Reason to Rejoice

About Death and Dying

2012-01-31T16:16:00.000-06:00

So, I am sure from the title of this post you are just dying (no pun intended) read this blog post today!! It is a deep and not-so-fun subject which is part of what I am going to talk about. This may be a different perspective on death than what most have but I hope it will make you think.

I work with and around death a lot. I work at a hospital where people are supposed to get well but, unfortunately, that is not always the case and people do sometimes die there. Since I am a social worker, I work very closely with the families of the deceased during their initial grief period. I can tell you that people ALL react differently to death. Most of the time the reactions can be pinpointed to cultural differences but you never really know how the death of a loved one will affect someone, whether expected or not. I have worked deaths of children, elderly cancer patients, those on hospice, and with young men and women who have just lost their babies to stillbirth and neonatal death.

I have heard the phrase before "good death." I never knew what that meant until I started working in the healthcare industry. Some deaths are "good" and is basically referring to those deaths that after suffering or long awaited times of anticipated death. Although death is never easy, when it is expected, the families seem more accepting. But let me say that I have seen some not-so-good deaths.

Recently I lost a friend in a tragic car accident. She was 37 years old and left behind a 6 year old and a loving husband. She was so full of life and loved the Lord and was not ashamed to tell everyone she knew. In my short lifetime I have lost treasured grandparents, friends in high school, and just last year a girl that was like a sister to me. What I will say is that for believers death should never be a tragedy. It should be a time of rejoicing. I honestly believe the feelings that we have after someone dies is selfish. I am not saying that I have not mourned and grieved the death of loved ones. I have and it is healthy to do so. Yes, the circumstances surrounding some deaths are tragic but the death itself is not. I think of my friend who died recently. It is terribly sad that she left behind a little girl who only now has memories of her mommy. It breaks my heart to know what it has and will do emotionally to those that love and care for her. Then I think of the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING better than entering the presence of Christ. She is walking on streets of gold and looking at the face of Jesus. AHH!!! How perfect for her! She is singing with God's angels and just knowing what we long to know and see.

I get very emotional and weepy when I start thinking about my girls being left behind if something were to happen to me while they are little. It hurts my heart to know that they would eventually move on without me. Then I think, how incredibly selfish of me! Would I want them to be depressed and not able to move on? Absolutely not. I would want the best for them...whatever that meant.

I don't want the wrong message to come across in this post. Death is sad. It is...there is no way around that and I ABSOLUTELY think that a healthy mourning period is necessary but I believe that healthy is the operative word. Remembering the ones that have passed is important and thinking about them, talking about them is totally appropriate but there are several things that I have seen others do that I personally think are unhealthy. It is true that people grieve differently but when it is interfering with living life, it becomes a problem.

I certainly do not claim to know everything there is to know about how someone should grieve but I have had a great deal of training in the area and as believers I just think that we should grieve healthily and continue loving and missing the people that have gone before us but also rejoice that one day we will see them again. They are whole, healthy and in the presence of Jesus! There is no greater blessing!

A Week to...FORGET!

2012-01-27T21:43:00.000-06:00

**Let me start off by saying that I am a child of God. I am forgiven for ALL my sins-past and present. I am aware that Satan will use his people to discourage me and bring me back to a place of guilt, shame, and secrecy but I have a God that is bigger than all of that! I am using my past failures to bring honor and glory to God by helping other women surrender their secrets and find freedom in Christ. If you have something ugly to say to me or about my blog please at least give me a chance to thank you for commenting -
tell me who you are! Anonymous comments are for cowards!

"If God is for us then who can be against us?"

Romans 8:31

Okay, got that off my chest...ahem...

This week started off poorly and never really got better! Monday I decided that Hannah was sicker than she was on Saturday when I took her to the doctor for her stuffy nose and then cough. I called the pedi's office and they didn't have any morning openings so they instructed me to go to the ER since she was having trouble breathing. We did. We went to the hospital where I work because I knew I could get in quickly and they could transfer us to the children's hospital if need be. She was diagnosed with RSV (again) and got breathing treatments. Her heart rate was 175-180 and her respirations were around 40-45. She was retracting trying to get a breath and was just pitiful!! They decided to transfer us to the children's hospital by ambulance.

We spent all day at the hospital and the sent us home basically with instructions to do what we had already been doing. She was a very sick baby though. Tuesday we saw our pedi again and she put us on breathing treatments. They have worked wonders!!

She was so sick!! Pitiful itty bitty!!

Tuesday I stayed home with Hannah and it stormed all day. Lightning struck right outside our house and our tv, Internet, and phone went out.

Late Tuesday night/Wednesday morning it stormed again and this time knocked out our electricity!! I had gotten up at 3:00 am to feed Hannah and the electricity went out about 4:39. Both of my older kids were up and scared so they got in bed with us. I woke up at 5:30 to get ready for work. Hannah seemed a little better so I took her to daycare where she was pretty miserable all day! :( we did not make it to church that night! My kids went to bed early! :)

Thursday was on okay day except for the lovely blog comment I received and Hannah threw up on my twice!!!

Friday morning Hannah woke up with a fever and was just yucky! My aunt stayed with her but I was almost an hour late from work! It was an incredibly busy day at work and I found out that my case manager will likely not be my case manager anymore! Boo!!!

Got home Friday evening and Hannah had a great day!!!! She is doing much better and ate well all day and took great naps!! :) My husband made cheeseburgers for dinner!!!! Yum-o!! My girls played great together and my evening was filled with love, food, and my beautiful babies!!!!

So, while I will record this week as one that I never ever want to relive I have to say that I am blessed beyond measure and I have so much Reason to Rejoice!!!!

Back to the Grind

2012-01-17T16:51:00.000-06:00

So, I am not doing great on my goals for 2012 but I have 11 months to get on track, right?! :)

Let's see, I have not blogged 3 times a week and I have not even begun reading anything! :( BOO! I will get better! I am actually in the process of getting a blog makeover so it will look all pretty soon! :)

I started back to work and I am so glad to be back! Hannah is doing...okay. She has ceased sleeping through the night...lucky me. I am actually at a loss as to what to do. I get frustrated and anxious even thinking about it. She was doing so well and now I am not sure if it is because she is at the point where she wants to stop being swaddled, because she has a stuffy nose, or because she is going through a growth spurt...or perhaps...all three?! I don't want to let her cry because I am not sure if she still feels bad because of her little stuffy nose. If things are better by the weekend I am going to go with toughing it out...I don't know what else to do. I have to get some sleep and she would be so much happier if she slept as well.

She is doing well at daycare. She sleeps better some days than others but she has been so much happier during the day. She is just playing and laughing out loud (melt my heart)! She really is a sweet little roly poly! :) She weighed 13 lbs, 10 oz at the doctor this past week! :)

Everyone is adjusting to the new schedule. There are so many changes going on at work and I think they will be good although change is always hard.

Hoping to see you again...sooner rather than later!!! :)

Wordless (Almost) Wednesday

2012-01-04T14:37:00.000-06:00

I am 11 weeks old today!!!! And took a GOOD nap in my bed! :)

How Do I Feel?

2012-01-03T22:24:00.000-06:00

How do I feel right now? Let's see...I have a sassy 5 year old that thinks she is 12, an almost 3 year old that is a sweet sweet mommy's girl, and a newborn 2 month old that is by far my most difficult baby to date! I am exhausted, thrilled, humbled daily, frustrated, and above all, honored that God would entrust these little ones to me! There have been so many times when I have made the comment that I do not deserve these little blessings and I am SO glad that God does not give us what we deserve because frankly, we deserve nothing. I love my kids beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But...being a parent is hard. It is hard to know what the "right" thing is for them. I get so worked up sometimes trying to figure out how to be the perfect mommy. Truth is I never will be and I just pray that I don't mess them up too much! ;)

Next week, I return to work. I was able to work right up until the day I delivered which I never thought was possible!!! Since I was on bed rest for a good portion of my last two pregnancies, I just assumed it would be that way this time as well. Instead, I landed in the hospital for a "hurry up" delivery at 37 weeks, 1 day. I worked all day and then was in labor all that night. That means that I was able to take my entire 12 weeks of maternity leave. Next Wednesday, January 11 is my first day back to work after Hannah was born. She will be 12 weeks old on Wednesday. I CANNOT tell you how fast these 12 weeks have gone by. It has just been a crazy time with all three of my kiddos, the holidays, and everything. But I would not trade it for anything in the world!!!

I am excited about going back to work. There. I said it. I love my job and I have put so much into my career. Being a social worker is hard and it is very emotionally draining but it is so incredibly rewarding. Do I love it everyday? No. But, for the most part, I love my job. I love helping people and that's what my job is all about. I like the relationships with adults that I have. My work environment is way different than any other part of my job but I feel like it is a piece of the puzzle that just makes everything work.

With all of the things that I love about work...there is a negative...I will leave my baby girl all day! :( She is so little and fragile (not really, she is pretty tough) and young. Gosh, the thought of someone else seeing her first smile or feeling her first tooth just rips my heart right out of my body but somehow there is such a peace within me about going back to work. I have never been a huge worrier and that includes my children. I mean, I worry about them like normal moms do but I am just not one to sit and wonder about "what ifs." God has only given me these little kiddos for a short period of time and I am confident that He will take care of them. I know that it is easy for me to say because my kids have all been very healthy. I know that if anything were to happen, God would give me the grace to deal with whatever He puts in my path.

My kids will be fine, including little Hannah Banana. I am taking her on Monday and Tuesday for a "trial run." I know they won't call me if she starts crying but I will be able to see what it's like taking all three kids and getting myself ready. I think the things I am most concerned about are whether or not she will sleep during the day because I know how hard she is to get to sleep. Then I am afraid she will be overstimulated and not sleep at night. Then I am worried about her eating. I don't know how much to leave her or whether I will be able to keep up with the milk needs. I have decided to not stress about it too much. I will continue pumping and I will keep breastfeeding as long as I can and then when I can't anymore, we will switch to formula. I'm cool with that! :)

So, for the most part I have mixed emotions about going back to work. Yes, I have 3 kids in daycare and it is very expensive but they do well with structure and I enjoy my job. I know that the fact that I don't "have" to work and choose to is a topic of criticism but we seriously are doing what is best for our family at this time. Will that change? Perhaps. Perhaps not. For right now, this is where God has brought us so we will go along for the ride.

Bring on 2012!!

2011-12-31T21:00:00.000-06:00

I have not been the best at making and keeping new year's resolutions in the past and I don't know that I want to call this list resolutions but rather, goals. I think everyone should have a list of goals that they would like to accomplish in a day, week, year, or lifetime. It helps me stay focused on what things are important. So, without further ado, here is my list of goals for 2012:

*To blog at least 3 times a week. I love my blog and I love to do blog posts but I just haven't found the time to do it consistently. I plan on setting time aside to do this. It serves several purposes for me. It is a journal of sorts so I can go back and see what I posted in the past. It is a way for those that don't live near me to keep up....as long as I keep up! :) I would like to eventually get in with BlogHer or some site like that to possibly blog for money. I love to write...and my thoughts are the easiest things to write! :) And, the cyber world is a great place to connect with other moms and women.

*To lose baby weight and keep it off. I lost a ton of weight before I got pregnant with Hannah. I would love to get it back off. My goal for this is by the summer.

*To keep my frivolous spending to a minimum. I spend so much money on things we do not need. I can say, without question, that most of the money I spend is on my kids. I do splurge on expensive monogrammed kids clothes. Brice and I had a great conversation on finances and spending today and I have a new attitude about it.

*To read my Bible more often and start a daily devotion with my girls. I want them to know what is important in life - most important - their relationship with Christ.

*I would like to read a little everyday. I love to read and I just don't set aside any time to do it. I got two new books for Christmas and I would like to finish them and some more!

*To send birthday cards to all of my friends. In accordance with the frivilous spending goal from earlier, I spend A LOT of money on friends for birthdays. My goal this year is to only do cards but do them for as many people as possible and gifts for only my closest friends.

For now, those are my goals. I hope to accomplish all of these by the end of 2012!

Happy New Year!

Rock A Bye Baby!

2011-12-30T23:30:00.000-06:00

This is a sleep post. About babies and sleep. More specifically, about MY baby and sleep! :)

I want to start off by saying the reason for this post is two-fold. First of all, if we decide to have another baby, I want to remember what I did to get Hannah to sleep! The second reason is because so many people have asked me what I do to get her to sleep and I hope to help someone. I also want to say that it might not work for everyone. It is simply what we do. It is what I have done with all three of my kids and it works for us!

When Hannah was first born, the first few weeks were TORTURE!!! She HATED to be swaddled so I didn't swaddle her. She would sleep all day long and be awake all night...you know the brand new baby routine. Hannah would wake up as soon as you laid her down. There were several nights when she would be awake for several hour stretches. It seemed like I fed her all night long and I was up some nights from 12-5 or 6. It was just awful!

We finally went to the pediatrician and she gave us some reflux meds. That same night I decided that part of what was waking her was her startle reflex so I swaddled her. It was like a brand new baby. Oh, we also got a wedge for the bed! She slept in 3 hour increments and went right back to sleep!! WAHOO!!! She did that for about 2 weeks with each stretch seeming to be longer and longer. At about 5 or 6 weeks she was sleeping 6 and 7 hours at a time. The first time she slept "through the night" was from about 9:30-5:00! It was AWESOME!! She did it consistently after that and now sleeps from 8:30/9:30-5:00 and sometimes as late as 7:30. She also usually goes right back to sleep after her early morning feeding which is nice. I will blog about what we do and our routine in a second but first...

WE HAVE SERIOUS DAYTIME SLEEPING ISSUES!!! Serious! Hannah is a super fussy baby in general. She is getting better but there are times when she just screams and I have no idea why. I do feel like I am starting to "know" her better and can tell the difference between when she is in pain with tummy troubles or sleepy or hungry. Her sleepy cry and hungry cry are very similar but I have realized that she is not hungry all of the time but she is sleepy a lot of the time when she is crying hysterically. During the day, we are in survival mode. She might get a good 2 hour stretch in her bed at some point during the day and she might not. I do have to swaddle her in the bed though or she will not stay asleep. She recently started liking her swing and will fuss herself to sleep in it. She likes movement and to be bounced and she will almost always fall asleep in the car after what seems like an eternity of screaming (she hates the car seat but that's another post for another day)!! So...I don't feel like I can complain too much because she sleeps so great at night but sometimes our days are filled with screaming and tears and frustration!

Okay, I mentioned that the first few weeks were rough and I will admit, we survived...that's what our "routine" was. I will tell you that we co-slept (something that scares the tarnation out of me), we slept in the recliner with me holding her, we fell asleep nursing in her room...we slept just about in all kinds of situations. Life was rough...I will not lie. But, after she got the hand of it and we got things straightened out, we were on a roll. :)

I try my hardest to keep Hannah awake after 7:00 PM. Sometimes that is extremely hard because of her poor sleeping habits during the day but I only let her sleep for maybe 30 minutes if she does sleep after 7:00. During the day, I wake her if she is asleep after 3 hours to eat. We are on a 3 hour eating schedule during the day. Sometimes I feed her a little early but I try to wait until at least 2 1/2 hours. She is doing pretty good on this schedule. I will take tonight for an example for you. It's been a rough sleeping day. She ate at 6:30 PM. I wanted her to take a nap but she didn't. I put her in the swing and she played for about 30 minutes and then started screaming. From 7:00 - 8:00 I bounced her, fought the pacifier with her, bounced her on my knee, etc...she was fussy off and on. Around 8:15, I took her upstairs to get ready for night time routine. I got her bath ready and we took a bath. She LOVES taking a bath!!! She has really bad eczema and I think it soothes her skin. After her bath, I took her to the changing table. At this point, the lamp is on, the sound machine is on, and the radio is playing soft music. I have the door closed and we talk quietly. She coos at me for a little bit and I rub lotion on her arms, legs, and belly. Then I put on her eczema cream on her arms, legs, and face. I get her dressed and then turn off the light. I do keep the little blue light on the sound machine on because I need it to see her mouth. :) We sit in the glider and I nurse her (this works for bottle feeding too). I usually feed her on both sides, then swaddle her, then nurse her again to calm her down (she doesn't love being swaddled), and then put her in her bed. I TRY to put her down awake but sometimes she is already asleep. She has learned how to go to sleep on her own though...this is a key thing! If babies can learn to soothe themselves to sleep, they will sleep better through the night because they don't need you to do it for them! :) I put her down, kiss her cheek and leave the room. If she cries a little, I monitor it but mostly let her just go to sleep. Tonight she went to sleep at 9:00 and we will see when she wakes up. Last night she went to sleep at 8:30 and woke up at 7:00! Oh, and we use swaddle blankets from Swaddle Me. I just bought a Woombie and I will see if that works...hoping it will be easier.

She is in her crib, not a bassinet. I just feel like she and I both sleep better when she is in there. We have a monitor that has a movement sensor but with the wedge it won't pick up her breathing so I can't use it right now. She also sleeps with the door closed. All of my kids have since birth and now the older ones don't want the door open at night.

That's what we do in a nutshell. Many could/would and do criticize many aspects of it but my babies have all slept through the night around 7-8 weeks. I, by no means, am an expert...just a mommy who wants to encourage and help other mommies that might need it! :)

A Little Fun!!

2011-11-21T14:31:00.001-06:00

Hi!! I will update about family soon but I wanted to do this for fun. I saw this on Abbe's blog and thought it would be fun!!

A. Age: 30...almost 31
B. Bed size: queen, with all these kids i would love a king. it gets cramped on saturday mornings
C. Chore that you hate: putting away clothes
D. Dogs: Libby the shih-tzu
E. Essential start to your day: checking all social media on my phone
F. Favorite color: purple
G. Gold or Silver: silver
H. Height: 5' 4
I. Instruments you play: my ipod
J. Job title: medical social worker
K. Kids: Rachel Mackenzie, Lauren Elizabeth, and Hannah Grace
L. Live: texas
M. Mother’s name: shawn...yeah, apparently our family has a thing for girls with boy names
N. Nick names: riri, rik, rikkles
O. Overnight hospital stays: only to have babies...and it was a long stay!!!
P. Pet peeves: bad drivers, loud talkers, talking loud on the phone during a meeting
Q. Quote from a movie: "i beg your pardon but i've never heard of a beautiful witch before"
R. Right or left handed: right
S. Siblings: Michael, Jimmy, William, and Bryan. Brannan - brother-in-law
T. Truth or Dare: dare
U. Ultimate Vacation: Hawaii....or Disney
V. Vegetable you hate: hominy, so gross in taste and texture
W. What makes you run late: kids, sleepimg, tv, talking
X. X-Rays you’ve had: teeth, ankle, CT on head, multiple sonos on liver and for babies
Y. Yummy food that you make: cheesecake, taco soup
Z. Zoo animal: giraffe

go ahead, fill it out too. and let me know you did!
i also love reading others' surveys.

Hannah Grace

2011-11-06T15:14:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the world, Hannah Grace!!

My blood pressure did pretty well this pregnancy until about 36 weeks and it started going up and down pretty inconsistently. On Saturday, October 15, I went to labor and delivery for a blood pressure check to see how things were because I had been having some consistent high readings. They ended up sending me home with instructions to follow up with my doctor a little earlier than I had planned that week (Thursday). I was scheduled for induction on Friday, October 21.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon and my blood pressure was really really high! I think the lowest reading was 158/106. I was having some MAJOR pitting edema and did have protein in my urine as well as some visual disturbances. To the hospital I went. I was a bit nervous because I was only 37 weeks along and it wasn't when I had scheduled. Needless to say, God had everything all worked out!

I was at the hospital for awhile and my BP did go back down some but I was contracting regularly. I was also dilated to a 3 with some effacement. I ended up getting admitted to the hospital for what I thought was going to be antepartum until the 21st. The nurse got me in a room and the lab came to draw blood and the nurse came back in and said, "Change of plans. We are going to have a baby now."

I have to say, I was a little alarmed. I wasn't quite sure if something changed or what the deal was but the nurse explained with my history, regular contractions and a term baby, they didn't want to take any chances. I labored by myself for a little while and then pitocin was started.

There were several things that were going through my mind...wow, 37 weeks, I really hope that the baby is okay. I was very hungry - I hadn't eaten since about 1:00 the previous afternoon. I was VERY tired and I kept thinking about how tired I was going to be by the time the baby was born (whenever that would be).

I also want to point out something else really quick. I was SUPER nervous about having the baby that day because of who the doctor was. I knew I would be okay but if I had to choose, I would not have chosen her. After I got to the hospital I was BEYOND relieved to know that it was a different doctor on call that evening. It was a doctor that only works about once a month in the evening. I ADORE her!! It absolutely was a "God thing" that she was there. If I couldn't have my doctor deliver, I could not have hand picked another doctor who would have been more perfect!

I labored for awhile and dilated to about a 4. I decided about 2:00 that I would go ahead and get my epidural to see if I could get a little sleep before having to push. I got the epidural and it was a WONDERFUL experience. The best epidural experience I have ever had. I still didn't dilate much more and the doctor came to break my water. That was about 3:00. She said I had a lot of amniotic fluid. At about 4:00, the nurse checked me and I went from a 4-7-complete within about 1 1/2 hours! I also started feeling some pain with contractions so I pushed my epidural pump. I was SUPER numb when I started pushing. I was afraid it would affect my ability to push baby out. Not the case.

Since my first birth, I really kind of dread having to push. I pushed with Rachel for 2 1/2 hours and I knew that once you start, you can't stop. Lauren I pushed for about 1 1/2 hours. I started pushing and did not feel like I was making much progress because I couldn't feel anything. The baby DID NOT like me pushing and her heartrate kept diving. I had to wear oxygen for a little bit. After 5 contractions and pushing for 10 minutes, the nurse yelled for me to stop! The head was coming out and we didn't have a doctor!!! The nurse held the baby's head in and we waited for the doctor...to say it was awkward was an understatement. The doctor came in and at 4:30 in the morning, Hannah Grace Hester made her entrance. She weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. She did have a hard time breathing at first and the NICU team had to come and suction her. They said she was okay. She had apgars of 8/9 which is what all 3 of my children had. She was perfect and had HUGE cheeks!!

She is now 2 1/2 weeks old and is doing well. She is breastfeeding like a champ and sleeps okay. We had newborn pictures taken by a friend from church and they turned out great. Here she is at 10 days old!

One last thought...I know many of you have heard me say that I am finished having babies but now that I am not pregnant anymore, I just can't imagine NOT doing it again. So, will there be a #4? Not for awhile but I am not ruling it out. :P

I'm Still Pregnant!!

