Friendships

It seems as though I have blogged about this before...maybe not...if I haven't, I should have a long time ago! I have had many friends over the years...chill out, I am not trying to brag but really...who hasn't had quite a few friends over a 30-year life span!? Some of my friends have been at the right place at the right time and others have been incredibly monumental in my life. One of the biggest issues that I have had is being the kind of friend that I have needed/wanted and not totally stinking at being a friend. This is certainly not meant to be a pity party but there are so many things that have contributed to my "not so great" ability to be a good friend. See, I have struggled with so many things - rejection, popularity, self-worth, envy, jealousy, insecurity, and probably biggest obstacle of all - brokenness.

I went to a Beth Moore conference back in April and she spoke a lot about relationships. It really had me thinking a great deal about my life and the friends that have come into my path. I have struggled from a very early age with being very clingy to those that I called my dearest friends. I am certain looking back that it was because when I was a child everyone in my life had betrayed and left me. I had no stability at home and I longed and craved for attention as well as someone to just love me. I didn't know that true love did not need to be earned. I was always doing things to make sure someone liked me or that I would still belong. This caused so much heartache for me, because as we all know, people move and change, and circumstances pull us away sometimes from those we love the most. These type of normal life changes were utterly devastating to me! I could barely function after someone (sometimes me) moved. It was crippling! This became a big issue for me as I grew up. I was so clingy and possessive that I am sure that I smothered those I was closest to.

As I got older, my issue started becoming a little worse when I would envy others and want what they had...physically, intellectually, and socially. I had a friend in college who I loved dearly and wanted her to love me as much. Everyone loved her and I wanted that. It was very unhealthy and I believe that it was almost to the extreme of idolatry. I would do things to make her like me. When things with our friendship were going smoothly, I felt loved and on top of the world. When we were on rocky ground or something wasn't going just as I wanted, I was down in the dumps and almost depressed. I would do virtually anything to make things right....sadly, that friendship all but ended a couple of years ago.

There is a good ending to my story...I don't want this post to be utterly depressing. That friend from college has sense gotten back in touch with me and we had decided that brokenness (on both of our parts) contributed a great deal to the "issues" in our relationship. I could not tell you how incredibly grateful and thrilled I am that we have reconnected. Although things might not always be the way they once were, I know that God was at the center of the repair of this friendship. My heart is full in that area.

I still have a few friends who I consider to be my best friends. I have friends who fall into different categories, if you will. I have 3 ladies who are certainly my best friends - those that I can talk to about ANYTHING. I have encouragers who I will call upon when I need prayer or to talk - these are definitely a select few people. Over the years I would like to think that I have matured in all areas of my life including the area of friendship. I think recognizing that I have had struggles in this area and attempting to identify the root of those struggles is a giant leap in asking God to refine me. It isn't fun but it is so worth it! I have friends that I will cherish for a lifetime and have had some precious friendships repaired. I am forever grateful!