unit of that same hospital where I hired back in October and I have never been happier.  It is exactly where God wants me to be.  I am content.  God is good and when we sacrifice our will for His will, amazing things can happen.

4 comments:

Jeanette said...

I am so glad you have found your place now and are happy in all areas! You answered some of my questions and/or concerns that I had as I heard about your movements. Life is such a journey and the ride is sometimes bumpy. I am glad you are on the smooth part right now!, Jeanette

Lainey-Paney said...

I was a tool! God used me as a tool in your life!

Woohooooo!
I'm a tool.
:)

Lainey-Paney said...

(PS: I SWEAR at some point we WILL work together. Surely....right???)

Steph said...

What a journey❤️



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