2011-10-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, I know! I am almost 36 weeks pregnant and I am not in the hospital!!! Miracle? I think so! My blood pressure has been good this time and other than having elephant feet and hands, I am feeling pretty good! My legs and feet are so swollen they are shiny and tight feeling. :(

I will have a sonogram next Thursday to see how big this baby is and then plan on induction for October 21. My doctor is on call that day and I will be almost 38 weeks pregnant! I am so excited to meet this new one. Now...if I could just get everything ready! :)

Remembering

2011-09-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

September 11, 2001

I was a junior in college in Conway, Arkansas at Central Baptist College. I lived in the dorm. I remember waking up and walking down the stairs of the dorm to go to class. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I saw a bunch of people watching the TV and someone said, "A plane crashed into the World Trade Center." I think my response was something like, "Oh" and I continued on to my class.

As the day went on, I quickly started to understand the true impact of that day and what was happening. I distinctly remember having a world history class that morning where we just sat an watched the TV and the room was silent.

I don't remember much about that day. I know there were students who were upset and calling home. I remember some people knew people in New York or thought they had family close to there. I really don't remember anymore.

Since that day, I have read countless stories and looked at heartbreaking pictures. I think the most impactful thing I read was about Flight 93. I read the book "Let's Roll" and loved it! I watched Dateline on Friday night and just bawled as I listened to the widows having to tell their children that their daddy wasn't coming home. That, unlike, 2001, hits so much closer to home. Now that I have a husband and two little girls, I just can't imagine how difficult it would be to tell my girls that they would never see their daddy again and then explain what happened. I am thankful to a merciful God that I don't have to.

Here is a picture of God's grace in my life!

Many things came to mind this morning as I we worshipped a God that is present today and was also present that day 10 years ago in New York. God allows tragedies in our lives and, in fact, is responsible for all things in the universe, both good and bad. God gives and He takes away. Do we understand it? No. I don't believe that we are meant to. What I do know is that God has a plan - one perfect and pleasing will that He will fulfill. He was on His throne on September 11, 2001 and He is still seated on His throne today, September 11, 2011.

Friendships

2011-07-29T21:13:00.000-05:00

It seems as though I have blogged about this before...maybe not...if I haven't, I should have a long time ago! I have had many friends over the years...chill out, I am not trying to brag but really...who hasn't had quite a few friends over a 30-year life span!? Some of my friends have been at the right place at the right time and others have been incredibly monumental in my life. One of the biggest issues that I have had is being the kind of friend that I have needed/wanted and not totally stinking at being a friend. This is certainly not meant to be a pity party but there are so many things that have contributed to my "not so great" ability to be a good friend. See, I have struggled with so many things - rejection, popularity, self-worth, envy, jealousy, insecurity, and probably biggest obstacle of all - brokenness.

I went to a Beth Moore conference back in April and she spoke a lot about relationships. It really had me thinking a great deal about my life and the friends that have come into my path. I have struggled from a very early age with being very clingy to those that I called my dearest friends. I am certain looking back that it was because when I was a child everyone in my life had betrayed and left me. I had no stability at home and I longed and craved for attention as well as someone to just love me. I didn't know that true love did not need to be earned. I was always doing things to make sure someone liked me or that I would still belong. This caused so much heartache for me, because as we all know, people move and change, and circumstances pull us away sometimes from those we love the most. These type of normal life changes were utterly devastating to me! I could barely function after someone (sometimes me) moved. It was crippling! This became a big issue for me as I grew up. I was so clingy and possessive that I am sure that I smothered those I was closest to.

As I got older, my issue started becoming a little worse when I would envy others and want what they had...physically, intellectually, and socially. I had a friend in college who I loved dearly and wanted her to love me as much. Everyone loved her and I wanted that. It was very unhealthy and I believe that it was almost to the extreme of idolatry. I would do things to make her like me. When things with our friendship were going smoothly, I felt loved and on top of the world. When we were on rocky ground or something wasn't going just as I wanted, I was down in the dumps and almost depressed. I would do virtually anything to make things right....sadly, that friendship all but ended a couple of years ago.

There is a good ending to my story...I don't want this post to be utterly depressing. That friend from college has sense gotten back in touch with me and we had decided that brokenness (on both of our parts) contributed a great deal to the "issues" in our relationship. I could not tell you how incredibly grateful and thrilled I am that we have reconnected. Although things might not always be the way they once were, I know that God was at the center of the repair of this friendship. My heart is full in that area.

I still have a few friends who I consider to be my best friends. I have friends who fall into different categories, if you will. I have 3 ladies who are certainly my best friends - those that I can talk to about ANYTHING. I have encouragers who I will call upon when I need prayer or to talk - these are definitely a select few people. Over the years I would like to think that I have matured in all areas of my life including the area of friendship. I think recognizing that I have had struggles in this area and attempting to identify the root of those struggles is a giant leap in asking God to refine me. It isn't fun but it is so worth it! I have friends that I will cherish for a lifetime and have had some precious friendships repaired. I am forever grateful!

Blog Design Giveaway!

2011-07-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

I have searched and searched before for the perfect blog design. I always end up doing it myself and am not terribly satisfied with the outcome. A "friend" of mine in the blogger, Twitter world is doing a great giveaway on her blog. Go to her website here and enter!!! I cannot wait to see who wins!! I wanna win!!! :)

Day In the Life - Wednesday

2011-06-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

There are several people doing these blog posts where you start one day and blog for a week simply about your day...details about it. I was hesitant to do this because my days consist of working but maybe someone would want to read what I did all day....

My day started this morning like it does most mornings with the alarm going off at 6:00 am. Actually, it starts going off at about 5:15 but my husband and I both like the snooze button. When the alarm goes off at 6:00, every morning I check my phone - texts, emails, Twitter, and facebook (my news)! :) I get a shower, get ready (makeup and dry my hair...yep, EVERY DAY). I went downstairs to try to figure out what to wear from the laundry room. Today it was the same black maternity pants that I wear about 3 days out of the week. I really need to get some more dress pants! I put my clothes in the dryer to "iron" them and get the girls' lunches ready. I make their lunches, fill up sippy cups for the car, get their vitamins out o n the counter, and this morning got them packages of mini muffins to eat in the car. I got my clothes out of the dryer and headed back upstairs.

I got dressed and completely ready then went to wake up the girls...this is consistently one of the most frustrating part of my day. I try to go in and be cheerful and give kisses, etc. Now that they are sharing a room, they both wake up at the same time. This morning, they both woke up in great moods, yay! Both of my children are GREAT sleepers...go to sleep around 8:00 and get up when I wake them up at 7:20...the weekend they usually sleep until 9:00. I fight with the girls for about 20 minutes getting them dressed and their hair fixed then we headed downstairs. They grabbed their drinks, gummies (vitamins), and breakfast and we all head for the car careful to not let the dog out. (OH, by the way, Brice is already gone when I get the girls up...he works about an hour away WITHOUT traffic).

We arrived at school (daycare) at about 8:05 and I dropped them off. They are great - they go right in and I don't have any problems. Then it was time for my drive to work. It is almost my quiet personal time for the day. Sometimes I listen to radio sermons from local preachers but this morning, I listened to my CD I made of worship songs from my iPod.

I got to work a little late - about 8:45. We have to park in this lot across the street from the hospital. I hate walking over the skybridge (too many stairs) so I played Frogger and made it across the street. I got into the office and started my morning routine. I printed my census of patients on my floors (basically just a list of who is there). Then I print out all of the social work consults for the day for my patients. I organize myself, say hello to my co-workers and get ready for the day.

This morning I started out a conversation with a representative from one of the facilities that we refer our patients to. She is a friend and was upset so I let her vent/talk. Then I went to my meeting at 10:00 on my orthopedic/neuroscience floor. This meeting is with the physical therapist, charge nurse, myself, and my case manager. It is called a huddle. We talk about the discharge plans/needs of all of the patients on my floor. Immediately after that meeting I headed to my telemetry (patients who need monitoring) floor. I cover 10 of the patients on this 20 bed floor. It is the same kind of meeting as my other floor. This morning, in the middle of the 2nd meeting, I got a page to the ER. I also cover the ER. So I headed down there after my 2nd meeting.

I actually stopped by the cafeteria first because it was now 11:15 or so and I hadn't had anything to eat yet! I grabbed a Dr. Pepper and some chips (healthy I know). I went to the ER to talk to a lady who had come in and said she couldn't afford her medications. To make a long story short, I did not assist her because #1. she is a frequent flyer to our hospital and non-compliant and #2. she was going to be admitted anyway. Anyway, I had conversations with a couple of doctors and then went back upstairs.

Back in my office...it's about noon. I had to follow up from a patient that was in the ER last night that said he couldn't afford one of his medications. I called to get the price of the medication to three different pharmacies. Just FYI, the cost of the this medication was $138! Anyway, got that filled and called him. After that was done and documented, it was time to go eat lunch. My co-workers and I went to the cafeteria and ate. I had a salad and vegetable soup.

After lunch I was incredibly busy. I don't know what order they were in but I visited with a lady in the ER about going to a nursing home, I worked with the ER case manager to prevent a couple of admissions, and saw patients with the following ailments: car accident with back injury, 2 or 3 elective back surgeries (all which needed rehab placement), a recent brain surgery patient, a recent stroke patient, and one man who was a tad confused and I can't remember what he needed or what was wrong with him. OH! I also explained all of the advanced directives. I went back to my office and sent about 6 referrals to different places (rehab facilities, nursing homes, etc) and documented on all of them.

I left work at about 5:20 and went to the daycare to pick up the kids. I called Brice on the way home and asked about dinner. He said nothing was thawed so I ordered pizza from my iPhone on the way home.

We arrived home at about 6:30, just in time for the pizza. We ate and the girls watched the Wiggles. We colored, did puzzles, and did watercolors with the girls and then while I posted a Bible study blog, Brice put Lauren to bed at about 8:00 and then Rachel at about 8:45. He has been upstairs since then and I have been doing my blog posts and washing clothes.

Tomorrow....much of the same...I told you...this is going to be boring!

That kind of made me more tired thinking about what I do all day....good thing the maids came and cleaned today! :)

2011-05-21T12:04:00.000-05:00

God really began tugging at my heart about TRULY dealing with this issue in my life. I still did not feel like I could tell anyone that I considered "safe." I was so afraid that no one would love me. Being the people pleaser that I am, I could not deal with that. God had other plans.

The first time God really started speaking to me about dealing with my abortion was when Brice and I decided to go to a banquet at the local pregnancy resource center in Grand Prairie we had recently moved. It was called the Applauding Life Banquet. It is their annual fundraising banquet. I wasn't sure what it was all about before going. My point is I did not know that the speaker was going to be someone who used to perform abortions and was going to spend the entire evening talking about that!!! Can we say uncomfortable??? Not to mention, I was 6 months pregnant with Lauren. At the end of the banquet a lady got up and talked about wanting to start a post abortion ministry at the center. I left the banquet and told Brice I wanted to help with the ministry. He didn't say much. I didn't either after that.....

A Different Kind of Hope

So...at this point in my journey, we are now at the last part of April, first part of May 2010.

In the spring of 2010 the women of our church went to a ladies conference in Tyler, TX put on by the SBTC. It was great!!! It was a nice time of connecting with the women of our church because we hadn't really had anything like this in awhile but it was another knocking at my heart's door from God. At this conference we went to several break out sessions and a few of them were phenomenal but I felt such a connection with one of the speakers. Not only was she a GREAT Bible study teacher but there was just something else about her that I could not put my finger on that just drew me to her. Her name is Carrie Bond. After Carrie was finished with her teaching segment, she talked about a ministry that she was involved in called "Surrendering the Secret" which is a post abortion Bible study. I didn't know if I wanted to pass out or crawl under my chair. Neither one seemed like a good idea so I just sat there trying NOT to draw attention to myself. See, the difference with her is that she can't have children. Carrie has three beautiful adopted children but was never able to conceive her own yet she is ministering to women who have aborted their unborn children. Can I just tell you how much hope I felt at that very moment???

That was the 2nd time I felt God speaking to me about dealing with my abortion and this time it was a little stronger. I took Carrie's card that day and put it beside my computer with the intention of contacting her about the "Surrendering the Secret" ministry. It sat by my computer for weeks. Weeks turned into months and then God finally said enough.....

After months of looking at "Carrie Bond" on the little card beside my computer I never actually called her...or emailed or...or contacted her in any way.

On Sunday, August 15th, our interim pastor was out of town and our youth pastor preached the sermon that morning. The sermon title was "Turn Around." The basic concept was about God's redemptive power. That He forgives and restores us back to a place where we can continue serving him. This sermon CHANGED.MY.LIFE. I do not know another way to say it. I think after about 15 minutes into the sermon I began crying and by the time he was finished my entire body was trembling and I was weeping. I had ahold of Brice's hand and I didn't even need to say anything. He just knew.

At the end of the sermon Joel gave an illustration about a girl in our church (one of my best friends), Kaydi, who was serving in the youth group when she became pregnant premaritally. The story was so encouraging to me and I just knew....I just knew what God was calling me to do.

I knew that day that God was telling me that I had to follow Him...whatever that meant. I knew that I had to tell Him to take it all because I couldn't do it anymore! It was too much. This 3rd encounter with God was enough for me! I could not get away this time. Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't.

I went home and looked for Carrie's card by my computer...it was nowhere to be found! The enemy was already at work. So I Googled her! Yes, she gets a kick out of that!!! The best part....I FOUND HER!!!! That very night, I emailed her. Was I worried about rejection? You betcha! So.....in order to deal with that I will just tell you, my email to Carrie was not the nicest. I basically told her that if she never emailed me back I didn't care because she didn't know me and I didn't have anything to lose. Classy, I know but I could not handle rejection right off the bat. I think she emailed me within the hour and it was one of the most accepting emails that I have ever received and it was the beginning of what is now one of the closest friendships that I have ever had.

The best is yet to come!

My Love

2011-05-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

So I accepted Christ's forgiveness that day in college and really just kind of forgot about it again...never really dealing with the idea of abortion. I did, however, think that I needed to go and tell a bunch of people about it. That didn't work out so well. One girl asked me, "Why did you just tell me that?' That was a good question because I don't know. And I do believe that me telling a really really close friend of mine ultimately cost me our friendship a few years down the road. The timing was not right....it was not God's timing...it was mine.

I do feel like I should tell you about my experience when I told my (now) husband. I had to tell him because I could not let him marry me without him knowing my "secret." I truly felt like I owed that to him. One night in my apartment I cried and cried I think for about an hour before I told him. He looked at me in my eyes and held my face in his hands as tears streamed down my face and he said, "Is that all?" Not to minimize what I was telling him but only saying that it did not matter to him what I had done, he loved me anyway. That was Christ's love portrayed in human flesh for the first time to me and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I loved him more that day than I had ever loved anyone. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to tell anyone. You see, Brice and I grew up VERY differently. He came from a very Christian home where his parents have been married only to each other for many years and they all went to church every time the doors were opened. He had barely dated anyone much less had a sexual relationship. I was broken but he loved me anyway. And I loved (and still do) him!

What No One Tells You

2011-05-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

So, there are so many things that people don't tell you about having an abortion. What they do tell you is that it is easy, you can just forget about it, no one ever has to know, and after it is over, you never have to deal with it again. Well, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE LIES!!!! I lived those lies for about two years. The details in this next post are kind of sketchy because I cannot remember the exact time frames and the actual details about what happened that day are a little blurry too but I will tell you what I remember....

After the abortion, I did what I was supposed to do...I forgot...or at least I tried to. It came up everywhere I turned, at church, on the radio, on the TV - EVERYWHERE! But I ignored it as best I could...not dealing with it. Until ONE DAY....I went to college at Central Baptist College in Conway, Arkansas. In my career plan and the path I chose, I had to take a Human Growth and Development course. We sat down one day and opened the book to start talking about the different stages of fetal development and I LOST IT!! I am talking broke out in a cold sweat! I thought I was going to pass smooth out.

I knew that when I had my abortion that I was about 8 weeks along. What I did not know was that at 8 weeks gestation that my baby had a good strong heartbeat. What I did not know was that my baby had a perfectly formed little body with a beautifully shaped head and eyes and a nose and ear buds; beautiful little fingers and a mouth. I didn't know all of the intricate little details that God had already used to design this perfect little human person because THAT is what no one tells you. I was mortified and just sick. What had I done?! I took off out of the classroom like a bullet! I ran up to my dorm room and just fell in the floor and wept.

I don't remember much about what happened after that. What I do remember is that someone that I love dearly came to me that day...a friend and knocked on my door. I didn't want to open the door and I said something like, "Who is it?" which was a bit unusual. I had been crying all day and didn't want to see anyone. Long story short, I let her in and we talked...for HOURS. Somehow, for the very first time, EVER, I let someone into my heart and I shared my experience with her. She was loving and accepting and I will NEVER EVER forget that. She cried and prayed with me and she helped me through the darkest time of my life.

The next four years were VERY difficult for me. I sat through a Christian Ethics class where the professor was just a little judgmental as he went through the different types of abortion and talked about how horrible people that have abortions are. I still had not accepted God's forgiveness at this point and this did not help. The turning point for me was one night when I was in my dorm room talking to a dear dear friend...pouring my heart out when she said these words....

"Why do you not think that Jesus' blood was not good enough for you? So, what you are saying is that Christ died for everyone else and every other sin but you and THAT sin? You are too good for Him to die for you?"

You see sometimes we need people in our lives to call us out and keep us honest. That was MONUMENTAL in my life! That was a game changer for me. That was THE DAY that I accepted God's forgiveness for THAT and all sin in my life because you see, God sent His Son to die on that cross for ALL OF OUR SIN no matter how great or small. Yes, I do still struggle from time to time with the "rating system." It is hard to fathom that He doesn't look at abortion and think it's worse than gossiping but it's true!!! God is a forgiving God and I am living proof today that He will restore us!!

And, stay stuned...there is even more to this story! :)

My Story

2011-05-17T12:23:00.000-05:00

There have been so many people lately who have asked about my new ministry at church and I have shared this story in public with different forums of people but I thought it was time to share on my blog. I have shared pieces of the story but this is the bulk of my testimony and story. I don't share for any other reason except to let you know where God has brought me from. The story certainly does not end here...there will be more posts about where God has brought me and what he has done. I am so humbled and overwhelmed with God's goodness I could burst!!

Childhood

My mom had me when she was 18 years old. I had a 2 year old brother and then she had my younger brother almost exactly a year after she had me. Due to certain circumstances my mom felt forced to allow my grandparents (my father's parents) raise the boys and she took me to raise.

I was about 2 years old when we moved in with who I consider to be my dad, Gary. We lived with his parents, Granny and Papa, for most of my childhood. My mom, Gary, and I lived off and on in apartments and houses but never anywhere very long. My mom and Gary never married because she was still legally married to my biological father. When I was about 5 years old, I noticed that things were starting to be different. I don't know if it was because that is really when they became different or it was just when I started to notice things. My mom and dad argued a lot and I noticed that things were starting to get very violent. When I was 6, the house that we lived in burned down. Luckily, my dad was out of town that night and we "just so happened" to spend the night with Granny and Papa that night. I later found out that it was all planned for insurance money. I don't think it all worked out in their favor....just sayin....that seems to be what I remember as a turning point in my life...where things just really started to plummet.

As I mentioned before, we lived with Granny and Papa for most of my childhood. Both of my parents were REALLY bad into all kind of drugs and as I got older I started realizing what was going on. To make this part of my story a little shorter I will summarize....I was drug from hotel room to hotel room making drug deals; I was told not to tell anyone about what went on in my house because if I did "the big fat black social worker lady would come and take me away; I watched day after day as my dad beat my mother until life was almost out of her body; I ran with my mother more times than I care to remember only to come back a few days later; I went to school to escape my home life...unsure if I would come home to my mother alive or dead; I would go to sleep at night with the pillow over my head singing as loudly as I could so I couldn't hear the screaming and fighting in the room next to me or I would run down the hall to Granny's room so she could rub my back and hold me while I cried. I went to 17 different schools from kindergarten to the 7th grade! All the while, it was familiar, it was safe, and it was all I knew as my life.

Move to Arkansas

When I was in the 8th grade my mom came to my school and checked me out of school YET AGAIN! I was furious with her. I just knew it was ANOTHER time where we would just be coming right back a few days, weeks later...she would just disrupt my now teenage life for whatever it was she wanted. You see, this time it was different. My mom had stopped using drugs but my dad hadn't. This time he told her if she was at home when he got back that he would kill her. We left Grand Prairie, Texas that day for Hope, Arkansas and we did not return. It was THE LONGEST Greyhound bus ride EVER!!! I was a month shy of fourteen years old. I was so angry at my mom...for a long time.

My mom got a job and bought her first car and really was doing everything well, except taking care of her teenage daughter. Don't get me wrong...I am in no way, going to play the blame game in this blog...I am just writing my feelings. This was the first time my mom tasted freedom!!! She was having the time of her life! She was going to the clubs and having a great time. She was still going to work and paying bills and doing what she needed to do but I was low on the priority list. She didn't have to worry about me...I was a straight A student and I was pretty much capable of taking care of myself.

Accepted Christ

When we first got to Hope, I knew a lot of people there already. My grandparents lived there for a long time and I had lived there before (remember those 17 different schools? Three of them were in Hope)! I already had some friends from like the 3rd grade and they remembered me! I was invited to church and long story short THE VERY FIRST SUNDAY I went to church I asked Jesus into my heart at at back to school party at the home of Charlie and Christi Zumwalt on August 27, 1995!! God had a plan and a purpose for that little girl in Grand Prairie, Texas all of those years and was protecting me for something greater!!! The only problem, my family is not of the same mindset and when I was so excited about the change that had occurred, my family was not as excited. It was hard to live for the Lord in the environment that I was in.

When I was in high school, there was a lady that I went to church with that poured a lot of time and energy into my life. I was NOT an easy person to love at that time. I was needy. I was clingy and needed lots of love and attention. She was always there and willing to give it. After she came and picked me up one night late after my mom had failed to come home yet again, she said, "Why don't you just come live with us?" She had two children of her own. I asked my mother who really didn't give a second thought about it and I did. She supported me financially and treated me just like her own child. I will forever be grateful to her and she will always always be so incredibly special to me. I love her like a mother. Sweet sweet woman!!! She even drove me to college when it was time for me to go! I just cannot say enough about her.

Worst Decision of My Life

When I lived with the sweet couple I started dating a guy. He was a good guy - Church of Christ. He had never really dated anyone before. I had never really dated anyone before. There was quite an age difference however. We dated for a good long while before we really started arguing quite a bit and the lady I lived with would come tell me to get off the phone - he isn't worth it, etc. but we would just argue about stupid stuff and I would just think it was me being insecure. I would apologize, we would make up. We had a very disfunctional relationship.

I noticed one day that I was very late getting my period. I told a teacher and she bought me two pregnancy tests. I took them in the bathroom of the school and they were both positive. I was devastated. Beyond devastated. I immediately began weeping. My best friend was in the bathroom with me and of course didn't know what to do. I threw the test across the room and wanted to go home. My friend would not let me go home. So, I didn't. I stayed the entire day at school bawling my eyes out and telling every.single.person. I came in contact with that I was pregnant. I don't know why I did that. It was just something that I felt the need to do. Why does anyone do what they do when they are in the midst of grief and shock???

Fourth period came. We only had four period days so it was the end of the day. It was my "teacher friend's" conference period and she sent someone to get me from my class that I was in. I went into her classroom and there she was with her friend, who was also a teacher at the school who I didn't know very well...she was an art teacher. My teacher told me that the best solution for me was to have an abortion and her friend was there to tell me all about it. See, she had had an abortion too and she is doing just fine. It was a great decision. She has two kids now and it was easy, you just do it, forget about it and my teacher said that she would take me to get it done. I literally think I just stood there looking at her. That was not an option for me....until that very moment.

That evening I called my boyfriend to tell him to come over so I could tell him the news...no, he still didn't know...I was at school all day and I didn't have a cell phone back then!! I had been given advice from every angle about what I should do. I had at least 4 people tell me on different occasions that day that "the only thing for me to do" was to have an abortion. I was given many different reasons why it was best. My head literally was swimming.

On Saturday, my teacher's husband called to tell me that my teacher would NOT be having any part in this and called me a baby killer and then hung up on me. I am not sure what she told him. I talked to mom who wouldn't say much except that she would take me, she would sign for it but she couldn't afford to pay for it. I found someone to pay for it and my boyfriend ended up paying him back. I made the appointment on Monday and had the procedure in Little Rock on Wednesday...the day before Thanksgiving - November 25, 1998. My mom took me and my best friend went with us.

Because I had told anyone who I came in contact with at school that I was pregnant the previous week, I went back after Thanksgiving break and told everyone that I had a miscarriage. I never spoke of it again until college....almost 2 years later....

Redemption...It's Sweet!!

2011-04-13T10:12:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile and I have composed about a dozen posts and haven't finished them but this post seemed necessary and I just felt called to do a little "digging" on the subject...

We all have issues and we all have a past. Even if we haven't done anything that the world deems "horrible" we ALL have things that we deal with...skeletons in the closet, so to speak. These issues are often something that we keep quiet and secret in fear that others might reject us or not love us anymore. As I have posted in the past, that certainly was the case with me. While I don't believe that we must confess all of our sins to everyone that we meet, in my particular situation, I knew that God was wanting to use my past mistakes to help others, and before I could do that I had some confessing to do! The truth is the ONLY One that we must confess our sins to is Jesus Christ. He wants true repentence from us and more than anything He wants to forgive, redeem, and restore us!

My life was stagnant and God had so much more in store for me but what was holding me back was my issue (my secret). I truly felt that if those that I loved the most knew what I had done - the truth - that they would not love me...or even like me. That was the scariest part for me and what God revealed to me was incredible. I knew that I was going to have a conversation with someone that I loved, admired, and could potentially lose because of the news I was going to tell her. However, the entire process God was whispering in my ear..."whatever the outcome of this situation, you will be okay. Just trust in Me." I was terrified but I listened and I followed and the results were life changing! She was hurt yet forgiving and loving. Our relationship has nothing in the way now and I think we are closer now than ever before!

I say all of that to say...WHATEVER your issue is...Christ wants the same thing for you! Whatever is keeping you from joy, peace, and ultimately doing what God has planned for your life needs to be confessed and then redeemed. That's what He wants for you!

I was talking with one of my long time very best friends yesterday and she is going through such a rough time but the transformation I have seen her in 4 short months is just incredible! A life that was once filled with sin of all kinds is now having to deal with the consequences of her actions but she has given her life to Christ and she is dealing with everything with grace. I have never been more proud! She is asking me some really tough questions and it has prompted me to look further and have in depth conversations with my husband.

My friend asked me about divorce and what to do based on what the Bible says. Yikes! I know what to say to someone who isn't vulnerable and going through the situation at the moment but the LAST thing I wanted to do was discourage her or tell her something that wasn't true according to the Bible. This is what I think the Bible says about divorce....

In Matthew 5 it says that anyone who divorces his wife and remarries is committing adultery and thus causing her to commit adultery as well. In I COrinthians chapter 7, Paul reinforces this saying that "a woman must not separate from her husband but if she does she must remain unmarried or reconciled to her husband. A husband must not divorce his wife." (vs. 10,11). But he also goes on to talk about the relationship of believers/unbelievers. If either party is a unbeliever and willing to stay in the relationship the believer they should stay together because the believer will sanctify the unbeliever. Then he stated that if the unbeliever wants to go, the believer should let him go.

What does that all mean? Well, I believe that

1. divorce isn't wrong in God's eyes - remarriage (or adulterous relationships) after divorce is wrong

2. if two people (one or the other or both) aren't believers during the time of marriage, you were never truly married in the eyes of God anyway, so He does not honor your marriage. Legal marriage is not bound by God's (biblical) standards

3. if you are believers and a divorce is inevitable for whatever reason, you must make the choice to decide what is most important to you. Should you stay single for the remainder of your life in order to keep with God's commands?...I believe so. Yes, that's a tough pill to swallow but often following God's way is not easy.

I love my friend so much!!! She has done almost a complete 360...going to church everytime the doors are open, reading her Bible for direction, and doing her best to provide for her little girl. She is still in the midst of some very difficult trials and will likely face more in the future but she is doing so well!!

God has redeemed her from her past as He has me...will you surrender EVERYTHING to Him too and allow Him to work in your life? There is such freedom in forgiveness!

His Love Is So Amazing!

2011-02-24T21:12:00.000-06:00

This month is all about love! God has really given me so many blessings and opportunities over the past several months. I cannot tell you how amazed I have been. Then I think, why am I so amazed...God is awesome and I should expect blessings but blesses beyond what I could ever think or imagine - Ephesians 3:20.

I was able to speak and give my testimony a month or so ago and then I spoke again this past week at Kingdom Women. Kingdom Women is a ministry of our church that focuses on Kingdom work. I was privileged to speak for about 20 minutes about my life, where God has brought me, and how He has blessed my life. It was a great experience!! I love those women! Some of them are matriarchs of our church and some of them are my very best friends. I just spoke from my heart...about God's love.

It was a blessing for me to speak but more than anything was the blessing that I received after I was finished. This has been a rough couple of weeks for my husband and I in the ministry area. There has just been "stuff" that he, in particular, has had to deal with that has been quite challenging. The very night that I spoke I received two emails that just made me sob! Women that had the kindest words that I have heard (read) people say (write)...women that were sort of unexpected actually. The encouragement was just overwhelming and then I thought...

This is what it is all about!!

God has called me out of a dark place and asked me to share things that are no easy...to be transparent and real even though what I talk about isn't pleasant or easy. But it is all for His glory!! It is all about allowing others to feel God's love and forgiveness by sharing what He has done for me. That is definitely REASON TO REJOICE!!!

"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony."

Revelation 12:11

Perfect Love!

2011-02-11T16:21:00.000-06:00

This is the time of year when we think a lot about love. February. Valentine's Day. Many people are planning on what to do with their boyfriends, fiances, and husbands for Valentine's Day. We think about what to get our children and their little friends.

You remember those old little comic strips - "Love is." Over the past few days I have been thinking about what love is. What does love mean?

Let's go to trusty ole Webster:

Love
[luhv]
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
4. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

There were several other definitions but the above seemed to be more relevent to my post today. We love our children. We love our husband. We love our other family members and we love our friends (sometimes as much as our own family)! We can also love chocolate, cheese dip, and Chinese food! :) Hmm...those are all foods! Ha! Sorry, I digress! How often do we use the word love and not even think about what we are saying. I think sometimes the word is overused. I did a little research to find out how many times the word love is used in the Bible. It depends on what version is used but I came up with 610 times. Most of those refer to God's love for His people or commanding His people to display love toward one another.

This past week I was reminded of God's love. I read this passage:

1But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,

And He who formed you, O Israel,

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name; you are Mine!

2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they will not overflow you

When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,

Nor will the flame burn you.

3"For I am the LORD your God,

The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I have given Egypt as your ransom,

Cush and Seba in your place.

4"Since you are precious in My sight,

Since you are honored and I love you,

I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.

~ Isaiah 43:1-4

WOW! How does it feel to think that God loved us so much that He would give up all others for us??? That just touched my heart in so many ways. That is true LOVE. I heard someone say this week in reference to that passage - "I don't get that. I have never been loved that way so it is hard for me to understand." Isn't that true for all of us? Not everyone I know had a childhood like I did. There are people that are able to tell a true love story from the time they were small, but even the most precious love that we have received on earth can never compare to the love that we receive from Christ.

As I blogged previously, I have experienced God's love so deeply this past year...in a way I never have before. I have truly allowed myself to feel completely loved and cherished in His eyes. GOD LOVES ME!!! Unconditionally. Truly. Forever. No matter what I have done or will do. NOTHING can separate me from that love!!! Praise HIM!

One of my new favorite songs is from Hillsong and it is called "At the Cross." The first stanza then the chorus says this:

"Oh, Lord You've searched me

You know my ways

Even when I fail You

I know You love me.

At the cross I bow my knee

Where Your blood was shed for me

There's no greater love than this"

It goes on from there but that's my favorite part. Christ paid the ultimate price for us. He endured such suffering, shame, pain, and death so that we wouldn't have to suffer eternally. Why?

BECAUSE HE LOVES US!!!

I'm Famous!!

2011-01-28T15:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, so not really but I am blogging for the hospital that I work at!!! Here is my first entry.....this blog is all about moms!

Enjoy!

texashealthmoms.blogspot.com

Lighten It Up!

2011-01-25T21:23:00.000-06:00

In the midst of still “recovering “ so to speak from my last post, I wanted to lighten this post up a bit. I do want to say, however, THANK YOU so much for all of the encouragement, support, and love after I shared a very difficult part of my life with you all a couple of days ago. I just want to be clear….that post was NOT about telling my story necessarily but about giving God the glory and sharing about what He is doing in my life. I have been on an amazing journey and am so excited about what is to come!! If you need healing from an abortion, please let me know and I will get you in contact with someone who can help. My email is rikkihester@sbcglobal.net

Let’s talk about my kids!! :)

Lauren is almost 2! Can you believe that? She is just growing up so much. She has such a little personality. She is a much easier toddler than Rachel was. She takes to discipline well and has such a different personality that her sister. She has been very sick! We went to Care Now on Friday and she was diagnosed with strep and the flu!!!! We are taking Tamiflu and Omnicef and she is feeling SO MUCH better!!!! She was being so sweet when she was sick but the funny thing is that she did not want me or her daddy, she wanted her sister!!! She wanted Rachel to rock her. I got a little picture. Isn't this precious????

We also did pigtails for the first time! I think she's cute! :)

Rachel is growing up big. She has really been talking a lot about God. She seems to be "getting" things a little better. I just can't believe she is 4!!

Our latest battle with her (you know there is always something) is that she unties her shoes at school. She got these super cute light up Twinkle Toe Skechers and LOVES them but got in trouble several days in a row for untying them on purpose....AND lying about it. Not a happy momma!

She is so smart! Takes after her father! Her teachers say that she can read and sound out words better than the kindergarteners. I am a little concerned about the fact that she will not go to school until she is almost 6!

So, nothing SUPER spiritual in this blog post but I needed to take a break from the heavy stuff and just blog for fun!!! :) I will go back to the spiritual stuff soon!!!

Again, thank you for hanging with me. I hope that all of my new blog readers will keep coming back! :)

For the Love of LIFE!

2011-01-22T20:52:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. This day always falls on the Sunday closest to the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. Today, January 22nd, marks the date that abortion was legalized in the United States. It is the 38th anniversary.

Over the past several days I have read a few articles that center around abortion, choosing life, and what people are doing about both. I have read about a doctor who performs abortions illegally and keeps the contents stored in jars. Human body parts in jars. I have read about a couple that did IVF and then got pregnant with twin boys. Since they wanted a girl, they decided to terminate their pregnancy of these baby boys in hopes to get pregnant with a little girl. This couple had suffered the loss of a baby girl shortly before getting pregnant with the twins. They were quoted saying that they "deserved a little luck" and this was their "right." This case is sad but the fact is that many women choose to have abortions for all different reasons. Many women feel justified in whatever their reason is.

Approximately 40 million abortions are performed each year. That represents A LOT of babies but it also represents A LOT of women. It is horrific if you really think about what abortion is. Let me tell you what it is not....

*It is not "the easy way out"
*It is not something you can just forget about
*It (the baby) is not "just a ball of cells"
*It is not a decision that only affects the mother

It is murder. It is, in many ways, a permanent solution to a temporary "problem." It is heart breaking to think of what happened to an innocent baby. It is also heart breaking for many years for the mother (and many times father) who chose the procedure. It is physically, emotionally, and often times spiritually difficult...and let me just say, that's putting it mildly.

Jane Roe (Norma McCorvey) wanted to have an abortion. She was not allowed to according to state law. She fabricated a story that she had been raped since Texas state law said that a women could have an abortion if she had been raped. She had no evidence and later admitted that she made up the story. After getting two lawyers, ultimately giving birth, and three years later, abortion became legalized in the United States - January 22, 1973. This was Norma's 3rd pregnancy...all of which she had placed for adoption.

Eventually, McCorvey's views about abortion changed. She stated that she signed a piece of paper giving women the "right." What those lawyers did not tell her was that women would be coming up to her for several years thanking her for giving them the chance to have multiple abortions. She attempted to overturn Roe vs Wade but her petition was denied. She became a Christian and now considers herself "100% prolife." Here is an excerpt from one of her books,

"But a few weeks after my conversion, I was sitting in O.R.'s offices when I noticed a fetal development poster. The progression was so obvious, the eyes were so sweet. It hurt my heart, just looking at them.

I ran outside and finally, it dawned on me. "Norma," I said to myself, "They're right." I had worked with pregnant women for years. I had been through three pregnancies and deliveries myself. I should have known. Yet something in that poster made me lose my breath. I kept seeing the picture of that tiny, 10-week-old embryo, and I said to myself, that's a baby! It's as if blinders just fell off my eyes and I suddenly understood the truth--that's a baby!

I felt "crushed" under the truth of this realization. I had to face up to the awful reality. Abortion wasn't about 'products of conception.' It wasn't about 'missed periods.' It was about children being killed in their mother's wombs. All those years I was wrong. Signing that affidavit, I was wrong. Working in an abortion clinic, I was wrong. No more of this first trimester, second trimester, third trimester stuff. Abortion--at any point--was wrong. It was so clear. Painfully clear."

McCorvey now has a ministry called Roe No More Ministry and speaks on behalf of babies and women all over the United States who have been destroyed by abortion.

I did not know this about Roe vs Wade until I recently did some research. She is ABSOLUTELY allowing God to "work all things for good" because she loves him and recognizes that she is forgiven and loved by God. This realization is so hard for those that have had abortions. They feel broken, unworthy, unlovable (by anyone, especially God), and destroyed. It is a decision that you cannot take back, but choosing what to do with the experience is what is important.

You see, I had an abortion. November 25, 1998. I was 17 years old in need of direction and spirtiual guidance...something that was seriously absent at that time in my life. I was a Christian. I knew it was wrong but I didn't think about that at the time. I needed a solution and EVERYONE told me what I should do. So I did. I regret it every. single. day! I have so many "issues" in the area of self-esteem, self-confidence, and feeling loveble....most of which I attribute to my choice to end the life of my unborn baby. It is something that I am not proud of but God has said that I must share this about myself in order to help others. That is what Romans 8:28 is all about!!

Just this past year, God spoke VERY vividly to me and said that I had to stop allowing Satan to control this part of my life. I had made a very bad choice with very bad circumstances but for almost 12 years, I had allowed Satan to tell me that if anyone (besides those that already knew) ever found out, they wouldn't love me anymore. I believed that with all my heart. After weeks of struggling with this, I finally gave it to God and allowed Him to work.

I am now a certified leader for Surrendering the Secret - a post abortion Bible study that promotes healing and hope to women who have had an abortion(s). I went through the 8 week study and have allowed God to use me through speaking at church to a group of women. I have done the study with one other girl at church and on February 7th, we will start another group. She is now a co-leader with me. I am so honored to be able to not only help other women heal but to spread the news of the Gospel as well, because Surrendering the Secret does that so well!

God is a forgiving and loving God. He can forgive ANYTHING if we ask and call on Him. That has taken me a long time to realize but I am so blessed to hold onto this truth now!!

Here is a video of a song that Matthew West has recently released that he wrote after a post-abortive woman shared her story with him.

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, great is his love for who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103:11-12

Wrapping Up 2010

2011-01-16T16:31:00.001-06:00

SOOOO...I know that I am SUPER late with this post and I am just not going to post about Christmas at all except to say that it was great, the girls had a blast, and I just can't go back and post about it because we have to move forward.

I had a tough start to the new year with the death of a girl I lived with in high school. It was so sad. There were so many GREAT things that happened to me in 2010 and first and foremost I have become closer to God than I have ever been and I am SO incredibly grateful.

Some of these questions are trivial but I thought it was fun and many of them really made me stop and think. Enjoy! Feel free to copy and repost with your answers.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you have never done before?
Read a fiction novel...I read 3 complete ones! :) Also, I have never poured my heart out before God and told Him to use me however He wants. I literally said, "Whatever you want from me, Lord, here I am. Use me." Scary, overwhelming, and utterly exciting!!!!

2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I try to not set resolutions. I always have the goal of bettering myself and the beginning of a new year is a good time to do that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can think of right now. 2009 was the year for babies for my friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. The final day of the year. Rachael Beard. I lived with her family when I was in high school. She was killed in a car accident early on December 31st. She was only 26 years old and I was devastated! Just so sad for her family...especially her sweet sweet Momma...I love Audra so much. She was like a sister to me and that family was/is like my own.

5. What places have you visited?
I am boring. I think the only two states I went in 2010 were Arkansas and Texas. Arkansas - Hope, Little Rock, Hot Springs; Texas - DFW Metroplex (since I live there), Weatherford (many times), Tyler, Canton

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
More patience and understanding when it comes to my children. Maybe another child... ;)

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched in your memory and why?
There are several...March 12th - my baby's first birthday! August 18th - heard a sermon that changed my life!!! August 28th - had the hardest and most precious conversation with Christi - someone who I consider as close to me as my own mother!! Also, October 26th - I have a rock in my purse to mark this date. It was a significant day because it was a day that I celebrated freedom from a stronghold that Satan has had over my life for 12 long years!!

8. What was your biggest achievement this year?
Surrendering everything to God and laying my shame, guilt, and sin at His feet!

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. I did have some strange ailment with my elbow but it was just tendonitis...no biggie! :)

10. What was the best thing you bought?
A silver heart charm with two little feet on it.

11. Where did most of your money go?
MY GIRLS!!! :) Clothes, bows, shoes, etc. Daycare!

12. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Probably "Broken Into Beautiful" by Gwen Smith or "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe

13. What do you wish you had done more of?
Read my Bible, prayed, loved more intentionally (on purpose and deeply)

14. What do you wish you had done less of?
Watched senseless, STUPID, television. This really became a conviction of mine after a Women's Retreat this past November. I no longer tape Days of Our Lives and through prayer, I have not missed it at all. I felt like God was really telling me that it was trash and took me away from things I should have been doing. Also, I wish I had worried less about what others thought of me.

15. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy (no, God hasn't convicted me of this one yet) :)

16. What was the best book you read this year?
Redeeming Love

17. What was your favorite film of the year?
Well, I only went to the movies twice. I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Sorcerer's Apprentice." Between the two of them, "Sorcerer's Apprentice" was the better one. I just don't watch many movies. I love old movies. I like to go back and watch older movies.

18. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I actually just had my birthday. I went to work. It was a good day. I turned 30!!!! It was a big birthday for me but I actually cried because of how good people were to me. I felt very blessed!!! I have great friends!

19. What political issue stirred you the most?
Wow...what a loaded question. I hate the healthcare issue. I will not go into a lot of detail but I just don't feel like the government should be allowed or given the authority to decide who should or should not have insurance. I will agree that our current healthcare system needs work but I just feel like the plan in place is not where it's at.

20. What was the best new person you met?
CARRIE BOND!!! Without a doubt! I have never met anyone who I just immediately bonded with (no pun intended). Carrie is such an encouragement to me and has helped me so much this year in my walk. I love her so much and I feel like I have known her all my life. So blessed to have met Carrie this past year.

We had an amazing service this morning at church!!! The title was "Great Expectations" and it was basically talking about what the vision for our church is for the upcoming year. I am so excited about everything we heard!!!!! I am very excited to be a part of a new ministry at our church and cannot wait to see what God is going to do. We are starting a post-abortion Bible study. We will use the curriculum "Surrendering the Secret" which is a great tool!

The greatest thing I have taken away from 2010 is that God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY!!! NO MATTER WHAT! Not only does He love us, He forgives us. It does not matter what we have done, He forgives us. Psalm 103:11-12 has become one of my favorite passages:

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

I have felt freedom this past year like never before but where all of this has been such a blessing; it also means that God has called me to another place. Where I have received freedom, I desire for others to experience the same kind of freedom. When God calls us to do something it is not usually easy. This journey has not been easy thus far and satan has been all about it! BUT, God has called me to this place to help others and that is what I will do. Because as we were reminded this morning in our worship service..."For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

I will follow You!

"And we know that ALL THINGS work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28 (emphasis mine)

In A Funk!

2011-01-08T23:50:00.001-06:00

I really do plan on blogging again!!! Promise! I actually started a blog about 2 weeks ago and never finished it. I am hoping by the time I do finish it won't be outdated! Anyway, please don't stop reading...come back again! My hope is to catch up tomorrow. I did a lot of house work today so maybe tomorrow I can "play." Lots to tell you about.....

Reflections

2010-12-14T10:22:00.000-06:00

So, yes, I turned 30!!! I have ALWAYS loved my birthday! Not just my birthday, I love birthdays in general. I love giving gifts to my friends and I love celebrating birthdays! I just think that everyone should get excited about being born! :)

Me at almost 2!

Yesterday I feel like I hit a milestone. Thirty! 30. It's a lot of years. BUT...what I thought so much about was what I have accomplished and what God has done in and through my life.

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

This passage of Scripture means so much to me...even more as I reflect on it this year. God has protected me my ENTIRE life. As a little girl He covered me and loved me even when I did not even really know who He was. As a teenager when I made some of the worst mistakes of my life, He still loved me even though I broke His heart. In my twenties, He blessed me beyond what I could EVER imagine with two educational degrees, a wonderful husband, two amazing children, friends and family that love me unconditionally, and this past year....this past year I just cannot fathom what has taken place....

God has taken a soul that was merely existing and "going through the motions" of life and just "being" and stirred my heart. He called me to stop living in complacency and to stop allowing satan to have victory over my life. He asked me to allow Him to love me completely. He asked me to accept what He had already given me a long time ago...a life of mercy and grace that I don't deserve but that He promised and offers simply because...HE LOVES ME!!!

HE LOVES ME!

I was brought to tears yesterday because GOD LOVES ME! PEOPLE LOVE ME! I have always known that there are people in my life that love me but for the first time in my life-for the first season in my life-I can truly say that I KNOW that people really do love me!!!!! They love me not because of what I do for them...not for anything except...who I am...they love me for me! They don't care what I have done or haven't done...they simply love me. Nothing could make my heart happier.

Me at age 5 - Kindergarten picture

What an amazing birthday present!!! My life has not been perfect but I am blessed and I am determined that even though I have entered into a new phase that the best is yet to come!!! :)

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Me at age 11

Another Lesson

2010-12-07T09:53:00.000-06:00

God has done amazing things in my life recently but I still struggle in the area of security. I know that I recently posted about this but let me be a little more specific here for a minute.

I have a tendency to dwell on things a little too much. I think about things, well, TO DEATH!!!!! I will just think about every possible scenario until I literally make myself sick inside and then the end result is that I am basically scum on the bottom of my shoe. It always ends up like that....confused? Well, let me TRY to explain.

I have already mentioned in previous posts that I have always wanted to be sweet but I just have had a hard time mastering that skill (or gift, whatever). I just have (or don't have) a way with words. Email is a horrible medium of communication but it is what is often used in my world because I am just on the go so much but let's just be honest, I am just as bad with words in person. I say things sometimes that I don't mean and things come across the wrong way. This often gets me in trouble because as much as I try to fix it, it usually just makes it worse. Get the picture? I know that no one else has this problem...it is surely just me, right?! :) Wellll, I have written an email in the past couple of days that I thought I would have gotten a response from that I have not gotten yet and as I have just pondered and dwelt on the email and re-read it a MILLION times I have come to the conclusion that I MUST have offended this person by something I have said in it. It is certainly possible because as I read it back to myself there is something in there that could have come across wrong, etc.....I have composed an email to this person and then decided that I am not going to send it because then this person would think that I am just stupid...you know the whole nine yards!! It is just RIDICULOUS!!! WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF???!!!

Here is the lesson that I have learned this morning and let me assure you that I have been very humbled....

I do have to tell you that I searched EVERYWHERE for my So Long Insecurity book by Beth Moore that I have been reading and I could not find it ANYWHERE. Do you know what God was saying to me? That He does not want me to find my answers in that book (as good as it is and as good of a teacher and godly woman as Beth is). He wants me to find hope and security in HIM and answers in HIS WORD!!! So, that's what I did. I turned off my radio after I dropped my kids off this morning and I talked to Him and wept ALL the way to work.

~John 10:10 says that He came that we may have life and we may have it abundantly. God desires for me to be secure in Him. He wants me to know that I am His. He desires for me to live a life not just wondering if He loves me but KNOWING that He loves me and living a life to the FULLEST. Can I really live a life to the fullest if I walk around all the time wondering if someone is mad at me or wondering if I have offended someone? If I was more worried about what God thought about me than what other people thought about me maybe I would live a holier more God-centered life!!!

~I suppose it never occurred to me that perhaps IT WAS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! What a concept! If I had taken 1/2 a second to think about the person receiving the email (or whatever...it doesn't have to be this specific instance). Maybe they were busy. People do have families and lives to attend to and I am not the only person they have to deal with in a single day. HELLO??!! Perhaps they were busy. As my husband would say....maybe, JUST MAYBE they didn't have a response...maybe they didn't have anything to say!!! It could be that they are gathering more information to respond later. WHO KNOWS?! God calls us to carry one another's burdens. Galatians 6:2 "Carry one another's burdens and so you will fulfill the law of Christ." Maybe they had just received some bad news. Maybe they were just having a bad day. If I had the mind of Christ, my thoughts might have gone something like this....."You know I have noticed that you haven't been yourself lately. How can I pray for you." Or "You know, I have noticed that you have seemed kind of sad. I don't have to know what that's about but I want you to know that I love and care about you." Instead I am staying up half the night worried if they are mad at me...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Get a life, kid!

~And one other thing that God taught me this morning in my car is that when I come to Him, He says to me that it doesn't matter what I say to Him. He loves me. I can offend Him and He loves me anyway. I am HIS!!! I can come to Him at any time during the day and HE IS THERE!! He listens to my "email" and He responds lovingly. He never fails. He is my encourager, He is my supporter, and in HIM I find my security.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

Been Awhile!

2010-12-01T09:24:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a little while since I have posted and this one won't be a "spiritual" one but one about what has been going on with us! I don't have pictures on this computer but I will try to upload tonight now that I have Christmas all done at my house and can do things like that! :)

Rachel's birthday has come and gone and she is such a big SASSY girl!!! She tells me all of the time that she is four and she is not a baby anymore. Kind of makes me sad but I am glad that she is independent...sometimes she is just a little TOO independent! :/ Her birthday party was a BLAST! It was at the Little Gym and they have the best birthday parties. You literally bring a cake, kids, and show up!!! They provide all the rest!!! The kids loved it, Rachel loved it and I was glad because I had a busy weekend!!! That Friday evening, I headed out to Fort Worth - Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary - to be exact for a laadies' retreat!!! I know what you are thinking...didn't you just have a retreat? Yes, yes, I did! BUT, this one was not with my church; it was with a church in Weatherford. A dear friend of mine, Carrie, is the women's ministry leader at her church in Weatherford. We met at a SBTC conference in Tyler earlier this year and have become good friends and she invited me to come along. I AM SO GLAD I DID! I met some wonderful ladies, spent a wonderful weekend in the Lord, and even won 2nd place in a dance contest! HA! It didn't deserve 2nd place, really....don't get too excited! :) The format for this retreat was really great...they did a video retreat so to speak...it was "When Wallflowers Dance" by Angela Thomas and the material was just awesome! I want to read the book and after I am finished with the THREE that I am currently reading I will get RIGHT ON THAT! But here it is and from the little that we heard from the weekend, it is GREAT!!

Anyway, a BUSY but fun and great weekend!

Thanksgiving was nice. It was a tough day. It was Granny's birthday and we celebrated where she used to live which is now my aunt's house. It is always hard to go back. I lived there for so many years. That day was just....hard...on so many levels.

BLACK FRIDAY!!!! So...two years ago I was 6 months pregnant and decided to try Black Friday shopping for the first time. I hated every minute of it. I think it was because I went to Kohl's which I was told was not a good idea...ever! So...I picked the wrong store with swollen feet...so I thought I would try again this year! My plan: Toys R Us at 10:00 PM on Thursday night, then Grapevine Mills Mall at midnight, Office Depot, the next morning, and Mardel's following that...maybe Hobby Lobby. (Would have done Lifeway but it is RIGHT BY the mall in Arlington and...NO, just NO)! So...went and got Kaydi...Brice said I have to have: a buddy, a list, and a budget! HA! So, Kaydi was my buddy! She was a TROOPER! Decided we would do Toys R Us by the mall in Grapevine only to find out it is IN the mall in Grapevine and does not open until midnight like the mall. We then decide to drive to Hurst to Toys R Us there...LINE. IS. RIDICULOUS!!!!! At least 1/2 mile long outside the door and it is COLD! We took pictures of the lines and then got back in the car and drove back to the mall and it is now 11:00...we have an hour before the mall opens. We are sitting in the car..WARM..on our iPhones. At about 11:30 we got out and got in line. Funny thing...we got the stroller out of our trunk and used it to push our "GOODS" around! HA! It was smart, okay!!! We were one of the first ones in the door, went to bathroom first! :) Toys R Us..since it was an Express had NOTHING, I think I got 1 Zhu Zhu pet was all! Then, Carters...SUPER DEALS...everything in the store was 50% off then extra 10% off total purchase! SCORE! Then we went to Gymboree where I ALWAYS go nuts!!! That is where we spent the majority of our time. The checkout line encompassed the entire store (which is not big by the way). Anyway, got some GREAT deals in there too!!! That is mainly what my girls are getting for CHristmas - clothes! They do not need anything else! We went to New York and Company where everything was also 60% off and got some things for US! :) Ate something at Taco Bell and got home by 4:30! It was a blast and I will do it again next year!!! Oh, BTW, when I got home, I ordered everything I wanted from Toys R Us online...discounted prices! :)

Saturday, THE HOGS BEAT LSU!!!! WOO HOO!!! We are now #7 and if Auburn beats South Carolina in the SEC championship we will likely go to the Sugar Bowl!!!! :) :)

Pictures to come!!! Sorry so late and long!!!

Security - Where is Yours?

2010-11-19T15:24:00.000-06:00

Where does your security lie? Hmm...good question, eh? My girls both had to have things to sleep with as small children...Lauren still does. Rachel used to take her "lovie" and twist it around her index finger and that is how she would put herself to sleep. I guess it made her feel safe. We all want to feel safe...whatever that means to us personally.

I have come up with four basic categories that most people find their security in:

1. things
2. others
3. self
4. God

THINGS
Some people put their trust in their material things. The more "stuff" they have the better they feel...but do they really? I used to think that. When I was young, I didn't have much. It was a treat for us to go out to eat. I remember just wanting to get a pair of Keds tennis shoes. That was always what I wanted for my birthday and I was SO excited when I got them. I felt like a million dollars all because I had a $20 pair of shoes! When I got married to a successful young man and could buy just about anything I wanted, I realized that money was NOT where happiness was. It makes living a little easier sometimes but it certainly is not where I place my security. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

Along the same lines, some people place their security in food, drugs, and alcohol - substances. I will be the first to admit that I am an emotional eater! I eat when I am stressed or sad! It does NOT work out well for me. I ALWAYS feel worse afterwards!

OTHERS
Psalm 118:8
"It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans."

I never intended this to be a confession blog but this is MOST DEFINITELY where I have the hardest struggle. I love people. I thrive on relationships. God knows and understands that we are relational people and I absolutely believe that He places people in our lives to show Himself BUT BUT BUT He does NOT place people in our lives to REPLACE Himself!!!! Please please please hear me on this one!!! I learned this the hard way! PEOPLE WILL LET YOU DOWN! I know that might shock you but it is the truth! Even the people that you think are the most perfect people in the world - yep, they will too! Because, I know, another shocker, THEY ARE NOT PERFECT! Please understand me when I say I know how hard this is. I have to pray about this almost daily.

This is what the LORD says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,

who draws strength from mere flesh

and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;

they will not see prosperity when it comes.

They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,

in a salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him."

Jeremiah 17:5-7

SELF
Some people place all of their security in their own self. No one can do it better. They are the person they trust. I like to refer to this as self-centered. Prideful. I first thought of my 4-year old daughter always saying, "I don't need your help! I can do it myself!" Lord, I hope she outgrows that stage!! Or at least matures to the stage where she realizes she DOES need help with some things! At first glance I immediately said, "I am way too insecure to say this is me" but I think we all have a little self-centeredness if we really dig deep. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I found a tiny bit in myself, unfortunately. I am so glad though that God did not call us to rely on ourselves. I would be in a WORLD of trouble!!! "Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe." Proverbs 28:26

GOD
I guess I could say "Or a higher power" but this is my blog and the only higher power we will discuss is the ONE TRUE GOD - JESUS CHRIST! Ultimately, this is where it's at, folks! This is where our security should come from and be rooted in. Nothing else is worth it and all else will fail! "The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever!" Isaiah 40:8 My prayer everyday is that God will draw me to Himself and allow me to trust in Him and allow me to see His face. That I will rely less on my friends and my husband and more on Him.

Now that we have looked at the four areas, have you been challenged to see where you put your trust and where your security lies? I have. It is eye opening. I am reading the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and it has just been a GREAT book. I certainly struggle with insecurity but I have tried to figure out why. I can blame it on my childhood because I certainly had a rough one but I cannot dwell on that. I can't...I REFUSE! There was a time that I did...and quite honestly, I think I wanted to. I was thinking the other day and I came the realization that I think people like dwelling in the dark places of their lives because of the attention that it brings. I know that sounds ridiculous but think about it...when a child acts up in school what happens? They get attention. It may be negative attention but it is attention nonetheless. In the "social work world" we like to call that ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Sometimes that comes from neglect from parents and an unstable childhood, etc but children act out to get attention a lot of the time. They get in trouble and stay in the "bad places" in order to reap something they perceive as "good." Stay with me....if we stay in our "dark places" of sin or sadness people have a tendency to feel sorry for us....at least for a little while. If those people get tired of us, we move on to other people, right? Again, in the psychology realm of things this is often referred to as playing the victim. It is hard for these people to see the good that will come on the other side of their hurt. They can't optimistically look past their current circumstances...or their past.

I want to scream from the top of my lungs GET UP AND GET OUT!!!!! There is SO MUCH MORE on the other side!!!! I know!!! I have been there and I am so past that! I don't want to say that I have a tendency to go back from time to time but dwelling there...NEVER AGAIN! I have experienced the hurt of a painful childhood, I have sinned and know the pain that comes from bad choices and suffered BAD consequences! But the question is WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT???? Romans 8:28 says that "that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Now please hear me when I say that I know it is a process...I KNOW! But you have to CHOOSE to get there! Talk to me...I want to help!!!

I love you dear people! I LOVE YOU!!! Be SECURE in HIM today!!

Authentic

2010-11-16T10:27:00.001-06:00

I think we all as Christians have those "mountain top experiences" when we feel like nothing can stop us from living out our dreams or pressing on with what God would have for us. My fear is that sometimes this can be brought on by meer emotions. My husband and I have had this conversation before...about how emotional revivals and youth camps are. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE revivals and I think that youth camps are awesome but I just think that sometimes the emotional "highs" that come from them are so easily deflated. When we are so protected between the boundaries of the camp or so driven by the daily messages of the evangelists it is easy to get pumped about what God is doing but what happens when we get back to reality? Many times we go back to the life we were living prior to those events. Perhaps they weren't bad lives but mediocre at best.

One of the things I have been focusing on lately is doing the will of God. I want to know and do the true will of God for my life. I want to be authentic and not fabricate what God is doing. For the past several months God has been doing AMAZING things in my life and it has been authentic...no doubt about it but what I DO NOT WANT is for me to EVER get to a point where I start "making up" what God is doing. You see, I have a GREAT imagination! :) I have a tendency to think BIG! I have dreams and I know what my ideas are and what I want for my life. Sometimes being able to discern the difference between God's will and my own is difficult.

"And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." 1 John 2:17

I found the above passage of Scripture this past weekend during quiet time at a retreat. I do not think it was a coincidence. God is working and He is showing Himself to me but I have to be still and wait for Him...something I am not good at! :)

"All I want to do is give my life to You,

All I want to do is give my life to You,

All I want to do is give my life to You.

Let Your will be done

Until it's all I want to do."

Rachel Mackenzie - You Are 4!

2010-11-14T14:22:00.000-06:00

Hey Sweet Girl,

Just minutes after birth

When I had you in my belly, I knew life with you would be so fun because you NEVER stopped moving! I will never forget the first time I felt you move - it was magical! I always worried that something was wrong with you because I could not understand why God would bless me with such a wonderful gift.

Meeting Mommy for the first time

I didn't think it was possible to love you any more than I did when you were born but my love for you grows everyday. You are beautiful inside and out and it has been such a delight to see you grow into yourself and for your little personality to develop. You are so tenderhearted. You cry easily and get your feelings hurt in a second - one of those gifts that your mommy gave you! You are SUPER smart like your daddy.

Proud Daddy

From the time you were just a little girl in my arms, I would rock and sing to you. Our song became "I Love You, A Bushel and A Peck." I LOVE that you now sing that WITH me and know that it is "our song." I love your kisses, your hugs, and the way you just want me.

You spent the first couple of days in the NICU

You love people and you care about others...a trait that is such a joy to see. You want to pray for your friends and for people that you don't even know. What a special girl you are! And, you also love your sister which melts my heart!

1 year old

You are hard headed and independent and some days you make me crazy but I will never love anyone else like I love you! You teach me more about life than anyone I know and I hope that we will always have a special relationship.

2 years old

My desire is for you to always know that Mommy and Daddy love you and more importantly that God loves you and He gave up His Son so that you would not have to bear the burden of your sins. I want to always protect you from bad things and I will do my best to teach you wisdom and discernment. My greatest desire is that one day you will come to know Jesus as your Savior and accept Him into your heart.

3 years old

I love you more than life itself - I hope you always know that. Happy 4th Birthday, Sweet Girl!

Love,

Mommy

4 years old!

This Day Four Years Ago

2010-11-07T14:52:00.000-06:00

I told you I would probably have another "Rachel story..."

Four years ago today I walked into the doctor's office for my 36 week appointment only to be told that I would most likely be having a baby THAT day - to head to labor and delivery! I had been on home bed rest for about 3 weeks and that day, I was told that I had "failed home bed rest." Isn't that nice? Anyway, my mother in law was with me because Brice was in Pittsburg, PA. After I got settled into my room and got the blood pressure cuff on, the doctor came in and said, "Best case scenario your blood pressure will be monitored for a few hours and then you will go home. That's not likely. You will likely AT LEAST stay overnight." She went to get her hair done and then came back and said I would be in the hospital until I had the baby - which I was thinking was going to be 4 weeks away! I started freaking out just a little. I called Brice who was calmly panicking thinking he needed to come home right then! I worked in the hospital where I was and I told him to just come when he could - that I was okay. He got the first flight the next morning.

I actually stayed pregnant for another week! I started getting really sick the day before Rachel was born which is likely why I ended up back in the hospital with HELLP Syndrome 5 days after Rachel was born. She was born at 37 weeks and did not suck/swallow/breathe well...typical of 37 week babies - what we call late preterm babies. She got to spend a few days in the NICU.

Four years later, Rachel is incredibly happy and healthy and I am healthy too - it was scary after she was born and I was on blood pressure medication for 8 weeks afterwards. It repeated itself when I was pregnant with Lauren but the doctors were a little more cautious because of my history and I spent 14 days prior to her almost 38 week delivery in the hospital with no ill effects after she was born.

I am so blessed to be her Mommy! I will post more about that next week! :)

November

2010-11-02T12:51:00.000-05:00

November is a tough month for me. There are a lot of things in this month that cause me to remember...loved ones that have died, things that have happened that I would like to forget but have changed my life forever, and my sweet Rachel was born. My first born baby girl!!! I CANNOT believe that she is going to be 4 years old this year.

This picture was taken when I was at home on bed rest at about 35 weeks pregnant...the last picture of us before she was born and probably one of my most treasured pictures even though I was as BIG AS A COW! I went into the hospital shortly after this.

There will be more "Rachel posts" I am sure...just warnin' ya! ;) Yes, I am that kind of sappy momma!

Sweet?

2010-11-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

One of my best friends had this as her Facebook status recently:

..."loves how when God has a message for you it becomes a recurring theme in your life!"

How true is that!? I could not shout "AMEN" loud enough...internally, of course...so that people in my house would not think I was nuts! ;)

Someone else was talking about on her blog recently about when God becomes the center of your life that you cannot help but notice Him in things. I LOVE that and it just resounded with me!

You see, this is such a new concept for me! I have shared with several people recently that I am at a place in my spiritual walk right now that I have honestly never been before. It is amazing! To say I have arrived is FAR from the truth and if I ever say that I am in SERIOUS trouble but I am MILES from where I was, say, 6 months ago and I would like to share with you why I think that is...

I have said things about myself before that went like this:

"I wish I were more sweet spirited."
"I wish I didn't have such a short temper."
"I wish people looked up to me like they do her."

Those are just to name a few...but more than anything, the first one on my list is wanting to have a sweeter spirit. I have always wanted to be kind. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think I am just a horribly hateful person but those of you that know me know that I am blunt and outspoken and you also know that I am VERY tenderhearted. I would DIE to know if I EVER hurt someone's feelings but the truth is that I do...ALL OF THE TIME! I LOATHE that about myself. It makes me have a knot in the pit of my stomach just typing it...thinking about it. Here is what I will say about this, what I like to call, character flaw within myself - God calls us to all be different people. We cannot all be the sweet ladies at church and at the supermarket. Hang with me here...that is NOT a cop-out! Some of us are "go-getters" and some of us aren't. That does not mean that God does not want us to strive towards possessing all attributes of the fruit of the Spirit which include love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galations 5:22-23a. What I am saying is that although I will never be JUST LIKE that specific person that I am trying to model myself after at church God has called me to be gentle in my own way. He wants me to model myself after HIM.

God tell us to "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

For the past 2 1/2 months, I have been seeing God's work in my life more than ever because I have decided to follow His call. It has been an amazing journey and He isn't finished yet! I cannot wait to see what is in store but just as a healing journey is, as a friend of mine describes it, like a peeling of an onion - layer by layer - sometimes coming off in junks - that is also what a spiritual journey is like. I see God taking parts of my life that I don't like - that He doesn't desire for my life - and peeling it away. It isn't easy...sometimes it is even painful!

If we choose to walk with God and choose to see God in things, He will reveal Himself to us. He will use us for His glory. My desire is that everything I do be about Him and not about me.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Called

2010-10-28T10:05:00.001-05:00

When I was a little girl I always wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse –I know pretty specific, huh? Ironically, one of my very best friends is that very thing today! Well, I AM NOT! :) I have always known that I wanted to work in the medical field, however. It both intrigues me and grosses me out all at the same time! When I was in college, I was going pre-nursing right up until I starting ~~failing~~ not doing so well in my science classes – you know all of those classes that are essential for nursing school! (It didn’t help that I contracted mononucleosis my second semester in college and had to be out of classes for 6 weeks either, but that’s beside the point)! Anyway, I digress…I started looking into different professions and the Bachelor’s degree in Christian counseling degree at Central Baptist College (where I was a student at the time) was brand new. I had looked into it and did some research and prayed about it and after some self-discovery and God working on my heart about an area of my life that needed some healing, I knew that counseling and eventually social work was the path that I and God would want me to take. The cool thing is that I knew I could do hospital social work, but I also knew it would require a master’s degree…not something I was super excited about since I was barely able to pay for college, but God is good!

I did graduate from the Christian counseling program with my bachelor’s degree in 2003. The semester prior to that, I lacked SERIOUS direction. I was feeling pressure from several areas…one from the lady that I was living with at the time. We had a pretty heated ~~argument~~ discussion about what I would do with the “rest of my life.” She all but told me that I would never make any money in my profession (she did know what she was talking about) and that I really needed to get on the ball about making a decision because it wasn’t going to just “fall in my lap.” All in all, she was right. I applied for the masters of social work program at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock which was EXTREMELY hard to get into – especially from a conservative private college. So, I also applied at the University of Texas at Arlington. I had family in the DFW area and decided that I could relocate there if needed…not my first option. In short, I was actually accepted into BOTH programs! I was ecstatic!! BUT, I now had a choice! UGH! If you know me at all, you know I hate choices! It didn’t take me long to decide, I stayed in Central Arkansas. I got a job at Arkansas Children’s Hospital (LOVED THIS JOB!!!) and went through the MSW program which was THE HARDEST THING EVER! Not the work necessarily, just trying to be a “fish out of water” so to speak…a conservative in a very liberal world. I was in grad school during the election between Kerry and Bush and it was…just difficult being me.

I graduated and began applying for jobs. After all, I knew what I wanted to do – I wanted to work in a hospital! I applied and interviewed for a few. The first interview I had was at a mental health clinic for severely mentally ill adults and I DID NOT WANT THIS JOB AT ALL!!!!!! Therefore, I went to the interview and was not nervous ONE BIT! I was COMPLETELY myself! I left there knowing I did not want the job yet felt very confident that the interview went well. It was strange. They called the next day and offered me the job! I felt a weird sense of conflict within myself. I talked with Brice and prayed about it. I talked with some of my friends. I actually ended up taking the job and LOVED IT! It was stressful and hard and I worked sometimes 60+ hours a week but it was a great first job out of school. I had a great boss! I was only there for 7 months when my husband called me in between clients to tell me that they were closing the Little Rock office and we would either have to move or he would have to switch jobs. We had been married for a little over a year and I had been at my job for less than a year. I had just purchased my first new vehicle, AND I had a schizophrenic patient about to walk into my office!!! Um…FREAK OUT!

The rest of the story kind of gets boring from here. I will summarize…we ended up moving to Texas – DFW area. We moved in February 2006, I started working at a HOSPITAL in March and we found out we would have our first baby 2 weeks after I started! I did eventually quit working full time and went to a PRN (setting my own schedule, only working on the weekends) mainly because I was so sick with my pregnancy and afterwards. Hospital social work was not nearly as fulfilling to me as the mental health world…I will just throw that in there! :)

I am now working full time again and have been since last December. I struggled for a long time about whether or not to go back full time. After Rachel was born, I was home with her during the day until she was 3 – taking her Parent’s Day Out since she was a year old. I did work some during the week occasionally but, for the most part, I was home with her. I started working full time when Lauren was 9 months old. Sometimes I feel like I cheated Lauren in a way. I feel guilty for not giving her a chance with her Mommy. Brice and I talked and prayed and prayed and talked about this career move for me. I have said things like, “I am not good stay-at-home-mom material” and I truly do believe that! Some moms do that really well. My kids did not learn much from me when I was at home. When I am at home, I am cleaning or doing laundry or checking things off my list…not focusing on them. If that’s not transparency, I don’t know what is!!! :S I am not a teacher at heart! I don’t feel bad about that – it’s just not me! I hated school! I liked it when I was younger because that was my safe place. It was where I went to escape my home life but I never wanted to be a teacher – EVER! I don’t make daily lesson plans with my children. I don’t have agendas. I am not made that way. Now, when I get my kids at the end of a work day, I take them home and we talk about what they learned…I sit with them and reiterate what their teachers have already taught them. I love on them! I hold them and kiss them because I feel like I appreciate them more because I am not with them. You may think that I am WRONG for this and I appreciate your comments but that’s how I feel. I have had people tell me that my priorities are in the wrong place because I am at work and not with my kids. The truth is that I don’t have to be at work. Financially I do not have to work. If it makes you angry that I do, I am sorry.

I will say this – I love my children. Right now, I also feel called to a place outside of my home. I feel like God has placed me at my place of employment to help those in need. God provided me a way to go to college because I did not have it! He then provided a way to allow me into a TOUGH program for graduate school that I was not SUPPOSED to get into and helped me to persevere through…FOR WHAT? To help others. Last December when this position came open, it was actually different than it is now. There were some layoffs in March prior to that and the women/children social worker was part of that layoff. Then the ortho/neuro social worker quit, making a vacant position. Someone else was actually just covering the women/children area temporarily. I felt called to the women/children area so I went to talk to my boss and said, “If I am going to be away from my children every day, I want it to be because of something I am passionate about. Would you consider making this position women/children and a small portion of ortho/neuro?” So, I now cover NICU, labor and delivery/post partum, women’s OB/GYN surgical, and 6 beds of ortho/neuro. It was a God thing! I love my job! Lately, I have been struggling with whether or not God is wanting me to do ministry with women in some capacity full time but for RIGHT NOW, I am where I need to be and my kids are doing well. I do still struggle occasionally with not being with my kids much. I love them and I miss them when they are not with me. They are my world but they also will always know that!!

“…for such a time as this.” Esther 4:14

“There is a time for everything. And a season for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” Colossians 3:23

IBC Ladies Retreat 2010

2010-10-27T10:29:00.001-05:00

Our ladies retreat was this last weekend and it was awesome! I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to stop and just give up planning this retreat but I knew that Satan was working...working to try to discourage me. This was a big project. Along with dealing with very personal things, I was having to come up with a theme, speakers, decorations, food, venue, gifts, etc...it was a lot. At times, it seemed like too much. Don't get me wrong, it was a lot of fun to plan but it was a lot.

BUT...

It was such a blessing!!!!!

We had 3 ladies from Fielder Road Baptist Church in Arlington come and lead worship, do some comedy, and speak about being transformed. Our Scripture reference for the weekend came from Romans 12:1-2.

I sit here and type with tears in my eyes as I think about all of the ways that God touched me personally this weekend and about all of the things I heard other ladies say. Here is what I know that God said to me this weekend:

1. If I will call to Him, He will tell me things which I do not know. Jeremiah 33:3

2. He has taken away all judgments against me as far as the east is from the west. (combined paraphrase) Zephaniah 3:15 & Psalm 103:12

3. He will quiet me with his love.
Zephaniah 3:17

4. When I do not know what to pray, the Spirit will intercede for me.
Romans 8:26

God is doing such an incredible work all around me and I am just chomping at the bit to share!!!!! I have spoken to a couple friends the past couple of days who have shared God's goodness with me and it is just brings me to tears!

That is REASON TO REJOICE!!!! :)

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2010-10-21T15:35:00.004-05:00

In 1988 Ronald Reagan proclaimed October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In 2006, October 15th became an official day of recognition by Congress - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a special day to honor and acknowledge pregnancies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, prematurity complications, neonatal death, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), illness, accidents, and other tragic causes. Pink and light blue are the awareness colors.

It is my privilege to serve as the co-chair of the Bereavement Committee at the hospital where I work. This committee has a goal of raising pregnancy and infant loss awareness and supporting those affected by such a loss. Our committee consists of nurses, social workers, and our hospital chaplain. For the past several months, we have been planning our first ever ceremony to honor and remember the babies that have have been lost, not only in our hospital, but in our community due to the above mentioned circumstances. On Friday, October 15, 2010, our ceremony was held and it was a precious time for everyone involved.

We planted a tree in memory of Masyn - my friend and co-worker (BLD)'s, baby who she was never able to physically meet. She never was able to hold her; but love her and cherish her, she did, does and always will.

Candles were lit at 7:00 PM on our north lawn, as they were all across the globe in all time zones at the same time in honor of babies lost. One of our patients who has lost a baby to miscarriage and another at 24 weeks gestation to stillbirth shared her pain and grief. It was a special and intimate time.

This was shared with me from a friend.....This month we remember babies born sleeping, or whom we have carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, or the ones that came home but did not stay.

My heart goes out to so many that have lost their children....their BABIES...it hurts. God gives us a promise in Isaiah....

...to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, festive oil instead of mourning, and splendid clothes instead of despair. ~Isaiah 61:3

Choices

2010-09-24T16:06:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about choices. We all makes choices. Sometimes the choices we make affect who we are, sometimes they affect just us, sometimes they affect others and sometimes we may not know until it's too late the consequences of our choices. Then again, sometimes we make choices KNOWING the consequences BEFORE we make them yet make them anyway. Why do we do that?

Paul says in Romans 7:17 as he struggled with sin: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He talks about evil desires and our sin nature taking over but we have a choice...to make a decision to overcome those desires. Sometimes, we fail. Often, we fail. What happens? Consequences and pain associated with those consequences.

As parents, Brice and I are careful to teach our girls that they are not bad, but sometimes the choices they make are bad. We teach them about making wise choices and help them to understand that there are consequences for their unwise choices and often times, especially to a four year old, that is pretty painful.

There is good news! When we choose to sin and we mess up, PRAISE GOD that there is a Redeemer there to pick us up and restore us! Whatever that sin, God forgives! "ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23. God does not rate sin. Sometimes we get into the "sin-rating" game where we get a little self-righteous thinking that if we didn't do "THAT" that we are "okay" in the sight of God and man. The fact is, that sin is sin is sin!!! People are dealing with the pain of their choices everyday and God does not rate sin and we shouldn't either.

The choice to heal. This choice is hard. Which is easier - to put a bandaid on a wound or to debride it? Here are the definitions:

bandaid -
1.a brand of adhesive bandage with a gauze pad in the center, used to cover minor abrasions and cuts.

2.a makeshift, limited, or temporary aid or solution that does not satisfy the basic or long-range need.

debridement
1.surgical removal of foreign matter and dead tissue from a wound.

Those are actual definitions from the dictionary...no joke! I work at a hospital...I have setup wound vacs for people and to be quite honest, wounds are disgusting! I am social worker and not a nurse for a reason! My main area is women's services FOR A REASON! The babies are cute!!! I have seen a wound that needs a debridement and I have seen a patient in pain after a debridement...neither are a pretty sight! The easier choice is clear. It is so much easier to put a bandaid on a wound. To just temporarily cover it up...whether that be with substances, people, pushing it aside, food, whatever "feels" good to you at the moment. Getting to the very core of what the problem is the hard part. True healing has to start deep. That is a choice. It takes a true commitment. No excuses. If we rely on what feels good to us, then we will NEVER truly heal because true healing - the process - DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. But rest assured, the end result will feel good!!!

That's what they tell me anyway!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

Your Wish....

2010-09-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

She's 18 months old!!!!

We go to the doctor in a couple of weeks so I will post stats then but she is still BIG!!!

I LOVE her so very much!!!!!

A Little Family Update

2010-09-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

I know my blog hasn't been super exciting to read lately and you are just wishing that I would bring back the cutie pictures of my kids and the fun posts about vacationing and what I do on a daily basis but that's just not where I am right now.

I will, however, give you a little update. Rachel is doing well. We started a new daycare. The girls LOVE IT!!! Rachel is in a smaller class with kids more her age. She seems to be really thriving! I am so excited! We prayed about moving them for such a long time and the fact that this particular place had an opening was really something. God is good! Anyway, she will be 4 in November and acts every bit of 14!!! She is a mess but she certainly gets it honestly! :)

Lauren is almost 18 months!! She is talking up a storm now! Since she started at the new daycare, she has really started playing independently more and with her sister without Mommy - which is a HUGE blessing! She has always been such a "Mommy's Girl" which I love at times but at other times, it can be very taxing! She is becoming a little person instead of a baby and it kinda makes me sad! That was about the time with Rachel that we decided to have Lauren....don't worry, another baby is not in the works yet! ;)

Brice and I are good...closer than ever I think. He has been a tremendous rock for me in dealing with all of what I am dealing with the past few months. He loves me unconditionally and understands that I am just following God and doing what I know God wants me to do. I know this is hard for him but he is so patient with me. God could not have blessed me with a better partner in life. He is everything I need in a husband. He is willing to sacrifice for me in the future weeks and I am so thankful. I love him with my whole heart.

My family is my life. I love them with everything in my being but I have to let you know that when God call us to something, we must obey. God is going to do great things in my life and I am excited about the weeks and months to come but it will be a hard road. As I have said previously, I am on the journey towards healing and with that comes emotions and feelings that are bigger than me and harder than I can take on myself. I have to rely on God. He is bigger than all of my emotions and feelings and together with all of those that are walking alongside me and encouraging me and with God, we will accomplish much for His kingdom and I cannot wait!!!

Journey

2010-08-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

I did something today that was, by far, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do emotionally.

I am on a journey. It is a journey of healing. This blog post may seem confusing to you but mostly what it will be is incomplete. I cannot divulge a ton of information in this post but I will share all in good time. One thing I have learned on this journey - God's timing is absolutely perfect!!

Have you ever had to tell someone something that you knew would disappoint them or hurt them but you knew it was necessary in order for you to move forward and accomplish something or just to simply move on with a clear conscience? The time leading up to that point of talking to that person is excruciating!!!! The moment you are there talking to them, it is like time is standing still - you don't know whether to breathe...trying to figure what will happen next. Afterwards, depending on the outcome, you are either totally relieved or you are crushed or perhaps both. I know how this feels. I experienced this...today.

For more than 10 years now, I have been carrying around something that is difficult for me to talk about. God has really been working in my life recently to prepare me for what He has in store. He is going to do something big with this something and I am so excited about what He is going to accomplish for His kingdom through me but there was a little problem. I had/have some business to take care of first. I needed to talk to someone who I admire, I love with my whole heart, and I have thought of as a mom for 15+ years. My spiritual mentor, so to speak, when I was a teenager. Someone incredibly special to me. That's what I did today.

There were tears. Beforehand, tears stemming from fear. During, fear of the unknown and just overwhelming emotion. Afterwards, the tears were more turned into tears of freedom, joy, relief, love. More than anything, what I felt was the overwhelming presence of God's love, mercy, and grace displayed. It was incredible!!!

I can't give many more details right now but I will say this: redemption and restoration are incredible! I have felt it today from a close friend/mentor/parental figure. I have also felt the hand of God working in my life over the past several months preparing me for what was to happen today. I have been redeemed and restored concerning this "thing" by God many years ago. I am in the process healing.

God is good! That is the most important Reason to Rejoice!!!

Promise

2010-08-18T20:54:00.000-05:00

I want to share more but right now, all I can say is that I am struggling. I am struggling with freedom. I kind of feel like I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders. It is a daily battle. I have God's promise that His mercy and grace are sufficient and thankfully each day He gives me enough strength and peace to get through that day.

God is preparing my heart for some great stuff ya'll! I am excited about what is to come!!! It's going to huge!!!

You all know how important music is to my life. This song in the following video is my theme song right now. I have to hold on the promise that this song talks about. Enjoy!

We're Still Here!

2010-08-09T20:19:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone!!! We are still here, as my title points out. Things have been so busy! We have taken a vacation since I was here last and OH...big news....

I FINISHED MY NOVEL!!!!

It was awesome! I am waiting to watch the movie to tell you what I think about the endings of each of them. From what I hear, the ending is very different from the book to the movie. I loved the book. It was VERY long and I finished it in a week. It was a very surprising ending and it was sad and most people told me that they hated the way it ended but I liked it....a twist. Sad but I liked the way it ended.

Vacation....it seemed short. Brice and I had a great time getting away to Hot Springs for the weekend. We got to see a ton of friends while we were in Arkansas and it's always a pleasure to see family.

I cannot believe the summer is almost over and I am SO GLAD!!! It is so flippin hot outside!! I love fall! I love winter! I love spring! I like summer.

Brice and I went out for our anniversary on Saturday.....yes, I started this post on the 31st of July and just finished it on the 9th of August. On the 7th...this past Saturday, we have been married for 6 years!! He is my best friend and I love him....even though he drives me crazier than anyone I know!!! :) We went to eat at Steel at the recommendation of my OB. It was good. I didn't enjoy my food all that much but I think it was because it was really sweet and I am not much into super sweet stuff. BUT, the atmosphere and the service were EXCELLENT!!! We had a great experience! The sushi was awesome!

The girls are about to start at a new daycare and I COULD NOT be more thrilled!!!! It is closer to home and it is a church which I am excited about. Rachel needs this so much! They start on the 23rd.

We just started a new computer program at work and I spent majority of my day today helping out my co-workers. It was refreshing to be the one that others called on. It gave me a unique sense of belonging that was nice. I really think I needed that. That may not make sense to most of you reading this but it makes sense to me.

That's about it for now. I will write more later!! With pictures...my girls are too cute not to show you! :)

Realizations

2010-07-15T14:45:00.000-05:00

So, I have come to some realizations about myself in the past few months. I have found that there some things about myself that...well, just are. I don't know how else to put it. I have some "quirkiness" about myself. One is the fact that I really want to like things and do things but I can't. Are you confused? Let me explain....

When I hear of a good book that comes out in the Christian Living or better yet, self help world, I immediately want to rush out and buy it and most of the time, I do...or I get it for Christmas or birthday if it is the right time of the year. Here are a few examples:

These are all GREAT books by GREAT authors! I have all three of these books lying on my night stand just WAITING to be read. I have read about 5 or 6 chapters (give or take a few) in each of them. This is the deal...

I have a problem where I can't just read the book and put back on the shelf and say, "Hmm..that was a good book" and move on. I want to dissect each part of the book, apply it to my life, and figure out how each chapter is about me and then use it...in detail. That's hard when you have two sweet little girls that want your time and devotion - and deserve it, a husband, a full time job, and a house to run. I find that I feel guilty about not really enjoying those type books.

I say all of that to say this....I went to Target last night to look for a book (yes, that kind of book that I am describing above) with no luck and I started looking at the "suggested reading" selections. I picked up, out of curiousity, a Jodi Picoult book - one that, even if you aren't familiar with her, you have probably heard the title:

Before I knew it, I was already into the book by several pages. I was captivated by this book!!!! It was amazing! I bought it. I actually couldn't decide between this one and another one:

I will read the 2nd one after I finish the first one which I am so excited about reading!!! Let me just say...I AM NOT A READER!!!!! The fact that I am excited about reading a novel that is VERY thick is amazing! I am slowly getting past the guilt of not wanting to read self-help Christian books. I do want to better myself but I just can't do it by ~~reading~~ not reading all of those books on my night stand.

I will let you know what I think of the book and then I will watch the movie and compare!

I'm so excited! :)

Break

2010-07-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

I don't guess I need to tell you that I have been on a "blogging break" huh? You kinda figured that one out all by yourself, I bet!!! :)

Uninspired? Busy? Tired? That's probably the reason!!!!

I had an absolutely FABULOUS day today!! I took a personal day. For ME! That's right and it was amazing! I slept late...a little. I got up, took a shower, took the girls to daycare, shopped at Babies R Us and met some friends at Glorias for lunch. GREAT food and fellowship with a godly group of some of my favorite ladies!!!! I LOVE them...all of them!!!! I can truly say that all 5 of them are women that I love, truly, deep down. I have such a unique relationship with each of them and I am so very blessed to know them all. Then after that, me and two of my friends went for pedicures....ahhhhhh....my toes are great! :) Then I went to Kohl's and got me some jean shorts. I had NONE that fit. I got a dress and two shirts too and some short sets for Lauren in bigger sizes...bless her heart! :)

I am also blessed to have such a wonderful FRIEND and co-worker who agreed to work my shift today so that I could enjoy all of this and not worry about whether or not my job was going to be done. I LOVE IT!!!! All too often, I leave not knowing if my work will be done while I am gone. Not today, folks! She.is.awesome! The thing is this...even on the weekend, I am stressed because when I have to come back on Monday, I am left to pick up where I left off on Friday. Tomorrow I can go in and know that work was actually done in my place today...what a great feeling.

Yes, I know, I have not posted any pictures lately. I have some on my camera that I need to download. I don't take many these days. The girls are doing well. They are rotten!!

Thanks for sticking with me even though I am a lousy blogger..... :)

Lauren

2010-06-25T20:01:00.000-05:00

So...I never posted about Lauren's 15 month checkup.

She is 28 lbs, 14 oz - 97th %tile
32 inches long - 95th %tile

She is in size 4 diapers still. She eats just about anything but spits it out IMMEDIATELY if she doesn't like it! She is very opinionated and very high maintenance...she always has been. She loves her big sister and looks for her if she isn't around. She says lots of words...some of which we can't exactly make out! She loves playing with baby dolls and reading books...or rather having books read to her. She will bring you a book, turn around, sit in your lap - requesting you to read and then clap when it's over. It's the cutest thing! She definitely has an attitude and she is loud just like her sister! She has more ear infections than I can count at this point. Which is why this morning....

We got tubes placed in her ears and her adenoids removed. We had to be there at 6:00 and then the surgery was at 7:15. She did really well. She was HILARIOUS after they gave her Versed. She was staring into space and just laughed...at nothing. It was pretty funny. Anyway, we were back home by 9:30 and she slept for most of the day with the help of Lortab. Mommy and Daddy even got a nap because Rachel was with my Aunt Donna for the day.

I have joined a summer Bible study and I am super excited about it. I think it is going to be really good. I will post more about that later!

Random Things About Me

2010-06-17T17:58:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today about how quirky I can be. I know we all have our things that we do that make us who we "are" and I thought it would be fun to let you in on some of the ways that I am....ME!

1. I am very outgoing but I do not trust easily.
2. I do not like for my food on my plate to touch.
3. I have always wanted to work in the medical field. First, I wanted to be a pediatric nurse practitioner - thought I wanted to do oncology. As I have gotten older, I am absolutely fascinated with babies...especially labor and delivery. If I didn't hate school so much and know that it would take so long and cost so much, I might think about going back to school to be an OB/GYN...that's how interested in it I am - it truly fascinates me!
4. I do not like marshmallows, coconut, or whipped cream...I do like other white foods though! :)
5. I get attached to people really easily. Once you have my trust and my heart, you have it. It breaks my heart when people leave or move away that I am close to. I have been this way since I was a little girl.
6. Although I have a tendency to be blunt in speech, it would kill me to think that I hurt someone's feelings.
7. To go along with #6, I am a HUGE people pleaser!!!! I spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of me. If I have said something that I think has offended someone I go out of my way to "fix it." I cannot stand to be the cause of conflict.
8. I love seafood! My favorite is lobster and crab but I love shrimp, crawfish, scallops and just about anything else that comes out of the sea!
9. I am very particular about the way things are done. I don't claim to be extremely organized but I do have a "way of doing things" and I want someone to come behind me and do it the same way. I did not realize I was this way until recently and it kind of bothers me. I wish I could just be more grateful that someone was helping and doing something at all instead of worrying about HOW they were doing it.
10. I have a hard time letting go of things that are bothering me. I need resolution. I will sit and think about things for FOREVER until I make myself sick! I have to talk and talk and talk and TALK about stuff until I feel like something has been done to either fix the situation or at least remedy it for the time. I feel like things have to have a nice bow tied around them...resolution. This drives my husband crazy because he can just walk away from something and never think about it again and assume it's over. Not me.
11. I am very random. My mind races from one thing to another very quickly. I can be thinking about one thing and within a matter of seconds, I am on something COMPLETELY different and you will often hear the words come out of my husband's mouth, "What? That was random!"
12. My favorite color is purple.
13. I have always wanted three children - 2 girls and a boy....almost there! :)
14. I am very sensitive and cry very easily.
15. I love to eat!
16. I tried being a stay at home mom and I am not very good at it! I love my girls more than life itself but I am better as a working mom. Some would think that makes me a bad mom but I say DON'T JUDGE!!!!
17. I am a follower, not a leader and I really think that my 3 1/2 year old daughter is very much the same way. I have to say that I am not proud about that.
18. I would have to say that I have a temper, I am not patient, and wish I were more sweet spirited.
19. But I also have to say that I am very giving, I love people, and I usually have the best intentions.
20. I am NOT a morning person!
21. I LOVE being pregnant...until the end when things get a little "tricky" for me!
22. I have never really had a strong fatherly influence in my life...not until I was about 14 years old...and it was a mentor that I met at church...Charlie.
23. I have several people in my life that I consider to have influenced "who I am" today. Having had an extremely tough childhood, I had people from all over that took me under their wings.
24. I have a better relationship with my mom now than I ever have before. We have never been close but we are closer now that I have my own children.
25. I consider my husband to be my absolute best friend. He is my favorite person in the whole world. I turn to him for everything...answers to almost any of my questions. He is a wonderful father to my children and the perfect match for me...my complete opposite! :) I absolutely have no idea what I would without him and at the same time, he drives me bananas!

So there's probably more about me than you wanted to know! ;)

Update on Rachel

2010-06-15T14:36:00.000-05:00

Well, the grandparents are here and are helping out tremendously. What a blessing!

My friend Kaydi and I took Rachel yesterday to Cook Children's Hospital in Ft. Worth for her VUCG and ultrasound. She did GREAT with the ultrasound - she laid there and ate a sucker while watching Sleeping Beauty. The VUCG...not so much! She did okay until about the 4th wiping of betadine solution on her "bottom" and then she wasn't okay anymore. It went from bad to worse. By the end of it she was screaming, "LET ME GO!" It was traumatic for all involved. The techs that were there were less than helpful in calming her down - in fact, they actually made it worse. I was appalled at how poorly they handled my frighened 3 1/2 year old. Anyway, we got through and she earned a milk shake and a Jessie doll from Toy Story! The pediatrician called at 5:00 and told us that VUCG was normal but that she does have some fluid around her left kidney and we need to follow up with a pediatric urologist. That appointment is set for July 20th.

A lot to take in as a parent. I am okay and I know she will be fine but I have to tell you that this is not the only thing that we are dealing with right now...we have a lot going on and I am on an emotional roller coaster!!!

Lauren's 15 month appointment is today and I will post about it later.

Hot Diggity Dog!!!

2010-06-13T17:42:00.000-05:00

I wanted to title this post Ballerina Beauty but it just wouldn't fit in this particular instance....but to me, she is a beauty!!! :)

We had Rachel's dance recital on Saturday night and she was perfect...well, probably not but she was still perfect!!!! Her class - a group of ten 3 and 4 year olds danced a tap routine to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse's "Hot Dog." It was cute! I was a stage mom and keeping that many girls entertained for that long was...well, it was difficult and I am just glad that I didn't have that many children that age at once!!! I am not sure I would not be in jail right now!

Many of Rachel's little friends came to see her and she felt so proud! Her grandparents from Arkansas were here to see her to and brought her a beautiful silver puffed heart necklace before the performance. She got a lot of "star treatment."

This mommy was proud!

Daddy brought Rachel brought flowers and she loved them!

The whole group of girls

No Time to Rethink...

2010-06-09T20:32:00.001-05:00

Okay, so seriously, I am so sorry that I am so far behind on blogging! I have meant to come here so many times and let you in on our lives! I have a beautiful family and I want to share them with you, I really do. I am ashamed to say that I do not take as many pictures as I should....I really don't! Our lives are passing us before we know it and I will be blogging soon about my little girls going to kindergarten, graduating from high school, getting married, and OH, I BETTER STOP BEFORE I GET WEEPY!!!

I feel like I say it all of the time on here but I just don't have time to blog. I want to, I really do and I plan to blog when I have a few extra minutes. I look back on past blogs and I love reading them and I will miss that if I stopped so I have no intention to stop blogging but I have to stop apologizing for not blogging. I will blog when I get the chance. I will TRY to blog more but I am not promising anything and no more apologizing!!! :)

So...what has happened since you heard from me last?
-Lauren's surgery is scheduled for June 25th for tubes and adenoid removal
-Rachel is going to have a VUCG on Monday the 14th to see if her kidneys are refluxing - she has had 3 UTIS and the pedi is just wanting to make sure her kidneys are working properly. It is not going to be fun...at all.
-Lauren's little friend, Melody turned a year old!!! We celebrated at a splash park with lots of fun

What are we looking forward to?
-Rachel's dance recital is Saturday
-Brice's parents are coming tomorrow for a little over a week!!
-A family vacation in July...nothing major...just time together

Something that has happened that is noteworthy and has really "shaken" our world lately is that our dear friend and pastor, Shawn, just announced this past Sunday that he is going in view of a call to a church in Hot Springs. In laymen's terms that basically means that he will be relocating to Arkansas soon to serve as pastor to that church. Basically once it gets to this point, it is pretty much a "done deal." He is a great person and I, personally, love him and his family dearly. This will be hard for our church but also an opportunity for our church to grow and mature and see what God has in store for us as a congregration together. He was our pastor for 6 years and has done amazing things for and with God at our church and we will miss him greatly. Sunday was hard and it will be hard to say goodbye to him when that time comes and to his wife and children.

I will try to post pictures next time. I will post after the recital with lots of pictures! She looks so cute in her costume and is so proud! :)

Awesome Giveaway!!

2010-05-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

I get the cutest dresses from an awesome lady who has an ADORABLE little girl named Ava! She did Lauren's birthday dress and I have bought some other stuff from her. She even does little boy stuff and the best news...

SHE IS DOING A GIVEAWAY!!!!

Go to her blog and see how to enter!!!!

Our Week

2010-05-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

I know it has been awhile since I have posted and it seems like I start every post with this statement but we have had quite a week.

Lauren has been congested and snotty for a couple of weeks and I was worried that last week I was going to be making a trip to the pediatrician and even made a comment when I took Rachel last week that we would probably see her again soon with Lauren. Sunday night Lauren had a fever of 102.2. I called Monday morning and that same morning, she started developing some sort of bumpy rash around the outside of her mouth. Her diagnosis at the doctor's office was a double ear infection and she prescribed her Augmentin, an antibiotic that she has taken a couple of times before.

Tuesday, I had a doctor's appointment and Lauren stayed with my aunt because she was so fussy and was up every 2-3 hours Monday night. Wednesday, her bumps on her mouth continuously got worse until the daycare called me and said that the rash had spread to her feet and hands. I had to go get her. At this time, it was 4:00...doctor's office was not going to be able to get her in so I just brought her to the ER to get checked out. Basically, they said that the rash in her mouth is completely unrelated to the rash on her hands and feet and now it had spread to her entire body. She apparently had an allergic reaction to the Augmentin and the rash in her mouth is something like the Coxsackie virus. They gave us a new antibiotic and something called a magic mouthwash...and can I just say...that stuff is MAGIC!!!! It is a compound mixture of Maalox, Benadryl and Lidocaine. She slept all night last night for the first time in two nights...it was bliss!!! The good news....she is feeling MUCH better today and she got to stay home with Daddy today.

I am hoping that she is completely well by Monday. Poor baby!!! Her ears hurt, her mouth hurt and she was covered in bumps from head to toe!! I felt so bad for her.

So, today, we visited with the ENT doctor to schedule an appointment for tubes. I should get a call tomorrow from the scheduler to see when that happens. It was the best thing we ever did for Rachel.

It's just been a busy but crazy week but....it's over for me!!!! Work-wise! Tomorrow we are taking a family day! We are going to ride the train in Ft Worth. Rachel is going to be so excited!

I hope to blog more regularly but I am done promising.....

Mommy

2010-05-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

I know I am a couple days late but in the midst of my crazy-ness and all that is going on in our lives, I do feel the need to stop and talk about Mother's Day and reflect on being a mommy and the calling that it is in my life.

I feel completely unworthy yet so incredibly and overwhelmingly blessed to be a mommy and not just a mommy but their mommy. I cannot think of a higher calling in the world than to be a mommy. My girls are everything to me. I love them with something so deep within myself that I cannot even begin to describe it. It's just something so unreal.

I read about people that have longed for children their whole lives. I have always wanted to be a mommy but I will tell you that it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be. I just always knew that God would have that in His plan for me. I don't think about that statement with arrogance...seriously, I realize that He could have chosen different for me but I guess I just knew that He wouldn't. BUT, I DO NOT take them for granted...not at all!!!!

Sunday at church was all about mothers and being a mom and what that means and the pastor dedicated a great deal of the service to moms. As he did that, I just wept. I do not deserve my children. I do not deserve them. I have so many friends and dear dear dear people in my life that have lost their babies and children and so so many that have never been able to conceive their own children. It just breaks my heart. I cannot tell you how deeply I feel for these people. I do not understand this. I will never understand. God is sovereign and that is all I can hold to this side of heaven.

Rachel and Lauren are my life. I often get so frustrated by them and they get on my nerves but I would not trade one single minute I have with them. When they are sick, I would do anything to make them better; when they are hurting, I wish it were me instead and I know that these feelings will only grow deeper and stronger the older they get. I look into their little innocent faces and I don't understand what they think but I always hope they know I love them. I don't know all the answers but I hope at the end of the day that they know their Mommy is there.

I love being a mommy. It's hard....the hardest but I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world!!!!!

Wonderful Weekend!!!

2010-05-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a long time since my last post and even though I have been crazy busy not much noteworthy stuff has really happened. Last weekend we spent some time as a family on Sunday evening but Brice pretty much worked all weekend. Lauren has been sick for two weeks with fever and a cough but is finally starting to feel better, I think. She still has the green nose. Anyway, things around here seem to be a little better.

I took off Friday which meant that I knew Thursday that I needed to get things done. I didn't realize at that time that I would be at the hospital until 9:00 pm!!!! It was an INSANE day!! It was crazy! BUT, Friday was so much fun! I took the girls to daycare and then got my car washed and detailed, picked up Heather and on to Canton we went!!! We shopped for a few hours, got something to eat and then headed to Tyler to the hotel for the SBTC Regional Women's Conference. It was great! It was refreashing and I enjoyed most of the sessions that I attended both Friday night and Saturday. I am excited about what God has in store for me and for the future of my church!

I want to be more intentional about blogging about God and for God and sharing about what He is doing in my life. I hope to do more of that and talk more about why I have so much to REJOICE about because I truly do!!! Here are two of them:

Whew!!!

2010-04-24T15:35:00.000-05:00

It is the weekend! I know I have said it a million times in the past couple of weeks but I just am running on empty! I have no time to blog...or do anything else for that matter! I will tell you...I have no pictures today...I honestly haven't taken any since the previous bluebonnet post.

Last Thursday and Friday the girls were throwing up....simultaneously....yes, that's correct...it was..HORRIBLE! Brice was gone until REALLY late both nights.

This past Thursday I received a phone call that Lauren had a fever of 102. Took her to CareNow....ear infection...now she has coughed so much she can barely talk....it's sad. She sounds awful. My friends have come to the rescue yet AGAIN and the girls stayed with my friend Rheta and her two girls on Friday (yesterday). They had a great time...not so sure about Rheta! ha!

Today...not doing much of anything but laundry. Got my hair cut this morning....have a horrible headache. Brice is working all day just like he did until wee hours of this morning...that's a whole nother issue that we won't talk about here....

ANYWAY, I'm stressed and we are okay. That's about it.....

Bluebonnets 2010

2010-04-16T21:27:00.001-05:00

We started a tradition when Rachel was born to take pictures with the bluebonnets when they are in bloom. It is the Texas state flower and they are beautiful. The problem is that they are only in bloom for about two weeks and they are wild flowers and only bloom on the side of the road where it is pretty dangerous to allow small children just wander and look at flowers...you know, the kind of scene that would make for great pictures! BUT, I found a field right by a parking lot by the Target by our home and it is perfect...far enough away from the interstate and convenient enough to park and get out and snap a few pics.

The weather has been GORGEOUS! On Monday night after dance class I wanted to take pictures with the bluebonnets but we don't get home until after 7:00 nd the sun goes down around 7:45....but we went and did the pictures anyway. Rachel was so excited! She could not wait to go and was so nervous that the sun was going to go down before we got there. Lauren was not as impressed but was cooperative which is more than I expected since she usually shuts down around 7:30....her bedtime. I think the pictures turned out okay even though I had to use the flash on most of them which I was trying to avoid....

Easter

2010-04-11T21:59:00.000-05:00

Easter Sunday was a little different because like I previously posted, Lauren had been sick for a week and on Saturday and Sunday, she had diarrhea, so Brice stayed home with her and Rachel and I went to church...just the two of us. It was an incredible service! There were 14 baptized!!!! It was an awesome way to display the resurrection of Christ - through baptism in HIM! That's Reason to Rejoice!!!

We then headed over to my Aunt Donna's (formerly my Granny's) for family fun Easter lunch and egg hunt. The girls had a good time. This was Lauren's 2nd Easter but she was not even a month old at Easter last year so this was really the first time she celebrated. Rachel had a blast...she is really starting to get excited about things and I love the joy in her eyes!!! Melts my heart! I will end with pictures....

This was Saturday night before bed. The Easter Bunny came!

Sorry!

2010-04-09T10:02:00.000-05:00

For the unexpected break in my blogging!! Lauren was sick all last week and I have been going pretty much non-stop since then.

Friday she had a bunch of tests run and she is finally feeling much better! She had been running fever off and on for about a week so the pediatrician decided to do blood work, urine test, flu swab, and a chest x-ray all which came back completely normal. On Sunday, her fever broke but Saturday she started having diarrhea which then went away on Monday. Today, she is happy and completely healthy again!!! WAHOO!!!!

We had a great Easter and I promise, this weekend I will sit down and post a few pictures of the girls in their outfits. That's about all I got...a few pictures...they were a little less than cooperative.

We are gearing up for Rachel's big dance recital in June. I have a ladies' retreat at the end of this month and I am so happy that spring is finally here and I can break out the capris and flip flops!!! YAY!!

Longer post with pictures coming soon!!!

Easter From Arkansas

2010-04-01T20:53:00.000-05:00

Brice's parents sent the girls some Easter goodies and they came in the mail yesterday. Both of the girls got adorable little outfits and a little toy each. Rachel got a book for her Tag Jr. and Lauren got some little stacking blocks. It was really sweet and the girls were excited to get something special in the mail and did I say how cute the outfits were??

This smile is hilarious to me!

This doesn't look like a girl who has a 103 fever does it???

The outfits

She is so silly!!!

Double ear infections won't keep her from smiling!!!

Thanks MamaNette and GP!

Disney On Ice

2010-03-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

Even though Brice no longer works for Ernst & Young we are still getting perks from them! He came to me a couple of weeks ago and told me that some of the people that he has been working with on his audit at work invited us to go to Disney on Ice. Not only for FREE but in their suite at American Airlines Center. It was so much fun! We took both of the girls. Rachel had a blast!!! It was RIDICULOUSLY cold...I mean like stupid cold in there but it was still a lot of fun.

This was the view from our suite without the zoom!

Rachel met a new friend. This is Brice's boss' little girl. Rachel had the best time with her!

Lauren was pretty much clueless but she still clapped and smiled!

Yes, I was as tired as I look in this picture! By the way, Lauren was already in the stroller...it was WAY past her bedtime!

This picture pretty much sums up our night!! She was so much fun to watch! She just loved it and it thrilled my heart!

SPRING!!!!

2010-03-27T15:48:00.001-05:00

Just a beautiful evening at home! This was last Tuesday. We got home from work/school and went out in the backyard. It was a gorgeous day and the sun was going down but before it got too chilly the girls got to swing a little. It was great. I caught some pictures....as promised. I hope that the weather stays pretty like this.

Aren't they just the cutest??!!!

She is standing more everyday but still not a "walker!"

Such is really growing up!

She loved the swing!!!

I LOVED this picture!!

It was just a great day for us as a family and I hope we have many more spring days like that one!!! =)

"Mommy, WOW!"

2010-03-26T15:38:00.002-05:00

(Piggy-backing on my previous post)....

"I'm a big kid now!"

I have absolutely NO time to post about this, but I HAVE TO!!!

Night #1 with panties instead of Pull-Up...

HUGE SUCCESS!!!! Absolutely dry!!!!

I told Rachel that if she went 5 days in a row with a dry Pull-Up that she could try panties one night and see what happens since she has been doing so well and we did last night.

She is just getting so big!!!! :`)

I have pictures to post from our beautiful spring day and from Disney on Ice but it will have to wait until tonight because I have to get going.....

I'm a Big Girl!

2010-03-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

Rachel tells me this several times a day. She NEVER lets me forget. Her latest thing is putting herself to bed. She has decided that she can put her pullup on, get in bed and does not want me to come to her room. She tells me not to come to her room because I might scare her. It's really funny! She also wants to give herself a bath...from head to toe...wash and rinse her own hair, wash herself, everything....she wants to give herself a bath. She is growing up right before my eyes. So big.

The next part of my post is about me. And about how "not so big" I have become! =) I started the biggest loser challenge with the NICU staff about 10 weeks ago and when I weighed in, I weighed (did you really think I was going to tell you), let's just say it was a lot...more than I should! Not nearly as much as I have in the past but it was far from where I wanted to be...about 10 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight. Anyway, 10 weeks later, I weighed in on Thursday and my total weight loss was 26 lbs exactly!!! I did not quite make my weight loss goal but I am definitely happy with where I am. I am smaller than I have been since before high school. I have gone down 2 pants sizes and I have been told I look like a different person. I have about 6 more lbs to go before I am ultimately where I want to be but I can be happy here. I am having a hard time with these last few pounds. I am still doing Weight Watchers through work so I am still hopeful that I can get to that ultimate goal but the last couple of weeks has been frustrating. Anyway, I could not be more proud of myself!!!

So, I'M NOT A BIG GIRL!!!! NOT ANYMORE!!!! =)

Where Are the Pictures?

2010-03-22T20:51:00.002-05:00

I never take pictures anymore! That's the truth! I took pictures at Lauren's birthday party but even then, I didn't take many. I just don't get the camera out much. I guess it's because when I am home I just want to spend the time taking everything in and not worrying about taking pictures. I know that sounds dumb...I should be wanting to capture those moments on the camera...maybe I should do a better job.

So....no pictures to share....except this one from the park the other day I took with my phone...

Under Construction!

2010-03-21T16:41:00.002-05:00

I am still in the recontructing stage of this blog. I got a netbook this past week so I can blog from more places so I have a little more flexibility and time to blog but I am not happy with the way it looks and will be doing more to make it look like I want it. I think I am happy with the background and in the coming days I will hopefully be changing the font, header, and sidebar, signature, pictures, etc....I am also hoping to blog more and bump up my traffic. I would love to be one of those people that have a ton of readers but just my 2 or 3 is fine too...somedays I feel like no one reads....o'well!!!

Happy reading!

Party Like....You're A Year Old!!

2010-03-19T22:08:00.008-05:00

So, I have received ridicule in the past from "friends" and some family members about the fact that I go "all out" for my kids' first birthdays. Something to the tune of...."they won't ever remember this" and "they don't know what's going on" and "they don't know who is there" and "who is this really about anyway?" Well, the simple truth is this...it is about them! There would not be a party if it weren't for them! I love my kids and I can completely agree with the fact that you do not have to throw a huge shindig of a party to let your kids know that they are loved but I enjoy celebrations and what better excuse to get together with a few friends and family than to celebrate the first year of your child's life??!!! Do they understand it? NO! But I will tell you that Rachel loves to look back at the pictures from her birthday party and talk about how she ate the cake and it was all over her face. She laughs about it. So......here are pictures from Lauren's first birthday party!

A precious friend of mine made this banner for me and I think she did a GREAT job!!!!

I had this canvas (the purple and teal thing in the middle) made HERE

The theme was cupcakes and the color scheme was purple, teal, and hot pink. The older siblings of the kids that were actually Lauren's age got to decorate their own cupcakes. The party was a lot of fun and I think that everyone had a good time. There wasn't too much mass chaos, I didn't think and it was a pretty day outside.

Instead of bringing gifts for Lauren we asked that people bring gifts for our church nursery. A lot of our friends have done things like that but have done things for the NICU where they stayed for a long time or to the Ronald McDonald House but my kids haven't done that so we just did something that was useful for us. We got lots of good gifts for Lauren to open and that we are able to take to the church. Don't worry...she got stuff too!!! =) We just do not need another toy in this house!!!!

This Man

2010-03-17T21:22:00.004-05:00

He was born this day 37 years ago. I got to call him my husband about 5 1/2 years ago. How did I get to be so blessed? Happy birthday to My Bricey!!!

This is one of my favorite pictures of the two of us even though it is kinda goofy! I could not find a recent picture of him by himself and this one of the two of us is not very recent...probably about 2 1/2 years old.
He is a wonderful husband and a great father. He loves God first and me and the girls next and he truly is an incredible man. He is my very best friend and I will go to him anyday about anything before anyone else. No, we don't always agree on everything but he will always be in my corner when I need him to be. When I see him with our girls it melts my heart. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I love you, Bricey!

12 months

2010-03-17T21:01:00.005-05:00

Yes! Lauren did turn a year old!! I just took forever to blog about it! SORRY!!! Here are some pictures from her birthday photo shoot! I will also tell you about this past Monday when we actually celebrated her birthday.

It was a mess!!!

She had her 1 year checkup this past Monday so Brice and I took off and we all 4 spent the day together. We had a good time! We took Lauren to the doctor first and then headed to a local outlet mall for shopping and a late lunch at Rainforest Cafe. The girls are ready for spring and I now have enough clothes to wear now that fit!!!! (I will post about this in another post...I feel it is worthy of it's own!)

Lauren weighed 24 lbs, 12 oz and was 30 1/2 inches long!!! The doctor said she is proportionate!!! =) She is 90th percentile for both height and length and 75th for head circumference. My kids (both of them) have always been 75th percentile for head since birth...never changed. Strange. Anyway, she is healthy but not too big...I as well as the doctor am pleased! She has 6 teeth and is cutting 3 molars all at once and it is FOR THE BIRDS!!! She will point to her mouth and say "owww." She says: mommy, daddy, doggie, this, that, oh, nose, balloon, bubble, eye, nite nite, ball, poop, milk, diaper, today she said toe but it was after I said it so she repeats things well. I can't think of anything else at the moment. She is completely off the bottle and using sippy cup and has been taking milk since about a week before she turned a year old (I ran out of formula and I was not buying another can for a week!) We will take the paci away at 16 months just like we did with Rachel. She adores her daddy more and more and she is just precious!!! =) OH, she still isn't walking but she is standing alone and takes a few steps at a time. She will cruise around things and walks with push toys but doesn't want to walk! She will also stand from a sitting position (like not by pulling up which is usually a skill they will master AFTER walking) but....she will walk when she is ready and apparently she isn't yet.....

She's a mess!!! But, I love her!!!

I will blog about her party in another post!

Happy Birthday!

2010-03-11T22:51:00.002-06:00

Dear Sweet Baby Girl,

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! I loved you from the very thought of having another baby. I knew the joys of being a mother but I was not prepared for how full my heart could be when I became the mother of two beautiful little girls!!!

When I saw your heartbeat for the first time, I was in love. I enjoyed my pregnancy and I knew that you were a girl from the beginning! I just knew. I grew fast! I started showing quicker with you than your sister and I was proud of that baby belly...of YOU!

When I found out that I was going to have to stay in the hospital when I was 34 weeks pregnant I would talk to you everyday. I talked to you and we had private conversations about what life would be like, do you remember? ;) You always moved and kicked like you were listening! Maybe that was just because in your 9+ lb body, you were ready to come out of there!!! I didn't want to share you. I am just being honest. I wanted you all to myself. I knew I would miss you and the times we shared together...just the two of us. But, you were too special to keep to myself...and too big! =)

March 12, 2009...that was the day!! You came into the world at 3:28 PM after a long hard day of induction. You were big....9 lbs, 9 oz big! You were a little on the purple side at first and didn't cry while I held you...but then after a minute or two, you were crying strong!! I got to keep you in my room!!!! You were beautiful! I cried!

Baby girl you are such a blessing to me. This year has been filled with so many challenges....breastfeeding has been one of them but I would not change it for anything. It was one of the most incredible things that I have ever done and made you big and strong and healthy! You and I got to be good feeding buddies! =) You are a Mommy's girl and I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! You cry for me and say my name over and over and tug at my leg while I am washing dishes and it melts my heart. I cannot stand to hear you cry for me. I scoop you up everytime no matter what I am doing!

You are precious! You have my heart. I will always do what I can to protect you. You and your sister are everything to me and I will not always be the perfect Mommy to you but I will always try to do what is right for you. I love you with my whole heart and hope that you never have to question that.

Happy Birthday my Little Lauren!!! I love you!
Love, Mommy

A Year Ago....

2010-03-08T20:18:00.002-06:00

This was me....

How incredibly miserable do I look???

WELL, that's okay, BECAUSE I WAS!!!!! That was the last picture that I took of myself (or that was taken of me) prior to the day that Lauren was born. I was ready. She was ready. I was 37 weeks, 2 days pregnant and she was over 9 lbs!!! What a difference a year makes!! =)

Remodeling

2010-03-06T22:42:00.003-06:00

I have done some remodeling to the blog look and I am not exactly thrilled with the look so you may see some more changes! I am trying to get some cool fonts on here but it looks like it might be a long process. This type of stuff is stress relieving for me except for the fact that I don't have a lot of time to do it and when it doesn't work right, that's stressful and kinda defeats the purpose....so....not so much!

Anyway, stay tuned for more updates!

A Lot

2010-03-04T20:57:00.002-06:00

has happened since my last post but I really don't have a lot of time right now to blog about it nor do I really remember it all...

Work is sucking the life out of me. I do know that.

Here is another of Lauren's 1st birthday pictures....let's end on a positive note!
She took her first step yesterday too!!! =) More to come this weekend when I can breathe and not feel guilty about it!

Today

2010-02-27T21:44:00.003-06:00

February 27, 2009
That was the day that I went to my doctor's appointment and did not go home. I went to the hospital and stayed...for 14 long days and nights...with lousy hospital food...no outside world...UNTIL...

My friend and coworker BLD came to the rescue!!!! Bless her heart!! She was wonderful to me! She brought me Dr. Peppers and EXTRA lunches from the cafeteria when this pregnant girl (who was pregnant with 9+ lbs of baby...who cares if I didn't know how big she was...I KNEW HOW HUNGRY I WAS!!), and when I was allowed my 15 minutes a day once a day outings in my wheelchair...who wheeled me out....YEP, you guessed it....BLD herself! She even left me to be stung by bees one day!!! That's a whole nother post for another day!! Anyway, she deserves the "best friend/co-worker award" because she was so good to me while I was laid up in the hospital this day and so many more a year ago. I will never forget those days. How I longed to see my baby's face but knew that I would soon miss the days of her being tucked away inside.....

BUT....today...February, 27, 2010....what did we do??? Took pictures to celebrate that little girl's life!!!! Here's a sneak peek...more to come later!!!!

His Ways

2010-02-25T21:21:00.003-06:00

I feel compelled tonight to write about a precious blogger friend that I have been reading about, "talking" to, and praying about for a long time now. Many of you that read my blog may read Katie's blog too. She has a precious little boy named Zach and a few short months ago had a beautiful baby girl named Reese who only lived a short time and is now in Heaven with Jesus. I started reading Katie's blog while she was pregnant with Reese and her loss just hit me like a ton of bricks because Katie is just precious. PRECIOUS! I just cannot say it enough. It is a small world because she actually is from the same area that my husband and I are from and her brother went to school with my husband as they are a little closer to the same age.

I have communicated with Katie through email and regular mail and have sent her a few things. I did a name for Reese's name gallery and I never saw it on Katie's page (I probably just missed it) but it was Reese's name embroidered on Minnie ears in front of Cinderella's castle when we took our family trip to Disney World in October. Her story just touches my heart so. I think what touches me the most is how incredibly real she is when she blogs about her feelings. It helps others in their struggles to know what she is going through. I work with women (and men) everyday who are going through the same thing and they need to know that there are other people that know how they feel. ONLY those that have gone through that can know that pain, hurt, emptiness, joy, love, frustrations, and every other emotion that comes with it.

Katie and her husband Jason found out this week that their 3rd baby (she is currently pregnant) is another boy!!! They are overjoyed! I read her blog with tears in my eyes. I loved how she put it..."GOD is filling in the broken places of my heart with His love and grace. I am certain He will use this next little baby to comfort us and give us joy in the perfect way Jason and I need." She later, in her blog, thanked Him for knowing just what they needed.

His ways are not our ways and His plans are not ours. Isn't it amazing how we can be such planners and thinkers and doers and then find out at the end of the day that nothing we planned to do happened the way we wanted but that we got through the day okay anyway?? That happens to me almost everyday. That might be because I am a very "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of a person. I try to plan but it doesn't normally work out very well. I am thankful... SO VERY THANKFUL that God's ways are not mine. My life would be so screwed up it isn't even funny!!! There are so many times when I have thought that I had it all figured out when God had to yank me in another direction.

I can't imagine the pain of losing a child 6 months ago and now experiencing the joy of a new life and all of the emotions that entails but God does. He is the giver and sustainer of life. I am thankful that He is a merciful God that knows what He is doing and offers hope and peace and comfort for those that need it when they need it.

That.
is.
Reason to Rejoice!!!!

Birthday Plans

2010-02-24T22:28:00.002-06:00

I am so excited about Lauren's birthday!!!

I think that plans are finally starting to come together. I have FINALLY created the invitation and it is being printed and will hopefully be here soon so I can mail them out. I did put a Facebook invite out so that people actually will get invited and know there is a party to come to! I have made a food list (for my husband to start thinking about)! I have a decorations list that is actually already almost complete. I am excited about this part because I have a very talented friend from church that made a birthday banner from scrapbook paper (I kinda stole *clears throat* borrowed an idea from Kelly). She did a great one for Harper's birthday and my friend Leah created one for Lauren's birthday and gave it to me tonight and it is ADORABLE!!!! I LOVE IT and I am so excited to use it!! I also ordered a hand painted canvas from a girl that painted one for Harper (I read Kelly's blog everyday). The one I ordered for Lauren is just in the colors of her birthday and it is her monogram. She emailed me a preview and it is precious!!! I can't wait to see it!

The theme for Lauren's party is cupcakes and the colors are purple, hot pink and teal. I have a TON of cupcakes and decorations and it is going to be so much fun!!!! More info to come!!!!

I am doing something different for gifts and I want to share but it is past my bedtime and I have a SUPER LONG day tomorrow so I better get to bed...after I move the clothes from the washer to the dryer.....

Nite nite...as My Lauren would say!!! =)

What Was I Doing....?

2010-02-20T21:20:00.002-06:00

So, I would like to go back to the...."What Was I Doing A Year Ago From Today Game" again....please...just go with me...it will be over soon. If you are tired of it...don't read....

I have to back up a few days and recap because I missed a few important days....

2009
Feb. 15th - FABULOUS baby shower at church
Feb. 16th - Dr. appointment...unscheduled...swelling, headache BP 149/99 - trip to L&D triage - blood work - normal - home - complete bed rest until baby comes. Another dr. appt scheduled for Wednesday (2 days from now with sono)
Feb. 18th - Dr. appointment with sono - BP BAD (can't remember)!!! - amniotic fluid was low. Back to hospital for overnight stay. Blood work was fine again. BP was GREAT while I was at the hospital. Baby measured 3 weeks ahead and at 34 weeks, 5 days was estimated to weigh 7 lbs, 4 oz and 20 inches!!!!
Feb. 19th - discharged home still on bedrest to follow up on Monday (this was Thursday) with dr. and another sono

So....today is February 20th and in order to not bore you with daily posts about what happens from here until the day that Lauren was born, I will just tell you that the Monday appointment went great but the following Friday appointment (February 27th) was BAD!!!! I was readmitted to the hospital on that day with HORRIBLE puffiness and they took two blood pressures in the office that day - the first was 149/114 and the second was 179/98!!! I did not go home from the hospital until Lauren was born!!! I will be posting pictures from now until March 12th of when I was in the hospital. I want to remember that time. I want Lauren to be able to read this someday and remember. I want Rachel to be able to read this and remember how much I missed her and hated being away from her and would cry when I talked to her on the phone. I couldn't talk to her everyday like I wanted because everytime I talked to her my blood pressure would be really bad because I missed her so much!! It was pitiful! That's why I am doing this.

My Ministry

2010-02-19T19:07:00.002-06:00

It's sort of ironic that I just posted about this yesterday but today at Kelly's Korner she is posting about different ministries. My post is going to be a little different because mine is my actual "day job" so to speak. What I mean is that I get paid to do my ministry. I really feel called to do my occupation. As I stated yesterday, some of what I do everyday is mundane and boring but the bulk of my job is working with women who have delivered babies or infants in the neonatal intensive care unit.

I am the social worker for women's services at a local hospital. Like I said yesterday I work with many different types of people but a lot of what I do deals with death and helping women and families cope with the loss of infants - miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death. I have lost a baby and I am not going to discuss that right now but I have. I know how it feels. It is painful. End of discussion.

I also help parents when they receive news that is hard to handle from the neonatologist in the NICU. I help put the medical language into human terms and talk about next steps. I see all of the infants that are admitted to the NICU and support the parents the entire time the infant is there and sometimes that is a long time....months.

I see all mothers that deliver babies at the hospital under the age of 18. I screen these moms to make sure that they have good support systems because they are children having children. I make sure they have supplies for the baby...especially car seats. I make sure there aren't any concerns about her ability to care for the infant. I see a lot of teenage mothers.....A LOT!

I work all of the adoption cases in our hospital. I do not arrange them but if a mom comes in and wants to place her baby for adoption, I have to make sure that there are arrangements either already in place or assist her with getting them in place. This is EXTREMELY time consuming and can be very emotional sometimes. Most of the time is has a happy ending but the process can be hard.

I also have to make CPS reports. I will not go into a great deal of detail here. Let's just say, it is not pleasant. People do not make wise decisions sometimes. I know that is shocking to EVERYONE reading this but...it's true!!!

So....like I said, I know that I posted about this two days in a row...even after I made a point to say that I don't normally post about work on here and I probably won't again for a long time but I forgot that Kelly was doing this today or I would have saved it until today. This is my ministry...also known as my occupation....I help women. Women and children. I am a social worker.

What Do I Do?

2010-02-18T20:45:00.004-06:00

I frequently get asked the question, "So, you are a social worker at a hospital? So, what do you do?" I try not to talk much about work on here for several reasons. Sure, I could give you my job description as it would be handed to you if you were to apply for a position as a social worker at my place of employment but is that really 'what I do??' I don't think that it would cover a 1/4 of what I actually do. I'm not trying to 'toot my own horn' but seriously, it would take more than those couple of pieces of paper. I can give you a short synopsis of the last couple of weeks.....WARNING....some of this may not be pleasant....

Talked to about a million (okay, probably not quite that many but it kinda felt like it) patients about discharge plans - home health, inpatient rehabs, nursing homes, etc....(what I consider the easy part of my job). Talked to just about as many (if not more) about why the county hospital in our area is FABULOUS (another way of saying you don't have insurance, thanks for visiting). Here is where my job gets a little more challenging but where my heart is....Sat with 14, 15, 16, and 17 year olds who just delivered babies and talked with them about the importance of bonding and nurturing and birth control. Talked with them about how having babies is fun and they are cute and cuddly but they are hard and unpleasant and they make you angry, and frustrated. Visited with mothers and fathers who just lost infants at 18, 22, 24, and 26 weeks gestation who want answers that I or anyone else can't give them. Sat with a young couple as I went over funeral home information as they chose a funeral home for their 22 week gestation twin that was just born died as their other 22 week gestation twin fights for her life in the NICU. Stood with a lovely couple in their mid thirties who had the neonatologist tell them that their 25 week gestation baby that is now 4 days old in the NICU has a grade 3 brain bleed and process with them what that means and try to hold myself together as the dad sobs. Talked with a mom who was forced to deliver a baby at 28 weeks gestation due to her health and felt guilty because she caused her baby to be unhealthy.

I know that this all sounds completely and utterly depressing to most of you reading this but this.is.what.I.do.
and
I love it!
Ya'll this is more than just my job. This is a calling and a ministry. I have seen and heard so many positive things come out of this that you cannot imagine. I have a heart for these women (and men). I don't understand why I am drawn to these people but I am and for this time, I am going to keep doing this as God has allowed me to.

There are other things I do that I don't love like making CPS reports and having babies taken from their mothers but I also assist with adoptions and that's always neat to see a baby go home with a loving adoptive family....although they are a pain sometimes!!! =)

I just love this new job and I could not be happier in the role that I am in. God is good. I miss my friends and being home during the day with my kiddos but I know that I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to be doing!!!

PS...In case you are wondering, I am the social worker for the following units: labor & delivery, post partum, obstetric/gynecologic surgical, neonatal intensive care, and orthopedic/neuro surgical units.

So....thats.....what I do!!!

11 Months

2010-02-17T08:00:00.001-06:00

LAUREN ELIZABETH HESTER!!!!!!
YOU ARE ELEVEN MONTHS OLD!!!!
WOW!!!

In one short month, you will be 1. That's nutso! I cannot believe it has almost been a year. I have really been gearing up for this one. I have been thinking about what I was doing a year ago from today. It was almost a year ago that I started my weekly trips to the hospital only to stay there not too long from now. February was an exciting month for us! We thought you would be born in February! Thankfully, you weren't....Mommy stabilized and you were born right.on.time...a little early but big and healthy!

Let's see....you are probably right at 22 pounds and probably 30+ inches long if I had to guess. You just went to size 4 diapers which are quite big on you but the size 3s were getting tight on those thighs! =) You are almost completely finished with the bottle...only taking a night bottle. You take 2 sippy cups with formula - one in the middle of the day and one in the morning and then the bottle at night...all 5 ounces but you are finicky! You have started throwing the cups back at me and only want them sometimes. The doctor says she wants you to have between 20-24 oz of formula and you are taking between 13-15 oz....what am I going to do with you???!!! You aren't starving by any means!!! You eat solid foods really well!!! You love macaroni and cheese, turkey and cheese, and crackers. You enjoy water. You say Mommy, Daddy, doggie, night night, ball, that, and other things repeatedly that I am not sure what they are! You do the sign for more, all done, and you let me know when you are sleepy. You are crawling EVERYWHERE and pulling up like a pro. You could stand by yourself if you wanted...but you don't. I don't think you will be walking as soon as your sister did but I am okay with that. You aren't your sister...YOU ARE YOU AND I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!!

SNOW!!!!!

2010-02-16T19:00:00.000-06:00

We got A FOOT of snow this past Thursday!!!! It was crazy!! I headed out to work on Thursday morning and it had already started snowing. It snowed all the way to work and did not stop until midnight that next night. All day long at work we watched it snow. Many people went home early but I actually stayed late because there was talk that the temperature would drop below freezing Thursday night/Friday morning and the roads would be bad the next morning. I wanted to get everything wrapped up in case I wasn't able to make it to work Friday morning. Good thing because I wasn't. When I got home around 7:30 on Thursday evening I wasn't even able to pull into my driveway...there was too much snow. On Friday, we all stayed home. Brice did some work from home and honestly, it was the best day I have had in a long time. It was nice to not have to go to the grocery store or do anything but I got so much accomplished around the house. I got dishes done, clothes washed and things done that I would normally do on a Saturday. We even went outside and played in the snow. Lauren wasn't too excited about it but Rachel loved it! She has never built a snowman before!!! The snow was deeper than the dog was tall so it was funny to see her try to walk in it!

Many people lost power and had a rough few days and I am so grateful that we only lost power for about 10 minutes Thursday evening. So INCREDIBLY grateful!!!! I cannot say that enough. I remember a horrible ice storm we had back in I think 99 or 2000 and we were without power for a week I think. I can't imagine that with two small children.

It was a fun weekend. I had the privilege of singing solos the past two Sundays at church. I enjoy it so very much and am so blessed to have a music minister who allows me to use the talent that God has given me. It certainly isn't perfect but the message is the important part!

Rachel....

2010-02-15T22:50:00.002-06:00

Some stuff about Rachel....

She has been taking dance since I think October, maybe??? She started out at one place and then they closed so she had to go to another place which we like SO. MUCH. BETTER. God is good, isn't He!!?? Anyway, we go every Monday night at 5:30. It has been a little more difficult trying to get there after work but I have arranged my work schedule so that I go to work early on Monday so that I get leave early to get her there on time...sometimes we get there on time...sometimes we don't! She has a recital in June. They will be doing a dance to the song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse "Hot Dog." They posted pictures of what her costume will look like this past week. It was also observation week so the parents could watch for the last 15 minutes. I took some pictures. Here are those pictures.

A Funny...

Yesterday morning Rachel was laying with Brice and we were all still in our pajamas. She pulled down the top of his t-shirt and this is how the conversation went:
Rachel: Daddy, why did you do that?
Brice: What?
Rachel: Why did you put hair on your tummy? (actually his chest)
Brice: (laughing) I didn't do it. That's just the way it is.
Rachel: Oh. Well, who did it?
Me: God did it.
Rachel: OOOOHHHHH!

She just cracks me up!!!!

You May Wonder....

2010-02-14T19:05:00.004-06:00

Why I have been so nostalgic lately...with posting all of the pics from a year ago. The pregnancy pics, the ultrasound pics, etc....well, I just remember when I was pregnant with Rachel I was MISERABLE!!! Everything about being pregnant with her was hard. The beginning was hard because I was SO incredibly nervous. I frankly couldn't believe that I was pregnant. I could not believe that God would bless me and give me such a gift. I was not worthy of a baby and I knew that something had to be wrong with the baby all of the time! If you are thinking that I need Beth Moore's new book, 1. you are absolutely right and 2. I have gotten a little better about that since then!!!!

After I had gotten over thinking there was always something wrong with the baby and could actually start feeling her move, I wanted her to move all of the time. If she didn't move, I wasn't happy. I mean, something was wrong!!! I know, it wore me out too....my poor husband. Then, I got past that stage and I was HUGE!!! I mean, miserably large!!! I gained about 75 pounds with Rachel and I developed pre-eclampsia, got put on bed rest early on and then hospital bed rest, had a hard delivery and needless to say, was ready for that baby to come out. I was happy when she was born and then my problems (health problems) got worse. I was sick, very sick afterwards...I have told the story many times and I won't bore you with it again. My point is that after all that was over I missed being pregnant. Even though the entire pregnancy I was miserable and I did not enjoy it at all I missed it. I missed the movement inside that I did not have to share with anyone, I missed the talks that I would have with Rachel during the day when no one else was around, I missed being pregnant. I remember telling Brice that when Rachel was about 9 months old and I thought he was going to faint! He said, "I cannot believe you just said that." I swore off more children entirely for a very long time. It wasn't until Rachel was about a year old that I actually said that I would have more children and then eight more months before we decided to actually try for another.

With Lauren, it was different, from the very beginning. I wasn't as crazy when I found out I was pregnant. I knew that God had a plan. Could something have gone wrong with the pregnancy? Absolutely but it was something that we would have dealt with if that is what He had chosen for us. I enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy. There were moments when I got a little scared and I even sneaked in a couple of extra sonos at the hospital but those moments went away quickly...it was just different. I cherished the moments of that growing baby inside. I had several friends that had experienced loss of children both inside and outside of the womb and the pregnancy just meant so much to me. When I started feeling Lauren (who was nameless at the time) move inside me (very early on in the pregnancy) it was like it was for the first time - like I had never been pregnant before. As the months went by I looked forward to every doctor's appointment and I remember having mixed emotions about wanting the pregnancy to end and wanting to hold my baby in my arms. I wanted so desperately to meet my new little girl but I wanted to hold on to the pregnancy as long as I could. I felt good (until about week 34) and I truly enjoyed being pregnant...from the beginning. When I was in the hospital waiting for the day that I was to meet my baby, I would just sit and listen to her heartbeat on the fetal monitor while she moved inside....it was me and her. That's all. It was precious. Priceless. I knew that I would miss it and I did. I do. I love being pregnant.

Do I want another baby? The answer is. Yes. I do. We do. I often get the question...How many children do you want to have? We don't have a definite answer to that question. I am a planner but in the category of children, I just can't plan it out. I don't know. Brice and I have had numerous conversations about children and how many to have. Three? Is four too many? Well, I know I don't want 15!! Right now we are happy with the two sweet babies we have. They are precious little girls and there aren't anymore on the way just yet. Besides, my pregnancies are so "iffy" I have to take them one at a time!!!!

Just Wanted....

2010-02-07T07:00:00.001-06:00

To show you a picture from exactly 1 year ago today...

It wasn't too long after this that I was bound to the bed and then to the hospital bed...stay tuned for the long awaited birth story and then Lauren's birthday posts.

Excuses...

2010-02-05T20:13:00.002-06:00

...for why I haven't blogged lately....

there are a ton but the main one is that I don't have a lot time and I don't have the time to blog about how I don't have the time to blog.....

That was a little confusing!!!

Let's see....

I can't even remember what I last blogged about....Lauren is better, I think. She had a little breathing scare but is better. Rachel was up all night one night which meant...so was I. I have had two migraines in the past week...both from lack of sleep, I am sure of it. The sun has not been out in...I can't even remember when. I have been grouchy and I have been
so.
incredibly.
busy.
at.
work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided that there should be some kind of law against having sex before a certain age. SERIOUSLY!! This week has been the week of pregnant teenagers. In all seriousness, it is frightening...I have two girls at home, remember! One of the OB/GYNs that I work with said the other day, "When my girls even get a hint of a period, I am going to give them gummy birth control." That's how crazy it is. I just pray so hard that my girls do right and that Brice and I instill in them the values that are so important. God help us!

I enjoy my job but the past two weeks have been draining emotionally with both work-related stuff and drama related to other things. But, it's Friday, payday and I won $100!!!! Let's talk about that last thing for a second!!!!!!

I won $100!!!!! I didn't play the lottery. I lost weight! How much? Glad you asked!!!!

I have lost 14 pounds in 4 weeks!!!!! I am back to pre-pregnancy weight and then some and my goal was before Lauren was 1 year old and she isn't even 11 months old yet. I still want to lose about 20 more pounds. So, how did I win $100? Okay....so....I have joined a group of girls at the hospital for the Biggest Loser. The NICU nurses have a group of 20 that all paid $25 to join and at the end of 10 weeks, whoever loses the most percentage of weight wins the money. Well, we weigh in every 2 weeks and there is a prize for each 2 week increment. I won this 2 weeks!!!! YIPPEE!! I really am proud of my progress and I can't wait to lose more, weight less and win more!!!! I think I will save it up and then go shopping when I reach my goal! If I go down just 2 sizes, I will be smaller than I was in high school!!!! I can't remember what I weighed in high school but I can remember what size I wore. Anyway, I am proud. I still weigh a lot but, if I can say so, I carry my weight pretty well.

January 22, 2009

2010-01-24T19:06:00.003-06:00

This was just over a year ago.....

I was just over 30 weeks pregnant and my little girl was already big and developed and just getting bigger. I can't wait to tell you all about the weeks leading up to her birth and then about her birth day. She is just a joy in my life and my 2nd born baby. I love her so much. I never knew that I could love anyone as much as I love Rachel but I can and I do.

"Just Keep Driving," Pisghetti, and Movie Review

2010-01-23T20:51:00.005-06:00

I have been without a computer at home for a few days...I got that virus that is called Antivirus Live that pops up and keeps telling you that you have a virus and that it is scanning your computer, yeah, TOTAL hoax. Soooo.....$179.00 later, my computer is running GREAT!!!! It needed some fine tuning anyway!

So, Rachel funny...
Yesterday on the way to work she says, "Mommy, listen....
1,2,3.......20."
Me: "OH, GREAT! You just counted to 20 but you missed a few. Here let Mommy help you. 1, 2, ......it's 13, 14, 15, 16, 17...."
Rachel: "Um, Mommy, why don't you just keep driving."
I didn't say anything..just turned around, recognized the fact that she is my child and totally just said something that I would say and....kept driving.

Rachel wanted pisghetti today for lunch. So after having TOTAL "me" time this morning and getting my hair cut and colored, I went to Super Target and got, well, mostly the entire store or though it seemed....but in that, stuff to make spaghetti. I don't really care for spaghetti nor is it on my diet really but, I thought it would also be fun to see if Lauren likes spaghetti. She is 10 months old....well, this is the result....

Movie Review

I can CERTAINLY recognize the fact that I am WAY behind with this movie. We use Netflix and we get movies but we NEVER watch them for like MONTHS at a time. But I had a convo with a friend just yesterday about how I needed to watch this movie so the husband and I did today while the kids were taking a nap and to my surprise, I thought this movie was really cute! It was light hearted and fun. It was one that I will likely watch again! It was cute. Now...we can get another movie..yay!!

How Cute Is This??!

2010-01-16T13:29:00.004-06:00

Why, yes, I am aware of the fact that I am a little biased!! Thanks for pointing that out!! =)

So, someone told me I should enter Lauren in the Regis and Kelly beautiful baby contest....I am sure she was just saying that to be nice but maybe I will...not because I have to prove to the world that she is, in fact, beautiful, but just for fun....which one of these should I use??? Tell me quick, I don't have much time!!!

SICK

2010-01-14T09:47:00.000-06:00

SO....Thursday I picked the kids up from "school" otherwise known as daycare and Lauren had been throwing up and Rachel had yellow/green discharge from her eye. Yes, it was gross. On the way home they were silent...you know they were not feeling well. I had already decided that I was taking Rachel to Care Now for eye drops and to make sure it wasn't her ear because of the situation we had with Lauren while we were in Little Rock. Well, when we were almost home, I hear this wretching sound from the backseat and turned on the cargo light to see Lauren throwing up everywhere!! If you have never heard a baby throw up...NOT FUN! Anyway, I went in to work early on Friday, Brice stayed until 8:00, my aunt came and then I came home at 1:00. When Brice got home from work, I went back to work to finish some documentation. I did take Lauren to the doctor that afternoon and she has a double ear infection STILL so she is on ANOTHER antibiotic. She had only been off the Omnicef for 2 days and now she is on Augmentin...the HORRIBLE antibiotic that causes HORRIFIC diaper rashes and diarrhea....yep, we have that! So, our weekend was spent at home...doing nothing...until Sunday when I started feeling bad and then I was in bed all day and Daddy took care of the kids. Monday, worse!!! NO WORK FOR ME! I took the girls to daycare and I came back home and slept...from 9:00 until 3:00. It was glorious! Well, not really but I apparently needed the sleep.

BUT....

WE ARE ALL BETTER NOW!!!!

YIPPEE!!!!

Work has been super crazy!! Lauren is now 10 months old! Isn't that nuts! She will be a year old in 2 months. Seems like just yesterday I had the little rugrat! I just love that little monkey! She is crawling EVERYWHERE and FAST! She is trying to pull up too and walking won't be far behind. Growing too fast. She weighed 21 lbs, 10 oz at the doctor the other day. I think she is behind what Rachel was at that age. She is slimming up.....

Nothing much exciting and not really enough time to talk about it if there was anything happening. I will try to post pictures this weekend!

Tata for now!

No Time...Never Enough Time!

2010-01-09T09:21:00.001-06:00

No time to post....kids are both sick, I am busy at work. It's the weekend...maybe I'll post later after I get house stuff done......

*sighs*

Spiritual, eh?

2010-01-03T14:20:00.002-06:00

Rachel apparently told her teacher this morning at church the story of Jesus. While in the car on the way home, I asked her to tell me the story that she told Ms. Leah.

Me: Rachel did you tell Ms. Leah a story today?
R: Yes!
Me: What was it about?
R: JESUS!! (your typical Sunday school answer)
Me: Well, tell me.
R: Once upon a time there was a boy named Joseph. Then Mary came. They all went to the animals - sheep, donkeys, cows, and a camel. Then Jesus was here. THE END!
Me: =)

I have to tell you the first time she told about the animals and then said, "The end!" Brice and I both said, "What about baby Jesus???" She just now told me about Jesus. She is sitting in my lap while I write this! =) She's so funny! Love her much!

Reflections

2010-01-01T20:40:00.002-06:00

2009.
Two thousand nine.
Two double zero nine.

However you want to say it, it is over! Done with and buh bye! The past year for me has been full of...well...full of LIFE! That seems to be the theme of my 2009. Let's recap my 2009...

I brought the new year in by going to bed super early because I was super pregnant and super large! Lost Granny at the end of January...hardest loss to date. Had an AWESOME baby shower in February and the following day went to the hospital...high blood pressure. I was hospitalized two more times in the month of February and ultimately stayed on February 27th. Stayed in the hospital for a total of 14 days...long days...and on March 12th, delivered a FAT, healthy, beautiful baby girl. Lauren Elizabeth was born weighing 9 lbs, 9 oz!!! My best friend gave birth to her sweet baby girl in May, Melody Elise. Summer was fun...uneventful. August we celebrated 5 years of marriage and another friend had a baby boy. November was a big month...Rachel turned 3 on the 14th and two days later, my other best friend had a gorgeous baby boy, Grayson Joel! We spent Thanksgiving as a family of four and Brice's Granny went to be with Jesus the next day. I accepted a full time job at the hospital where I have been PRN for 2 years. I started that job on December 7th. I am now the social worker for women's services and ortho/neuro surgical floor. I turned 29!!! Made our annual trip to Arkansas for Christmas and then 2009 came to a close. It was a great year and I know that 2010 will be also. I look forward to the blessings that God has in store.

More to come about what I resolve to do in the coming year...

Christmas Catch-Up!

2009-12-31T21:20:00.012-06:00

It is time for me to play Christmas catch-up. We have been out of town and I have been busy with the kiddos. This year has been so much fun and I will try to tell you all about it without making this post too terribly long.

CHRISTMAS EVE!
We had a white Christmas Eve and it stayed for Christmas morning. To my knowledge (or recollection, anyway) this was my first white Christmas. I think it's crazy that I live in Texas and we have had more snow this year than Arkansas has! Here is our house on Christmas Eve right before we left to go to my aunt's to celebrate.
We normally spend Christmas Eve at my Granny's but this was our first Christmas without her. It was very different and I had a hard time processing how different it would be. It made me very sad. We still spent Christmas Eve at that house but it wasn't Granny's...my Aunt Donna lives there now. The roads were bad so we left kind of early to go home and get the kids in bed and play Santa. Here are a few pictures from my aunt's....
Here are the pictures of the girls getting ready for Santa....
SANTA CAME!!!!
This year was so much fun because Rachel really enjoyed all of the "hype" of Christmas. She was excited and I loved seeing it. It was also Lauren's 1st Christmas so that was fun. She has started crawling all over the place so she was into EVERYTHING!!!!

Rachel's big gift was a dollhouse that she asked Santa for. Lauren got a little Fisher Price (I think that's the brand) kitchen that Brice's parents got her. Rachel got a lot more stuff and Lauren got a few things.

Rachel's stuff...

Lauren's pile

We spent Christmas day at home as a family of four and it was great!! I enjoyed watching the kids play and for all of you that didn't know....I GOT A WII FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Why, yes, I am excited!!! I love it!! I will start Wii Fit next week. Can't wait!

I had to work for part of the day the day after Christmas and then we left for our Arkansas adventure. We stopped in Hope overnight and then went on to Little Rock, back to Hope and then home. I don't have the pictures downloaded from the trip yet but I did have an adventure with Lauren and having to take her to the doctor...something that is definitely blog-worthy....but not now.

We had a great Christmas and the new year is approaching very quickly. I will be doing a New Year's post soon which will reflect on the past year and discuss plans for the new year. I am looking forward to it!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T14:32:00.002-06:00

And...in case you want to know...I made this myself!!! I did another for a friend this year too and it is adorable. I won't post it here but it is one of my favorites I have ever done.

Lauren is 9 months old!!! ~ a week ago!

2009-12-19T09:36:00.007-06:00

What's this girl up to?

Let's see....she weighed 20 lbs, 14 oz and was 19 inches long!!! What I am so excited about is that she is out of the 100th percentile for weight!!!! She was only 80th! YIPPEE!!!! The doctor, of course, said see was perfect. She tries to crawl but doesn't succeed really which is a shock to me since Rachel was already crawling by now. That certainly does not mean that she doesn't get where she wants to go! She rolls EVERYWHERE!!!
She gets up on all fours and rocks, goes backwards and even goes a few "steps" and then falls on her face. She could do it if she wanted but I think she just chooses not to! She can get from a lying to a sitting position without help. She is pulling up some...not very much to her knees. She isn't crazy about standing but she can. She has 5 teeth...just noticed another one last night! She is doing well at daycare and takes really short naps but is getting better at that. She is COMPLETELY weened from the breast now. Yes, that does make a little sad but she is doing fabulously! She takes less than 1/2 her bottle of formula mixed with the rest breast milk. I still have a lot of milk in the freezer so I hope to be able to give her somebreast milk with every bottle until she is a year old. We have started giving her little table food things to eat and she isn't crazy about that. She is just completely opposite Rachel in that regard. Lauren loves to be pampered to and Rachel is so independent.

Lauren is just a sweet sweet baby. Still doesn't have much hair! She has been sick for about 2 months and it breaks my heart! I guess that's what happens when they go to daycare. She had RSV and is now just coughing but it's pitiful! I am ready for this all to be over! I cannot believe that she will be a year old in 3 months. It just doesn't seem possible. I love that little girl!

Yes, her clothes are dirty in this picture!! That's what happens when you wait till the end of the day to take pictures!

Guess Who?!

2009-12-17T09:35:00.000-06:00

Who is behind on blogging again? YES! You guessed it! That would be MEEEEEE!!!!!

This will be a "no picture post" because, well, just because I don't have access to pictures at the moment!

Things at work are going full swing. I am getting used to being full time and the girls are doing lovely at daycare! My days are filled with much excitement and busyness. My office is cozy and decorated with mostly pictures of my girls...what better way to make it mine!!! =) I have a ton of stuff to do everyday which makes the day go by faster but makes for a tired Mommy at the end of the day! Anyway, just a short update...it's going well.

Lauren turned 9 months old on the 12th!!!! NINE MONTHS OLD!! I just can't believe it. She is an absolute joy and I will blog about her soon...I have pictures - some that I took and some professional ones!!! =) I also have stats from her well baby checkup...something I am pretty excited about!

SOMEONE had a birthday since I blogged last! ME!!! I have begun my last year in the 20's! My birthday was the 13th and I felt HORRIBLE that entire day! I took Rachel shopping with me on Saturday and I picked her up to put her in the buggy and I think I threw my back out or something because I was just miserable...made me feel like I had the flu. So, I am better now and I am so incredibly thankful for my friends and family who know me so well!! My two best friends gave me great gifts. Not to sound like a complete selfish twit, but I LOVE getting gifts!! It seriously is my love language which makes me feel horrible but I love gifts. Mainly ones that are heartfelt, simple, or that took time and thought. Gifts make me feel loved. Call me what you will...whatever!

Gotta run for now but I will post again soon with pictures...I PROMISE!!!!

Initiation!!!

2009-12-07T21:32:00.007-06:00

I feel as though I have been initiated!! I started my full time job today!! It is at the same place that I have been working (I know I have already blogged about this). Let me just tell you....

WHAT A FREAKIN DAY!!!!!

Nothing says, "Let's get to work now that you are full-time" like two adoptions, a domestic violence case (that turned out to not be a domestic violence case after all) of a pregnant woman, a teenage pregnancy, a girl with herpes needing Medicaid (for what, exactly, I'm not sure), and just a bunch of other stuff that would not amount to much except all of the little things piling up amounted to a lot!! I am thankful! I love my job and I love working in the areas that I do but I feel as though I can now be a full-time social worker...I have been initiated!!! =)

We went yesterday to see Santa at my work. Here is a picture of the girls....

We got pictures taken on Saturday morning...mainly for Lauren's 9 month pictures but we did some Christmas ones too for the Christmas card (which I will post after I send them out). Here are some of the Christmas pictures....I will post Lauren's 9 month pictures on Saturday when I have more time and she is actually 9 months old!

I am trying to think of what else I have done since I blogged last...we had our Sunday school Christmas party on Saturday...loads of fun and GREAT food!! Love fellowshipping (is that a word?)with those girls and guys!!!

OH...we went last week to Little Rock because Brice's Granny died. She was 94 years young and absolutely precious!!!! She was such a sweet lady and although we are sad and will miss her, she lived such a good, long life and truly taught me how to live for the simple things. **I know I look COMPLETELY horrible in this picture...fat, bad hair and just YUCK but it is about Granny, not me! I couldn't find any other pictures on my computer. My favorite one is of me and her on our wedding day but it isn't scanned into the computer.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope to blog a couple of times a week, at least!

Mother of Two

2009-11-30T15:31:00.004-06:00

I have heard so many people talk about how unsure they are about having more than one child and the hesitations that go with that. I have to admit, I was hesitant as well but for totally different reasons. I was scared on a physical level about being pregnant and going through everything that I did the first time around. I did have some of the same complications but the experience all the way around was just much better. I thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy and loved being able to know what to expect during labor. Most of what I hear others talk about is if they can love another child as much as you love your first, will I be able to give him/her the same amount of attention, how will life balance out, etc....that was never a concern for me. I never once thought that I couldn't love a 2nd baby as much as my 1st. And it's true....I absolutely love both of my girls more than life itself and I cannot explain how I can love that much!!!

Children are fascinating to me!! They are just little people full of creativity, ideas, tempers, and love that happen all at once sometimes!! I blog a lot about Rachel and the challenges that she hands us as parents but she is such a doll to me!!! She is so incredibly smart (I know everyone thinks that about their child). Is she advanced or smart beyond her age? I don't know but she is pretty clever! She has her daddy's ability to think and my outgoing nature and sense of humor. She is so much fun! You can literally see her little mind working sometimes. Lauren is really nothing like Rachel (I mean, I can only compare about 8 months since that is how old Lauren is at this point). She is so needy. She is EXTREMELY happy....all of the time!!! She is definitely a Mommy's baby and is very clingy...nothing at all like Miss Independent Rachel! She is precious! She is growing so fast.

The question was posed to me not to long ago about the idea of more children. We definitely will try for at least one more. Whether it be three girls or two girls and a boy, we would like to have three children....at least. I have to take my pregnancies one at a time...

Children are a glimpse into the way that God loves His children. It is hard to fathom how, before you have two and three, etc, children, that you can love each of them as much as the ones before but you can and you do!!! God has so many children and He loves each one of us as much as the first!!! And not only that, but He loves us so much more deeply than we love our own children!!! Is that possible??! It is! The Bible tells us this truth and it is amazing to put it in perspective. God. Loves. Me! He loves me more than I love my own children...wow! That my friends...

is....

Reason to Rejoice!!!!!

"For All That YOU'VE Done....

2009-11-25T21:08:00.004-06:00

...I will thank You..."

Today I am missing my Granny. I miss her really bad. She was our rock...the center of our family and today and everyday since January, she is missed. I miss our long talks on the phone. I miss being able to go to her house anytime because I knew she would always be there. I miss the sound of her giggle. I miss her telling me to eat whatever I want...I'm at Granny's house!!! I miss her rubbing my belly when I was pregnant with Lauren...the last time I saw her...I was pregnant with Lauren. She never got to meet my baby and Lauren will never know how special Granny thought she was...before she even knew her! I still have the row she crocheted that was supposed to be Lauren's baby blanket....she never got to finish it. I miss everything about her....everything. Happy Birthday my sweet Granny-bug! Happy Birthday....

"...for all that You've promised and all that You are. For all that has carried me through..."

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours!!!

"...JESUS, I thank You."

A Pain In My...HEAD!!!

2009-11-24T11:10:00.002-06:00

Ugh! The migraines...PLEASE STOP!!! You might recall all of my blogs from about two months ago regarding the headaches that I have. WELL, THEY ARE BACK IN FULL SWING!! I wake up most days with headaches and then this morning I had ANOTHER migraine!! I got out of the shower and realized that I couldn't see very well...the first sign that it is coming. Well, not too long, my head was hurting. It was the absolute worst migraine I have EVER had!!! I still have it but it has subsided some. I took four 200 mg Motrin and drank some caffeine...didn't help. Then, I got extremely nauseated. Not sure if it is because I didn't eat anything before taking the Motrin or if it was the headache causing the nausea...either way, I thought I was going to throw up..more than once.

So....what does this mean? Good question! I think I will call the neurologist back and visit with him...sooner rather than later...about getting on Topamax. We have talked about this several times before but I just didn't want to give up breastfeeding. I am a little more okay with this now....Lauren is almost 9 months old, I have a TON of breastmilk in the freezer, and she has 4 teeth!!! Motivation? I think so! =) I took a sort of poll on Facebook asking about side effects, etc, of taking the medication. I got some interesting responses....but here is what WebMD says about it....

Topiramate is used alone or with other medications to prevent and control seizures (epilepsy). This medication is also used to prevent migraine headaches and reduce how often you may get them. Topiramate will not work to treat a migraine headache once it occurs. If you get a migraine headache, treat it as directed by your doctor (e.g., take pain medications, decrease sound and light).

Topiramate is an anti-seizure medication (anticonvulsant) that works in several ways to prevent seizures and migraines.

SIDE EFFECTS: Weakness, tiredness, drowsiness, dizziness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, tingling of the hands/feet, loss of appetite, diarrhea, impotence, and weight loss may occur. If any of these symptoms persist or worsen, notify your doctor promptly.

Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects.

Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: mental/mood changes (e.g., memory problems, nervousness), slow/unsteady movement, speech/language problems.

This medication rarely may cause mood or behavior changes, such as anxiety, agitation, hostility, pressured/rapid speech, or thoughts of suicide. Tell your doctor immediately if you develop unusual (possibly sudden) mood changes.

Tell your doctor immediately if any of these rare but very serious side effects occur: severe back/side pain, rapid breathing, bone pain/breakage, loss of consciousness, fast/slow/irregular heartbeat, stomach/abdominal pain, painful urination, bloody or pink-colored urine, chest pain.

Seek immediate medical attention if either of these rare but very serious eye problems occur: sudden vision changes (e.g., blurred vision), eye pain/redness.

This medication can rarely cause a serious metabolic problem (hyperammonemia), especially if you are also taking valproic acid. Tell your doctor immediately if you experience sudden/unexplained tiredness, vomiting, or mental changes (e.g., difficulty staying awake).

A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of a serious allergic reaction may include: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing.

The main thing that others were telling me is that it causes weight loss, it makes you forget things, and interacts with birth control but it can cause birth defects if you are on it and get pregnant. SOOOO....I could be skinny, dumb, possibly pregnant and then have a baby that could possibly have birth defects....wow....again, I need to talk to the doctor...along with my OB about a possible different form of birth control.

Any thoughts or advice?